YEahh. Life sucks.
I guess my subject heading can be considered a little rash...but that's kinda how i feel regardless of the good things that have been happening. Good things: My assistantship is going well. It helps the time fly by during the day and i'm basically getting paid $15 an hour to look pretty behind a desk. I also have Dr Snyder again twice...so that means very little homework and getting out of class early. Bad things: The fact that I had my "treatment of substance abuse" class the day before the 2 year anniversary of Talyne's death. Just typing that makes me wanna puke. I was in and out of consciousness all night because I was afraid to listen and have an outburst in class. I came home and did this whole kickboxing workout to get the edge off (instead of eating an entire mcdonalds *building and all* like i want to).
I'm going home this weekend for her memorial service at church. Then as a family we're all going to her gravesite. This will be the first time i'm seeing her headstone and everything and just the thought of it is enough to make me die all over again. I'm trying hard to quickly type this because im on the couch watching tv with vanessa and monique and i really want to maintain my cool. i'm so happy that they're here with me. I don't know what i would do without them.
Chris has offered to come out here tomorrow to either take me out and keep my mind off things or pry me off the floor sobbing in the fetal position. One never really knows how i'll be handling things! Part of me really wants to look up the date to figure out what date it was on the last day that i saw her. if i actually think about it i can probably figure it out but i'm afriad to let my brain think about the topic for too long. i dont even really know why i need to know this date. but i do. i'll check tomorrow. until then i'm going to remain numb. i only allow myself to think and cry about this on certain days or else i'll lose it everyday.
fucking life.