fantasy selflove,..dragged into minds recesses, what's to miss?
They dragged her down into the recesses of her mind. What they were searching for she couldnt say, but it seemed to her that they loved her well enough to be trusted. So though they dragged, she was never harmed. though it was dark she wasnt scared. and though she had been taken against her will she did not fight, nor scratch nor cry out in the least. rather she let them bring her. as they may. wherever they might. she was ready, and eager for a lack of sameness. indeed her absolute lack of fear was due to her knowing absolutely nothing about her trip, nor wanting to know, being trapped was something she had left behind. knowing was a trap she suffered through no longer. her heart did not sing, it was not quite that she was excited, so much that she did not mind. she didnt think of the people who would miss her. she did not care for them any longer. it seemed apparent to her now that all of her life had been a dreaming of sorts. a game played out and then at the end you have lost because you have never mastered the art of not playing. she knew this for sure when she moved from aor to unilly, two small islands side by side and infinities apart. really. she had known at last after ten years of being away from her home on aor, that the difference was just this. here it was the "game" of life, we spoke with song song rhythmic voices, and were aware before it was uttered what was going to be teh response. it took at least six years before she broke through teh first layer of monotony and into the ability to perceive difference in people through tone, volume and the way their eyes lit up, or suffered no reaction at all. six years. then she realised something still further. anyone could do anything here. anyone. anyone could do anything in any country, it was merely a matter of training, what made people different - everywhere, what made us standout. was the ability to do what scared you. what made you face yourself and life without fear, or indeed knowing fear head into it, because this was the one thing that you wanted to do most. to be successful at most. she had grown used to the monotony and then within that realised the secret to happiness and to actually living her life, to being alive. indeed. teh correlation between the living inside of the monotony and that of her homeland aos was that here, everything had meaning. all things were shared and seen, and no negativity was attached to who and how you were. it was a very real place. a real space. a way. a truth. a liberation. yet still the monotony was hard to venture far from. because she understood the monotony though she realised that people who she'd left behind existed within another fraction of teh world. within another way of being and perceiving. trapped within walls of patterned behaviour and hiding from all forms of truth, these were the living dead and they cried easily at nothing, and became hardened with jealousy, and desire, and anger, and closed off from actual lived experience. she felt no sorrow for them because regardless of her disappearance, they would all have found a way to unhappiness. for what else was there when not truly living at all? these people who she had left they all fought with the idea of being alive so viciously that they gave themselves no time whatsoever to enjoy the actual experience. It was a vulgar exchange their daily lived experiences. rather than seeking to share that which lay within them, and them alone, they battled one another on the fields of sameness. They fought for and over things that any human being can have and lose, and they invested their energies over extended periods of time on these ventures. from property, to money, to various surgeries, shoes, boys, men, drugs, alcohol, clothes, peoples....all lost. all lost in the battles that ensued until exhausted and home at last, aged, and worn, they found themselves alone with their bitterness and anger. exhausted by nothingness and enterring still more deeply into it. they hit, lashing out, kicking. they grew weary and saddened. they made their mark without opening up any parts of their hearts and souls. they traded nothing for nothing and found a deep and lasting satisfaction in that. In the end, what was there to feel sorry for? A carcasses pain? A robots? An image of what lay buried deeply inside? ha! As if. she was enterring into herself and happily so. she was ready to be herself and to live her living to the full and forget self consciousness, because she knew herself, was aware enough to know that a taste of it was enough to guide her well, but too much drew a mark between her real self and who she thought she ought to be. she had learnt that in her youth and it was a recurring lesson which she learnt. let go of that mirror image and enjoy being alive or die, perilously, in a heap, broken by oneself, drained by ones own ideas, and never, ever, ever venturring into any sort of unknowingness, or,....selfsatisfaction and self love. self love means being led by oneself everywhere. without restraint. easily. going.