(no subject)
The very first thing I wanna say is...that no matter what I love him with all my heart & soul & someday I hope to marry him & start a family. I only wanna be with him. That is my dream. Last night Alex finally IMed me after 9 weeks of not talking. I was so happy to hear from him. To know that I'm on his mind, that he misses me (he told Daddy that on Sunday), that he is okay is just the most wonderful news I've heard in a long time. Our conversation was for like a half hour (I'm not really sure exactly how long). He was all concerned about my surgery & everything. Then all of a sudden, its like he just snapped & went off on me. It felt like I was talking to the Devil. He is so bitter right now. I feel so helpless. He told me things...omg I don't even wanna remember them. As far as I'm concerned I didn't talk to him last night...that wasn't him. I have a new pespective on the whole situation (well I'm trying to at least anyway). I flipped the fuck out after we talked. I had a huge melt down. The one major thing that is sticking in my head right now is....'why don't you get drunk & hopefully get pregnant by some other guy.' I really hope he doesn't feel like I abandoned him. That was never my intention. That wasn't my beloved Alex. It just wasn't. I guess, I'll have to realize some things he says isn't true, just like I have to with Mumsie when she is in Jeannie Land. I feel so horrible. Not by his words...but they stung so bad! I feel horrible cuz there isn't a damn thing I can do for him. It breaks my already bleeding heart. We handle this situation so differently. IT'S NOT MY OR YOUR FAULT I AM NOT PREGNANT! IF WE'RE MEANT TO HAVE A CHILD & BE TOGETHER THEN GOD WILL MAKE A WAY! I'M JUST SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU NEED ME THE MOST. I JUST DUNNO WHAT TO SAY OR DO. BABY YOUR COMING HOME...WE DONT KNOW WHEN BUT DAMN IT ALEX MICHAEL YOU ARE COMING HOME!!!! ALL I WANTED FROM YOU WAS A RESPONSE. THERE WAS SO MANY THINGS SAID THAT I DON'T WANNA SHARE WITH EVERYONE. PLEASE LET ME BE THERE FOR YOU. LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT REAL LOVE IS. I'M NOT MAD AT YOU. GOD HELP US. PROTECT HIM. LET HIM HAVE A POSITIVE OUTLOOK. LET HIM KNOW I'M HERE FOR HIM. THAT HE ISNT ALONE. BUT MOST OF ALL THAT I LOVE HIM & WOULD DO ANYTHING IN THE WHOLE WORLD FOR HIM. IF I COULD GO OVER THERE & BE WITH HIM I WOULD. I NEED HIM AS MUCH AS HE NEEDS ME. JUST HEAR MY PRAYER! *PRAYS* I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH!!!! *MUAH* Now I know most of you prolly think I'm crazy & that's quite all right by me. But I can guarantee you that not a one of you knows how I feel or what I am going through (the closest one would be my best friend Sheana.)