Overwhelmed
Life just seems so overwhelming. I feel so lost cause I dunno what I want to do. I feel like I am losing friends left and right, cause I can't see people cause I work, and it's really hard being home without being able to see everyone. I wish we could go back to me sneaking out every night just to go out and see them. Those were the days when I ddin't have to work to pay for things, life was so simple.
Now. it's just lonely I guess. I met a guy, and I just don't know how I meet these guys. Nothing has happened, I mean he has my number and we have talked about goin on a date. He came to my work tonight talking to me about how a girl can easily get picked up just by knowing the guy likes pussy. I mean c'mon. I dunno. Sex just doesn't interest me like it used to. A lot of bad things have come from sex, and I'm sick of talking about my sex life. I am open, i don't mind being honest, and that's my mistake. I should keep that stuff private. But I don't, sometimes I just don't care, but deep down I do. It hurts me to think about sex because though it's amazing, in the end that's all it ever is and was, and then it's like I feel used.
I feel lonely because being freinds with my best friend isn't the same. Or the one I called my best friend (brandon). I can't help but think about him as the guy he was when we started dating. He has changed from being this chivalrous country gentlemen to having no problem talking down to girls like they don't matter and making mistakes makes us bad people. I visited him and it's just scary the way he can put me down. His friends had to tell him to stop yelling at me over stupid stuff, that it wasn't cool to yell at a girl no matter the circumstance, and all he did was laugh about it like he was a joke (even though he was high). And then the next time we hung out with his friends, the guys brought it up again, and he just said it made him feel good to yell at me when I make mistakes. After a while of friends or bf's like that I think that I have started to think I deserved to be yelled at. I didn't realize how off he was until his friends said it, and that's sad. especially guy friends who say that to their boy infront of a girl. Not too many guys would do that. When I visited him, I felt no romantic feelings, which made me happy, but I still care what he has to say. I just feel stupid around him I guess, like I can't do right. But maybe his expectations have been raised, and i'm not changing myself to meet someone else's expectations. I just give up on it I guess. And a part of me just wishes he would apologize and realize that it is wrong to talk to people like that, and that it is possible to be human and wrong. Ah well. I just miss the guy that I could talk to about everything with. And now when my day is bad I don't say stuff to him. But that's ok, we all change. And maybe the future is meant to keep us apart. Maybe in the future we'll end up forgetting about eachother.
I miss being in a relationship but also don't want one cause I dread going through all that stuff all over again. I just am not looking forward to anything right now, and that's what I miss.
Now. it's just lonely I guess. I met a guy, and I just don't know how I meet these guys. Nothing has happened, I mean he has my number and we have talked about goin on a date. He came to my work tonight talking to me about how a girl can easily get picked up just by knowing the guy likes pussy. I mean c'mon. I dunno. Sex just doesn't interest me like it used to. A lot of bad things have come from sex, and I'm sick of talking about my sex life. I am open, i don't mind being honest, and that's my mistake. I should keep that stuff private. But I don't, sometimes I just don't care, but deep down I do. It hurts me to think about sex because though it's amazing, in the end that's all it ever is and was, and then it's like I feel used.
I feel lonely because being freinds with my best friend isn't the same. Or the one I called my best friend (brandon). I can't help but think about him as the guy he was when we started dating. He has changed from being this chivalrous country gentlemen to having no problem talking down to girls like they don't matter and making mistakes makes us bad people. I visited him and it's just scary the way he can put me down. His friends had to tell him to stop yelling at me over stupid stuff, that it wasn't cool to yell at a girl no matter the circumstance, and all he did was laugh about it like he was a joke (even though he was high). And then the next time we hung out with his friends, the guys brought it up again, and he just said it made him feel good to yell at me when I make mistakes. After a while of friends or bf's like that I think that I have started to think I deserved to be yelled at. I didn't realize how off he was until his friends said it, and that's sad. especially guy friends who say that to their boy infront of a girl. Not too many guys would do that. When I visited him, I felt no romantic feelings, which made me happy, but I still care what he has to say. I just feel stupid around him I guess, like I can't do right. But maybe his expectations have been raised, and i'm not changing myself to meet someone else's expectations. I just give up on it I guess. And a part of me just wishes he would apologize and realize that it is wrong to talk to people like that, and that it is possible to be human and wrong. Ah well. I just miss the guy that I could talk to about everything with. And now when my day is bad I don't say stuff to him. But that's ok, we all change. And maybe the future is meant to keep us apart. Maybe in the future we'll end up forgetting about eachother.
I miss being in a relationship but also don't want one cause I dread going through all that stuff all over again. I just am not looking forward to anything right now, and that's what I miss.