its almost like an out of body experience
so tonight was really weird.
dinner with michael and meliss..that was nice. michael and i both ordered a dinner salad and motzerella (spelling?) sticks. the waitress came back to bring our salads and told us they didn't have any more motzarella (try it a different way... nope, that doesn't look right either;) sticks so we just ate salads. and we helped melissa finish her sandwich.
then to xlt. that was amazing. praise and worship was good, it set the tone for me. then michael's talk was really good. the holy spirit totally kicked me in the but through his talk. then adoration, which also kicked me in the rear, but picked me up and put me back upright again. so amazing, it really was the first time in a long time that I felt the holy spirit. I feel annointed, and healed. very at peace and very ready to move on. I feel like things are resolved I guess.
then dinner after was fun and kinda crazy, got home kinda late... good thing my mom was still up doing work anyway. i don't think she was happy i was home late, but at least she didn't have to wait up for me on top of that. well when i got home i was so excited ot talk to my mom about the plans for steubenville and melissa and christina and i having the plans work out to all live together and i tried to explain our whole convo to her and why it actually might b okay for all of us to live together and be able to be home away from home for each other. well my mom kinda freaked out. she gets really posessive of me and tries to protect me a lot in my friendships and she just said that she could not support me living like that and that it would be too much of a drain on me to have to be a support system for other people and that I need to stop caring so much about other people because i let myself get taken advantage of. i tried to say that she just had kind of a skewed idea of what my friendships were like because all she heard from me was the complaining i did, that i never talk to her about the good things. she got really closed off about it, like a really protective "i'm invoking my mom right to protect you" type of deal and just said that she could not support something like that. then i just went to bed and so did she. we were both irritated. it wasn't an overblown argument or anything, just a strong difference of opinion and nether one of us understanding the other person's side. but its kinda scary because for the first time in my life i actually had the thought, "well i'm sorry but I'm not asking for your approval on this. If you're not going to support my decision that's fine, I'm a big girl and I'm paying for school myself anyway." not like in a mean threatening way, but in a matter of fact, it's the truth that i really don't need your support kind of way. so we both went to bed without resolving the issue. and of course could not sleep. like wide awake at 1 in the morning and i have a final at 8 tomorrow morning type of could not sleep.
so i figured, after tossing and turning for an hour, that i might as well get up and study for my final since i'm awake. so here i am.
the thing i realized though is that this whole steubenville thing isn't as complicated as it felt when my mom was getting all upset at me. if it's meant to work out it will work out. if i'm accepted Christina and i will start in the fall and we will live together. if melissa gets accepted, and it works out for her to go then she will start in the winter, and we can play it by ear. bottom line too is that if we're in the same building it will be like we live together... there are so many things that could happen.
christina is going to germany with us now, and i'm super excited. she and i are kindred spirits. she called michael to ask him if there was any way she could go, he told her yes that someone had dropped, so she added. so she is not going to go to covecrest, just germany. honestly that was a relief ot me to hear she wasn't going to do covecrest because i felt a lot of guilt about deciding not to apply. i felt like i was just chickening out, but if she also decided she couldn't do both, then it wasn't just me being overwhelmed.
i feel really at peace, even with all the turmoil that happened tonight. through adoration i really have peace that things will fall into place.
so the ways i was kicked in the but tonight...michael was talking about john the baptist and his saying "I need to decrease Lord, so that you might increase." he also talked about how we have to pray because prayer is the warm water that melts frozen hearts. totally hit home.
then during adoration, (after a lot of praying to have focused thoughts and to not be distracted by a cute boy) i prayed: "Lord, I need to decrease, I need to become nothing so that you can be my everything. I want to be nothing, but I need to know that I am everything to You. I can't do it without your love. My soul needs to comprehend the depth of your love for me. Help me to be nothing, Lord."
yeah so then insued a very intensely focused prayer time... and some more praise and worship, of which i didn't really hear. and the last song of the evening really really kicked my but, and showed me that I wasn't just imaging things, the holy spirit was very present and GOD LOVES ME!!!
I'll italicizethe parts that hit home...in case you wondered... one part was word for word my prayer
You Are The Lord
-Matt Maher (my favorite singer/song writer in the whole entire world!!)
You gave me a title, although I didn't know you.
You called my name and blessed me with life.
Now I've squandered the fortunes of my childhood,
given into a world of lies.
But I can't hide forever from what I know is true.
Jesus, I surrender my life to you.
You are the Lord and there is no other.
You're my God and I'm not ashamed.
I'll stand for you when the whole world falters.
I will bear your name, and I won't be the same.
The mountains, they move at the sound of your holy name.
The lame will walk and the blind will see.
I know you want my heart; I know that I am nothing.
You are the source of everything.
And I can't live forever unless I live in you.
Jesus, I surrender my life to you.
You are the Lord and there is no other.
You're my God and I'm not ashamed.
I'll stand for you when the whole world falters.
