(no subject)
I feel so lost. I don't know what to do with myself at all. I am surprised and not at the same time. When they said she was having heart failure I took it as a sure sign that she would die. Even when they would give us good news they still never mentioned her heart recovering. It's true, her pulse did rise for a day, but the amount of liquid they pulled out of her lungs with a needle was just unbelievable. I can't even believe she made it that long. It's just that...she was so very young. It was SO out of nowhere. They got the test results back around the time she died, but I didn't care whatever they said because she was already gone.
The day before, they sounded like they had a firm diagnosis and were just waiting for results to confirm it. That night around 2am they phoned us to say her condition was severe. It had probably already happened at that time but they were being vague about it. They asked us to come in immediately, but we were a far taxi ride away in the middle of the night. After some consideration they said first train would be okay. We thought that if it was really urgent they would have had us come in, or in the case as it was, it wouldn't matter about the time. We barely were able to get back to sleep and then woke and rushed all the way there. There was no point. Harry missed his morning class and now he might fail and not graduate this semester. After the doctor told us, he let Harry view her, but I just couldn't. I wanted to think of her the way she was: playing with bottlecaps and tissues and sleeping between us. Hysterically crying, we waded back through morning rush hour.
Now we're here. In the apartment we moved into a month earlier that was so hard to find because of having a pet. It's SO empty and SO lonely. We cried for a long time and then found the strength to clean up her things. God that was SO hard. Barely eating, sleeping erratically, feeling sick. I can't imagine being happy again. I know I will, but right now I feel like that will never happen.
The day before, they sounded like they had a firm diagnosis and were just waiting for results to confirm it. That night around 2am they phoned us to say her condition was severe. It had probably already happened at that time but they were being vague about it. They asked us to come in immediately, but we were a far taxi ride away in the middle of the night. After some consideration they said first train would be okay. We thought that if it was really urgent they would have had us come in, or in the case as it was, it wouldn't matter about the time. We barely were able to get back to sleep and then woke and rushed all the way there. There was no point. Harry missed his morning class and now he might fail and not graduate this semester. After the doctor told us, he let Harry view her, but I just couldn't. I wanted to think of her the way she was: playing with bottlecaps and tissues and sleeping between us. Hysterically crying, we waded back through morning rush hour.
Now we're here. In the apartment we moved into a month earlier that was so hard to find because of having a pet. It's SO empty and SO lonely. We cried for a long time and then found the strength to clean up her things. God that was SO hard. Barely eating, sleeping erratically, feeling sick. I can't imagine being happy again. I know I will, but right now I feel like that will never happen.