fighting another day
It's been really hard lately to keep my spirits up. I've cried and felt sorry for myself. I've felt lonely and scared. It has not been as hard as it has the last few weeks. All this time I've been fighting this and I haven't felt this surge of emotion until now. I'm terrified of it coming back. I don't want to die. Maverick needs me. I'm angry at the cancer for choosing me. Even with all of the family and friends that come around nothing seems the same as it was before. I still feel lonely. Everyone takes care of me or avoids my eye. No one just listens to my fears. I'm sure they're all scared for me too. It doesn't ease the load of worries I have. I need someone to hear me. I want to be normal again. I want to be at school. I want to work. I want to drive to the store. I want to pick up my son. The point of battling is to live. I can't guarantee that it won't come back, but I want to have my life back eventually. I can't figure out how to live without that fear. I've never been the person to let go of fear well. On the plus side, I've never really been the type of person to let go of anything easily. I'm stubborn, too stubborn to let go of this life that has just begun. Maverick and Juan have made this life so much more than I ever knew it to be. I can't let these few months with them be all that I have. I deserve so much more with them. They deserve so much more with me.
I've been reading this book that the oncology social worker gave to me to cheer me up. There's poems and little quips and I found this poem on friends that I found to ring so true.
when i was diagnosed with cancer:
my first friend cam and expressed his shock by saying,
"i can't beliebe that you have cancer.
i always thought you were so active and healthy."
he left and i felt alienated and somehow very "different."
my second friend came and brought me information about
different treatments being used for cancer. he said,
"whatever you do, don't take chemotherapy.
it's a poison!"
he left and i felt scared and confused.
my third friend came and tried to answer my "whys?"
with the statement "perhaps God is disciplining you for
some sin in your life?"
he left and i felt guilty.
my fourth friend came and told me,
"if your faith is just great enough God will heal you."
he left and i felt my faith must be inadequate.
my fifth friend came and told me to remember that
"all things work together for good."
he left and i felt angry.
my sixth friend never came at all.
i felt sad and alone.
my seventh friend came and helf my hand and said,
"i care, i'm here, i want to help you through this."
he left and i felt loved!
So to all of my friends that have "cared", been "here" and "helped me through this" in anyway, thank you.
I've been reading this book that the oncology social worker gave to me to cheer me up. There's poems and little quips and I found this poem on friends that I found to ring so true.
when i was diagnosed with cancer:
my first friend cam and expressed his shock by saying,
"i can't beliebe that you have cancer.
i always thought you were so active and healthy."
he left and i felt alienated and somehow very "different."
my second friend came and brought me information about
different treatments being used for cancer. he said,
"whatever you do, don't take chemotherapy.
it's a poison!"
he left and i felt scared and confused.
my third friend came and tried to answer my "whys?"
with the statement "perhaps God is disciplining you for
some sin in your life?"
he left and i felt guilty.
my fourth friend came and told me,
"if your faith is just great enough God will heal you."
he left and i felt my faith must be inadequate.
my fifth friend came and told me to remember that
"all things work together for good."
he left and i felt angry.
my sixth friend never came at all.
i felt sad and alone.
my seventh friend came and helf my hand and said,
"i care, i'm here, i want to help you through this."
he left and i felt loved!
So to all of my friends that have "cared", been "here" and "helped me through this" in anyway, thank you.