I will bear your name, and I won't be the same.
dinner with michael and meliss..that was nice. michael and i both ordered a dinner salad and motzerella (spelling?) sticks. the waitress came back to bring our salads and told us they didn't have any more motzarella (try it a different way... nope, that doesn't look right either;) sticks so we just ate salads. and we helped melissa finish her sandwich.
then to xlt. that was amazing. praise and worship was good, it set the tone for me. then michael's talk was really good. the holy spirit totally kicked me in the but through his talk. then adoration, which also kicked me in the rear, but picked me up and put me back upright again. so amazing, it really was the first time in a long time that I felt the holy spirit. I feel annointed, and healed. very at peace and very ready to move on. I feel like things are resolved I guess.
then dinner after was fun and kinda crazy, got home kinda late... good thing my mom was still up doing work anyway. i don't think she was happy i was home late, but at least she didn't have to wait up for me on top of that. well when i got home i was so excited ot talk to my mom about the plans for steubenville and melissa and christina and i having the plans work out to all live together and i tried to explain our whole convo to her and why it actually might b okay for all of us to live together and be able to be home away from home for each other. well my mom kinda freaked out. she gets really posessive of me and tries to protect me a lot in my friendships and she just said that she could not support me living like that and that it would be too much of a drain on me to have to be a support system for other people and that I need to stop caring so much about other people because i let myself get taken advantage of. i tried to say that she just had kind of a skewed idea of what my friendships were like because all she heard from me was the complaining i did, that i never talk to her about the good things. she got really closed off about it, like a really protective "i'm invoking my mom right to protect you" type of deal and just said that she could not support something like that. then i just went to bed and so did she. we were both irritated. it wasn't an overblown argument or anything, just a strong difference of opinion and nether one of us understanding the other person's side. but its kinda scary because for the first time in my life i actually had the thought, "well i'm sorry but I'm not asking for your approval on this. If you're not going to support my decision that's fine, I'm a big girl and I'm paying for school myself anyway." not like in a mean threatening way, but in a matter of fact, it's the truth that i really don't need your support kind of way. so we both went to bed without resolving the issue. and of course could not sleep. like wide awake at 1 in the morning and i have a final at 8 tomorrow morning type of could not sleep.
so i figured, after tossing and turning for an hour, that i might as well get up and study for my final since i'm awake. so here i am.
the thing i realized though is that this whole steubenville thing isn't as complicated as it felt when my mom was getting all upset at me. if it's meant to work out it will work out. if i'm accepted Christina and i will start in the fall and we will live together. if melissa gets accepted, and it works out for her to go then she will start in the winter, and we can play it by ear. bottom line too is that if we're in the same building it will be like we live together... there are so many things that could happen.
christina is going to germany with us now, and i'm super excited. she and i are kindred spirits. she called michael to ask him if there was any way she could go, he told her yes that someone had dropped, so she added. so she is not going to go to covecrest, just germany. honestly that was a relief ot me to hear she wasn't going to do covecrest because i felt a lot of guilt about deciding not to apply. i felt like i was just chickening out, but if she also decided she couldn't do both, then it wasn't just me being overwhelmed.
i feel really at peace, even with all the turmoil that happened tonight. through adoration i really have peace that things will fall into place.
so the ways i was kicked in the but tonight...michael was talking about john the baptist and his saying "I need to decrease Lord, so that you might increase." he also talked about how we have to pray because prayer is the warm water that melts frozen hearts. totally hit home.
then during adoration, (after a lot of praying to have focused thoughts and to not be distracted by a cute boy) i prayed: "Lord, I need to decrease, I need to become nothing so that you can be my everything. I want to be nothing, but I need to know that I am everything to You. I can't do it without your love. My soul needs to comprehend the depth of your love for me. Help me to be nothing, Lord."
yeah so then insued a very intensely focused prayer time... and some more praise and worship, of which i didn't really hear. and the last song of the evening really really kicked my but, and showed me that I wasn't just imaging things, the holy spirit was very present and GOD LOVES ME!!!
I'll italicizethe parts that hit home...in case you wondered... one part was word for word my prayer
You Are The Lord
-Matt Maher (my favorite singer/song writer in the whole entire world!!)
You gave me a title, although I didn't know you.
You called my name and blessed me with life.
Now I've squandered the fortunes of my childhood,
given into a world of lies.
But I can't hide forever from what I know is true.
Jesus, I surrender my life to you.
You are the Lord and there is no other.
You're my God and I'm not ashamed.
I'll stand for you when the whole world falters.
I will bear your name, and I won't be the same.
The mountains, they move at the sound of your holy name.
The lame will walk and the blind will see.
I know you want my heart; I know that I am nothing.
You are the source of everything.
And I can't live forever unless I live in you.
Jesus, I surrender my life to you.
You are the Lord and there is no other.
You're my God and I'm not ashamed.
I'll stand for you when the whole world falters.
I will bear your name, and I won't be the same.