Unstable
My life seems to be throwing from one direction to the next. One minute I know exactly who I am, where I want to be, what I need, what I want, and then a few minutes later I questioning everything I think I know. I think I'm at a point in my life where my friends are my world, and I'm so sorry for all the previously times I have neglected them. I think I need to figure out what I want from my life and what I want to make of my time I'm here. I need my friends to help me discover new things about myself, and I need to figure out who I am for myself, because while I continue to ignore or avoid my need to do this, everything else in my life continues to crumble to pieces. For the first time in my life I relazied I know absolutely nothing about myself, I have no time to be me, and in fact it's impossible to be me, when I have no idea who i am. I know that I continuously try to act like nothing is wrong, because I have brain-washed myself to believe that if I don't admit I'm hurt, or troubled then it will all go away and everything will be okay. When in reality it never works and in fact everything just ends up blowing up right in front of my face and I'm left feeling like the bad guy. I just want to make everyone happy, especially Erica. But I can't make her happy by making myself miserable, I can't do that with anyone. And I must admit I'm miserable. No I'm not blaming anyone for this, I am most definately blaming myself, and I've very aware that I have a difficult time dealing with my own emotions. It'z quite sad. I don't feel pity or sorry for myself, nor do I want anyone else to, I just know I have some major shit to fix. If anything I need all my friends to point out the flaws I have and bring them to my attention, since I have managed to allow myself to become a master at ignoring them. I'm not in anyway striving to be perfect, after all perfect or anything near it is so boring, but I do want to know why I have the reactions I do and why I do some of the things I do. I want to become a stronger person not only for myself but also for the people that are important in my life. I have a strange feeling some major changes are about to take place in my life, some not so good but perhaps the right decision, I'm not sure. All I know is I need time to me, time to my friends, time to find myself... time to be HAPPY.