A Change In Attitude
Previously I was going through a faze where I thought I wasn't good enough for my friends, for my girlfriend, for anyone. And then in kinda turned around and I began to think they didn't really care about me. No one noticed what was going on in my little fucked up head. I mean I was looking into their eyes screaming for help and no one noticed, not even Erica. I couldn't hold in what I was doing to myself anymore so I had Erica read my journal and later on everyone else. And they ran to me with open arms trying to comfort me. I just need to realize how good I am at hiding my true feelings. I'm use to keeping what I am going through from people because I'm too afraid to ask for help. I've come to the conclusion that although I don't have a massive number of friends, the friends I do have care about me alot. They might not call everyday or even every week, but that doesn't mean they don't think about me. THey have busy lives too and I think I expected a little too much from everyone. Erica too, granted she calls everyday, I'd kick her ass if she didn't (hahaha!), but I hold my expectations too high for her sometimes too. None of these people in my life are perfect but it's their imperfections that make them so beautiful and amazing. I'm scared of just waking up one day and everyone and everything I know will be gone. But if I truely don't want this to happen then I need to stop pushing everyone away. I need to stop getting upset for unrational reasons. I have a serious problem of making shit up in my head, over thinking things, making things more complicated than they really have to be. And this problem creates problems with my girl, and with me and all my friends. I just need to stop it. Everything is finally starting to fall into place again. My relationship with Erica despite our petty fights is blossoming beautifully. I thought for awhile there with the event on my birthday and everything else her and I were doomed, but I've learned that when 2 people love each other they can overcome anything. We've almost been together a year, and damn what a stressful year it has been, however, they struggle is what makes our happiness so blissful. I'm releaved that her and I managed to get through our hard time because I honestly don't know what I would do without her. Christina and mine's realtionship couldn't be more perfect. Sometimes I think that girl knows me better than I know myself. Another thing I proud to talk about it mine and Liz's realtionship. I absolutely adore her. I love her and Christina together, I see what she does for Christina and there's no one else I would want to be with my best friend. I never gave Liz a chance in the beginning but I'm so glad I have now. She's a sweet, loving individual. I love being around her because she's upfront, and tells everyone how it is and how she really feels, she doesn't sugar-coat her shit, and that makes me respect her alot. Plus I love drinking with Liz she fucking hilarious. I just want to let you know Liz that despite our differences in the beginning, I love you to death and you are a very important person in my life, in case you didn't know. And I must say my first opinion of you couldn't have been anymore wrong. You're beautiful baby... hey has anyone told you, you should be a model? hahaha! School is going awesome. My grades aren't as high as I would like them, but to be honest they could all be 100 and I'd still find something I needed to improve. Work is somewhat always shitty, but it's getting better despite the incident with Eric this week. But Jeff isn't mad at me at all so apparently it's not that big of a deal, so I'm not worried about it. A.C was kind of an ass to me today, but I knew he was going to take Eric's side over mine because that's his "brother." Whatever. I guess I can say my life is perfect and I'm happy once again. I think I just need to stop being so hard on myself, and also stop over thinking things, not everything has some hidden meaning.