Point blank, for everyone to see
For the past year I have been battling depression. Now, the honest truth is that the reason I put a lot on my relationships are because they are my crutch to forget and never deal with it. But the reality is it has nothing to do with anyone else but me. I am unhappy with who I am, where I am, how I treat people, and how they treat me. I don't find worth in me, I just don't. So many times people assume that should anyone have to sacrifice something, I'm the most capable, and everyone figures not to worry about me cause hell, I never have problems. It has gotten to a point where I am not able to appreciate the little things very few people actually do for me. It was the little things that began this. I believe I have a substance abuse problem. If I drink, it's overly excessive and it isn't for the right reasons, it's to forget my problems. What gets me through the week is the fact that come thursday I get to drink till I can't feel feelings anymore. I have no motivation to do my work. I have no motivation to talk anymore. Alcohol is what keeps me happy, and I can't find too many other things that do. I feel like I do give so much, that I don't get much back. Most of the entries here are sad, and not too many people seem to care. This isn't something that's nothing, and though I know that things will eventually be better, that doesn't help me get through right now. It's funny cause most of my entries here are about whoever I'm dating at the time. Not one person knows that I'm dying inside, and it's not from boys. They aren't the reason I'm unhappy, and I use them as a good reason, and that keeps the attention away. The reason I talked about breaking up with b so much was because I promised myself I needed to learn to make myself happy, and I wouldn't get into another relationship until I did. I knew we weren't going to be together forever, and I talked about it cause it's scary facing this. I'm great at playing everything down so no one worries about me, but I want someone to worry. So this is why I'm being honest, it is hard for me to write this because I am not the type of person to air my stuff out, or atleast the stuff that matters. I'm great at taking away other's pain and putting it on me, but I just don't have anything to give anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be happy, cause I'm not, and haven't been for a long time. I talked to my parents, we don't really know where to go, as in if talking to a councilor will help, just cause I've been there, and I'm the same person, the girl who would rather make someone else's day better at the cost of my own. I'm done giving. I'm going to be selfish. Whether you care or not.