Heaven from here
I came back from Ibiza last week. I loved it. It was amazing. I had fun with what very very little money I had and I made the most of it. Last year the thought of spending 2 weeks with some of those lads really put me off, but then I came back feeling much closer to them. This year spending 2 weeks with those lads didn't bother me at all, but I came home realising just how much I've grown apart from them. Sandy especially. I love the boy, with all my heart, But it never struck me just how much we'd drifted from each other. The 2nd night he fell right out with himself and for some obscure reason he blamed me. He launched a tirade of abuse at me calling me all sorts of names and insults, to this day I still dont know why. At first I let it wash over me and played it cool and just asked what the hell he was on about. More abuse. I pleaded with him, and stayed calm. More abuse. Do what Aaron would do, I said to myself. Dont flinch and stare them right in the eye, and ask them what THEIR problem is, and whatever you do, DONT react. So I did. Even more abuse. Then I dont know what happened. I remember losing control and just snapping out of some rage, shouting over Sandy, who by this time had fallen back into a seat, eyes wide with shock and saying fucking nothing. I remember Meryl and Kev trying to grapple me back and I threw the both of them 3 feet to the side. I was going to smash Sandy in the face. On the nose to be precise. I wanted to see him bleed and cry, crunching him on the nose would do both with one hit. The sudden realisation of "Im actually going to batter Sandy" came into my head and I froze. Dont be stupid, I told myself. Then I stormed off in the opposite direction before Sandy came running down the street with hugs and apologies.
Forgiven but not forgotten. It left a really bad taste in my mouth. Something similar happened last year on holiday, though it wasnt as bad as this, where Sandy was clearly in the wrong. I've never ever felt like I actually wanted to see Sandy suffer, but this time I did. To say he was totally out of order would be understatement of 2007. He was beyond that. And it bugged me for days. I made jokes about it for the next couple of days. I had to, I could see the lads were a bit nervous when the 2 of us were in the same room and it was a taboo subject for a wee while, before it did actually just become a running joke.
Sandy though to be fair, he made up for it. Sandy and I had drifted something terribly, I hadnt actually realised how much until we had a proper chat, just the two of us. The guy used to be my best mate, we were at one point inseperable. But he knew actually fuck all about what was going on with me recently. I see Sandy in work. Maybe the odd night out. That's it. He's full time in a job now, Im in uni, we both have girlfriends, and thats just the story really. We barely see each other outside of Red these days. It was good talking to him again about things. He got a lot off of his chest. Personal things which I could just feel being trusted with. And whenever I tell Sandy things, after I say it..no matter how serious I always get the feeling it now isn't that big of a deal. I think it's just Sandy I get that feeling with. Kev too actually. It's weird. But it's good! That's why I guess I miss talking to him so much. We can always tell our problems to each other if we want and then after it both say, "Y'know what? Who cares! It's not even that big of a deal, we're awesome!" and actually believe it.
What I found on the holiday was that alot of the banter and laughs and memories didnt come from nights out but actually just sitting round the apartments, waiting to go out, or that boring 6 hour period from 4pm - 10pm where you can only sunbathe for so long and it's nowhere near time to go out. I missed Katy alot but I knew that was coming, and not so much that it put me in any sort of downer. What I didnt expect to happen was I missed my mates alot too. I came home on Thursday morning, Doddie picked me up and I gave him a bear hug and a half at the airport. I went out that night with Thursday Club and I must admit, it beat any night out in Ibiza. It's not where you are, it's who you're with. That's always been my opinion. I believe that even more now.
Katy gets back from holiday tomorrow and I dont think I've been this excited for anything in a really long time. I havent seen her in over 3 weeks and it's been hard. I've had a couple of nights with the lads though which has helped this week fly in. I picked up the books today for the first time to study for my resits and it's going to be tough. Hard fucking work, but I think I'll be okay. As long as I just keep my head down and dont fuck about. I know what it takes to pass now and I need to start getting used to it. I spoke to Harv last night and he brought up something about maturing these days. He doesn't get as fucked as he used to, not that he's trying to prove a point, but just because he doesn't like that feeling. He misses jumping around on the dancefloor like he used to but doesnt feel the need to do it now. Then he said he hates feeling this way. Looking back on last year and looking at today and seeing the difference. I feel the exact same way he does. I do miss it. It just doesn't feel the way it used to. But I'm confident it's just some temporary feeling. In fact I KNOW it is some temporary feeling. Im sure we all feel it at some point, before we feel whatever slight strain of sensibility we have slipping through our fingers. Maturity? Get fucked!!
x
Forgiven but not forgotten. It left a really bad taste in my mouth. Something similar happened last year on holiday, though it wasnt as bad as this, where Sandy was clearly in the wrong. I've never ever felt like I actually wanted to see Sandy suffer, but this time I did. To say he was totally out of order would be understatement of 2007. He was beyond that. And it bugged me for days. I made jokes about it for the next couple of days. I had to, I could see the lads were a bit nervous when the 2 of us were in the same room and it was a taboo subject for a wee while, before it did actually just become a running joke.
Sandy though to be fair, he made up for it. Sandy and I had drifted something terribly, I hadnt actually realised how much until we had a proper chat, just the two of us. The guy used to be my best mate, we were at one point inseperable. But he knew actually fuck all about what was going on with me recently. I see Sandy in work. Maybe the odd night out. That's it. He's full time in a job now, Im in uni, we both have girlfriends, and thats just the story really. We barely see each other outside of Red these days. It was good talking to him again about things. He got a lot off of his chest. Personal things which I could just feel being trusted with. And whenever I tell Sandy things, after I say it..no matter how serious I always get the feeling it now isn't that big of a deal. I think it's just Sandy I get that feeling with. Kev too actually. It's weird. But it's good! That's why I guess I miss talking to him so much. We can always tell our problems to each other if we want and then after it both say, "Y'know what? Who cares! It's not even that big of a deal, we're awesome!" and actually believe it.
What I found on the holiday was that alot of the banter and laughs and memories didnt come from nights out but actually just sitting round the apartments, waiting to go out, or that boring 6 hour period from 4pm - 10pm where you can only sunbathe for so long and it's nowhere near time to go out. I missed Katy alot but I knew that was coming, and not so much that it put me in any sort of downer. What I didnt expect to happen was I missed my mates alot too. I came home on Thursday morning, Doddie picked me up and I gave him a bear hug and a half at the airport. I went out that night with Thursday Club and I must admit, it beat any night out in Ibiza. It's not where you are, it's who you're with. That's always been my opinion. I believe that even more now.
Katy gets back from holiday tomorrow and I dont think I've been this excited for anything in a really long time. I havent seen her in over 3 weeks and it's been hard. I've had a couple of nights with the lads though which has helped this week fly in. I picked up the books today for the first time to study for my resits and it's going to be tough. Hard fucking work, but I think I'll be okay. As long as I just keep my head down and dont fuck about. I know what it takes to pass now and I need to start getting used to it. I spoke to Harv last night and he brought up something about maturing these days. He doesn't get as fucked as he used to, not that he's trying to prove a point, but just because he doesn't like that feeling. He misses jumping around on the dancefloor like he used to but doesnt feel the need to do it now. Then he said he hates feeling this way. Looking back on last year and looking at today and seeing the difference. I feel the exact same way he does. I do miss it. It just doesn't feel the way it used to. But I'm confident it's just some temporary feeling. In fact I KNOW it is some temporary feeling. Im sure we all feel it at some point, before we feel whatever slight strain of sensibility we have slipping through our fingers. Maturity? Get fucked!!
x