Could I challenge or dare you to stay?
So I haven't updated this in almost a year. Literally. I wish I had something substantial to tell. Some semblance of a social life that held countless stories of procrastinating weekdays and full weekends. The procrastinating weekdays I've got down, but the rest of it, not so much.
I don't see the 2 friends I have here at school anymore. The third friend, my roommate, is only going to be with me for another 4 months and then I lose her too. I really do try not to think about the end of this year, but whenever I'm alone in my room, or eat a meal alone I can't help but think about how that's how it's going to be for the rest of my time here at school.
Sometimes I feel like all I have is school work. No wonder I do so well, right? I can't remember the last time I went out. And it gets me every time when someone says to me, "Why can't you just go do something by yourself?" But they're wrong. I do stuff by myself. I do almost everything by myself. Why can't I have someone for a change?
Carolyn's cancer came back. Again. She had surgery this week and they finally had to remove some organs. She can't go to the bathroom normally anymore...she has to go in this bag-type thing. I asked my mom if that makes it hard to wear clothes because I couldn't gauge in my head how big this bag would be. She kind of laughed at my question and joked that she wouldn't have a problem but couldn't wear any bikini's. Carolyn loved wearing bikini's. I think that's how I remember her throughout most of my childhood. Sitting outside on the lawn or on the dock in her bikini getting tan and reading People magazine. She looked so different when she sat outside this summer; fully clothed and with this big hat on. But giving up bikini wearing is a small price to pay I'm sure.
I don't really talk about this with alot of people, because well, I don't really have anyone to talk to. I mentioned it once to Anna and Julie, and if I do say anything at all it's kept casual. I can't let on how much I think about it or how scared I really am. I can't go pouring out all my worries onto people because they're dealing with their own stuff. I don't want to burden anyone.
This year is so uncertain even though it's only just started and that scares the crap out of me.
I don't see the 2 friends I have here at school anymore. The third friend, my roommate, is only going to be with me for another 4 months and then I lose her too. I really do try not to think about the end of this year, but whenever I'm alone in my room, or eat a meal alone I can't help but think about how that's how it's going to be for the rest of my time here at school.
Sometimes I feel like all I have is school work. No wonder I do so well, right? I can't remember the last time I went out. And it gets me every time when someone says to me, "Why can't you just go do something by yourself?" But they're wrong. I do stuff by myself. I do almost everything by myself. Why can't I have someone for a change?
Carolyn's cancer came back. Again. She had surgery this week and they finally had to remove some organs. She can't go to the bathroom normally anymore...she has to go in this bag-type thing. I asked my mom if that makes it hard to wear clothes because I couldn't gauge in my head how big this bag would be. She kind of laughed at my question and joked that she wouldn't have a problem but couldn't wear any bikini's. Carolyn loved wearing bikini's. I think that's how I remember her throughout most of my childhood. Sitting outside on the lawn or on the dock in her bikini getting tan and reading People magazine. She looked so different when she sat outside this summer; fully clothed and with this big hat on. But giving up bikini wearing is a small price to pay I'm sure.
I don't really talk about this with alot of people, because well, I don't really have anyone to talk to. I mentioned it once to Anna and Julie, and if I do say anything at all it's kept casual. I can't let on how much I think about it or how scared I really am. I can't go pouring out all my worries onto people because they're dealing with their own stuff. I don't want to burden anyone.
This year is so uncertain even though it's only just started and that scares the crap out of me.