taste.

[liliwar]

i know i should be sleeping. i know i know i know. the complete uselessness of every-fucking-thing is a tad frightening....immobilizing. i want a completion. impulsive wretch that i am. i want what i want now. only now. only ever this moment. this is all i will ever know. and how dare i be questioned. and how dare they even think they know. am i truly lost? gone? one to many knocks to the head? bullshit like that. i feel as i know. always know something else. something no one wants to touch. but i want it for my own and i hold to it childishly. fucking mine. illusions. i create my world. they follow...what? another's? who am i to know anything. but ah, i know. it doesnt matter. because i feel i know. this doubt attempts to be my undoing. but no. no no no. i know i am a child. i know i refuse to comply.
you cannot touch me. you cannot dare. really, you dont know how. you as in all them. they. what do they see? anything? truth. is.... and in the simple conversations. in the ordinariness. i feel... something lurking....something not quite dormant....laughing....smiling? or perhaps smirking.
it knows it cannot die.
im far too attached to my fantasies.....not that. not a fantasy. im a child not a girl. my conceptions.
they are my conceptions. my idealogies.
and i will never what to do unless placed in that moment.
and i will never properly function in a society asking for something so designed.

i can't. i can't. i can't. it's killing me.