the sorrow brings me back to You.
I'll admit it.
It's been too long since I've prayed like I've really meant with. My prayers have been lacking any sort of passion. They haven't felt necessary. I know that is incorrect, but that is how I've felt. Like maybe my prayers didn't mean anything; couldn't change anything; were not helpful. Maybe I thought they weren't being heard?
I'm not sure. All I know is that it's been a long time since I've prayed like this.
Maybe that's why God gives us situations that are seem so impossible to handle sometimes. Maybe He wants us to see that not only can we NOT do it on our own, we're not supposed to.
I've had more than a handful of situations this past week that have literally pushed me to the ground. God likes his metaphors to mean something, I guess? And when there is nothing else to do, but look up toward the ceiling with tears in my eyes and aches in my heart, I am able to pray like never before. Nothing is too little to lift up, nothing seems too insignificant.
Some things seem almost too big, but what else can I do? My power has been stripped away and nothing is in my control any longer. There are no options, other than to hand it over.
That's one thing I'll say about this field of social work: It humbles you quick. You realize pretty fast that most of the things you are facing on a daily basis are MUCH larger than you. You are essentially powerless. Falling to your knees isn't even an option - it's the ONLY option. And so I've learned, over the past few months, how to pray like I mean it again. And when things happen in my personal life - with a friend or a family member - I do what I've had to do since I've started Grad school: I pray. Fervently. Without ceasing. With an open heart and with a passion that I didn't know was possible.
There is a song called "40 Days" by Third Day that has a few lines that have really been resonating with me for the past few weeks. I've been playing this song over and over again in my car. These lines have become somewhat of an incessant prayer:
Here I am at what feels like the end
And so I come to You, my Lord, again
With this burden buried deep within
This heart that You have made.
In this trial that I'm going through
I don't question 'cause I know it's true
That the sorrow brings me back to You
And You have made me stronger.
Even when my knees hit the ground, or I'm flat on my face, I know its for a reason. I have clients that can't get the things that they need, family members with new issues, and people in my life just tugging at my heartstrings. This changes nothing. I am here, in this place, physically and spiritually, for a reason. I am in this profession for a reason, for many reasons, the least of which is not to bring me back to the floor. Here I am at what feels like the end, and so I come to you, My Lord, again. With this burden buried deep within this heart that You have made. In this trial that I'm going through, I don't question 'cause I know it's true, that the sorrow brings me back to You, and You have made me stronger.