Break Up
Me and Erica broke up. Seriously broke up. The feeling I have is unexplainable. I can't eat, sleep; I can't do anything. Every thought I have is about her, everything I see reminds me of her. I have heard stories about the ending of an individual's first love, about the pain one feels, but I had no idea it would be this bad. Everyday I have to spend without her is a day I don't want to have to live. I feel crazy! I call 200 times and I think about calling her another 200. I don't want to be without her. I need her. She's my life. I can't see my future without her in it. I know we have alot of problems but I don't understand why we can't work them out when we have a love like we do. But maybe our love isn't as strong as I thought it was. I don't know. Maybe it's one sided. If she's miserable then I don't want her to be with me. I want her to be happy, even if it's not with me, but it hurts so bad. I've always known I love her, but I never knew the extent of my love until all this occured. I would wait for her forever, but I can't. I'm stuck. I'm afraid if I wait she'll never come back, and if I don't wait I'll miss my chance. I know one thing for sure I never want to fall in love again. I just keep thinking over and over again about what I could have done to be a better girlfriend, to keep her happy, to keep her with me. (the list is very long) WE're trying to do the friend thing now, and damn that is so hard. Everytime I see her I want to kiss her, hold her, tell her how much I love her and I'm sorry for being such a fuck-up, and I can't. I know I'm making the situation harder on both of us, and I keep telling myself "Lacy whatever is meant to happen will happen," and "just move on, just let go," but my heart won't let me do it. It's still early and as I know time heals everything, but I don't want it to. I don't want to move on. I don't care how much pain I put myself through, the only person I want to love is her. I know I'm young, and as I'm told this is going to happen to me alot, but what the people who give me that advice don't understand, is she's my soulmate. She's it for me. I don't need to see what else is out there, I'm certain she's it. But this has to go both ways in order to be true. With this break up and as I wait for her to "fix her problems," I plan to work on myself. I want to learn to be more trusting, and that because I've been fucked over in the past doesn't mean I punish someone new for the others past mistakes. I want to learn to control my temper and not say such hurtful things. I want to become more secure with myself so I don't constantly think everyone is going to abandon me. I want to be more romantic. I want to learn how to communicate better rather than holding things in until they cause me to explode. I want to stop being so defensive and understand that I can fuck up sometimes too, and that's okay. I don't want people, especially her, to afraid to tell me what's wrong. I know I sound like a nut-case with all the problems I have that I just listed, but I realize I need to make these changes and I am going to try my hardest to make them. Not just for Erica, or for myself, but for anybody that comes into my life, new relationship or not. I think the thing I want to be able to do the most, is make Erica feel like the is perfect in everyway, every single day. I want her to know that she is the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes on, I want her to know I fall in love with her all over again everytime I look into those amazing eyes, I want her to know I'm thankful for everyday I have with her and I know I am the luckiest person alive. Basically I just want her to know every single day that she is perfect in every way, and I want to be able to make her feel this way everyday of her life. Pathetic.. I know, but Love, seriously makes you crazy! If for some reason Erica you read this, just know, I love you so very very much, and I know all the things I need to work on, and I will. I will fix them, and I will be better for you; for us. I love you!