Point blank, for everyone to see
For the past year I have been battling depression. Now, the honest truth is that the reason I put a lot on my relationships are because they are my crutch to forget and never deal with it. But the reality is it has nothing to do with anyone else but me. I am unhappy with who I am, where I am, how I treat people, and how they treat me. I don't
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Your statement is a clinical diagnosis, self induced. Truth be known you are a normal college student balancing many challenges.
"Now, the honest truth is that the reason I put a lot on my relationships are because they are my crutch to forget and never deal with it. But the reality is it has nothing to do with anyone else but me."
Are you putting a lot on your relationships or are your expectations to high? They too are your age and dealing with challenges. Life isnt a bowl a cherrys .. that is reality.
"So many times people assume that should anyone have to sacrifice something, I'm the most capable, and everyone figures not to worry about me cause hell, I never have problems. "
If you recognize this then why to continue to allow yourself to be a doormat? Is it because you like to be abused? I think not! What is true is that you value your friends ... the good and the bad. You have recognized this for a while and beg for "your friends" to change their behavior. It is not under your control, learn to accept and move on.
"It has gotten to a point where I am not able to appreciate the little things very few people actually do for me."
Shit happens and those that are attempting to do the little things to make you happy recognize it. You have control to open your eyes.
"I believe I have a substance abuse problem."
At least you are recognizing that you are showing a trend. Look on the bright side, most with a problem don't recognize it, so you are steps ahead. You can play head games with yourself and find ways to justify continuing to drink however the path is never pretty. Drinking is the path of least resistance and the weak allow it to gain control of them. You are much more stronger then that.
"If I drink, it's overly excessive and it isn't for the right reasons, it's to forget my problems."
Careful, drinking can do the opposite and actually make you dwell on them further. You dont forget your problems you only dismiss them for a period of time. Which in reality is what friendships do (allows you to dismiss the problems for a while). We all do it, it is how humans survive. Step back and let life role without psycho analyzing everything. Life is too short when all you think about are the negatives. Find something that will keep your mind and body busy and do it yourself without relying on others. Allowing the others to find you isnt going to happen, and to be honest folks actually want nothing to do with folks that are always negative. Have a good cry, accept that it is how things are, and recognize that the steps ahead are what change it so that you have leverage and no one else.
"Alcohol is what keeps me happy, and I can't find too many other things that do."
That is a cope out! Occasional social drinking is acceptable. However if you drink that excessive to allow yourself to make an ass out of yourself and draw attention to yourself then that becomes self destructive. You have many interests, and maybe that is the problem in that you cant do them all and with that becomes an internal struggle with what your goals are and what others goals are.
"Most of the entries here are sad, and not too many people seem to care."
Yes, they are sad at times but there are good times also. What is an LJ for? It is to vent. Expecting comments isn't appropriate all the time. There have been several occasions where you state you don't want the feedback. Folks care, they just may chose not to use this forum to counterpoint the discussion.
I wont continue to counterpoint your discussion. Life doesn't have to be intense drama. You are going threw some downtime. Just start putting into the positive areas.
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