Here we go again..
Its 11:16 am. I couldn't sleep anymore, although I barely slept at all last night. I have too many thoughts in my head and I'm feeling like I just wanna rip out my brain for a while so I can have some peace. Its just theres so many questions of why and how and why me? Okay, so I knew I got myself into a bad situation in the beginning, knowing about the drugs and alcohol, but I never even imagined this. Is this what I deserve for being so stupid and going for the one person who was absolutely all wrong for me?.. but yet he was perfect for me. Because you know thats what I like, the trouble makers who drink and whatnot and treat me like shit so I apologize.
There is absolutely no denying that I was his girlfriend. He said so himself so many times. Just at his house the other night he told me that I was his prettiest girlfriend he'd ever had. And he'd tell his friends, oh yeah thats my girl. So if he had other ones, why didn't anyone else know about them! I just don't understand whats so wrong with me that I always end up in the shittyest position ever. It's not like I'm stupid or anything, but I trusted him so much.. even when he told me there were girls at his house I told him I trusted him. What a piece of shit he was and I hope he feels so guilty about this whole ordeal because I have never met anyone so scummy that would make anyone feel the way I do. What hurts me the most is that I took him back after the first time, and he had already been with this girl. But who is he to tell me that hes with another girl.. that hes been with another girl since june? And here I am, just the piece of ass "other" girlfriend whom he has "never liked and only saw me a few times." You can't do that to someone, you just can't. I was the nicest person to him, I did everything. I payed for a fucking taxi more than once to get to and from his house. He payed for me once and made a big deal about it. I did everything he wanted and called him once a day everyday we went out. I got a call from him a few times when he would either want me to come over, or yell at me because I was hanging out with guys. That was a sign right in front of my nose the whole time. He was insecure about me cheating on him, which i NEVER did, because he felt guilty himself for cheating on me. I would have asked him but he obviously would have manipulated me into thinking that I was completely wrong and stupid for thinking it.
I just want to erase him totally out of my mind so I never have to think about him or all the things he said to me. One night he was laying next to me and he was about to say something but he said nevermind. So I was like noo tell me, what were you going to say? And he was like, you're going to think I'm corny if I say it, but I'll say it anyways.. have you ever gotten like butterflys in your stomach? And I was like yeah of course. And hes like well, I have them right now, everytime I'm around you I get butterflys. And after he said that I thought I saw a side of him that I never thought was there. He could be so tough on the outside, but other times its like I didn't know him. Like just the other day, it must have been 4 days ago now or something like it, and i had my back turned to him and anji said he pointed to me and said I love her. What kind of fucked up person with two additional fucking buddies would have the balls to say that. And now that hes caught up in this whole mess, hes trying to blame it on someone and of course that someone is me. I told him I can't be with him if hes gonna be doing this and he says Fuck you I don't care. Just like that. Like we never were anything. And I never mattered. And when I asked him if he was gonna stay with "this other girl" he says obviously of course I am. Like DUH JACKIE are you stupid!? I can't fathom how one scummy person can hurt another the way he hurt me yesterday. Well I'm sorry for ever even getting messed up in this whole thing because I'll have days wasted being hurt and torn over some kid who thinks hes hot shit. Well I don't have to worry about him anymore, or wonder why hes mad at me this time, or think about him with other girls.. hes totally gone and never for a million bucks would I take him back. He has his bitch, but little does she know that I'm not the only one hes cheated on her with. Maybe someday she'll find out about his whore from loudon who he fucks once a week and she'll be just as hurt as I am. So I really have no cares for either of them because she's just as bad as he is for caring if he still wants to be with her after he cheated on her. She can be my guest if she wants to be apart of him and his fucked up family and getting caught in between his cheese and alcohol because everyone knows that thats never going to change. Hes still a freshman and hes 16, and he'll be addicted to all his drugs forever because thats just how he is.
I'm just sorry that I wasted an entire night thinking about him. Hes no worth it and I know I can do better.. anyone could. Well yeah on another note, I can't find my mom.. and shes not picking up her phone? Shes probably out with her new love charlie. Hah I know she won't be home tonight. Which is incredibly gross lol.
Oh yeah jesses bitch just texted me and pretty much threatened me to not go near him because "he loves her and her pussy". Hahahah. What a moron.