apartment 262
i love my new room and how it's shaping up. everyone should come visit it. it is strange how representative of yourself a room that you dwell in can be. i have missed all my pictures and it was a delight to pull them out today and set them up. there's still plenty of work to do to get it just right, but tonight i am going to sleep a very happy and content little girl. and my hair smells good too! hales is silly... so fickle and so, well - young. i love her to death and i am glad she is going through all she is going through because it hels me to understand my own circumstances a bit. though i do not totally condone her behavior - i do understand matters of the heart and how it seems that experiencing everything you possibly can in that department of life would help you to figure out what you want and don't want and everything else experience and action should help you understand. it's just so sorry that some learn lessons of this sort so easily and know so soon what is right and good and satisfactory for them and some have to search so long and hard and though i do agree that they should do it and that they wouldn't learn any other way - in the end it proves futile as they realize all the time they've lost and misused and passed over "searching" for what they have always known in the backs of their minds to be what they wanted and needed --- those who end up waiting patiently and those who search uselessly forever both hurt alike in the end... one from knowing they are right and having to wait, the other for cataloguing their accomplishments and merits--wading through the muck of relationships that end up in scorn or hate or hurt or loss only to end up at the end of a raveled cord and yearning for the care and comfort of the one that took such good care of them. why is there such a difference between types of people and how they learn and what they want and how they accomplish that? i mean i'm glad we're not all robots and totally like... but you would think with a bond so strong and eternal as brother/sisterhood in christ that we would all realize the futility in the search for happiness in the opposite sex and trust that god has that person and not to search for it futily in others lips and flesh and promises and smiles -- why is it so fulfilling then -- to feel cared about/for... to feel with your heart and fell felt back?
whoa - why do i get so philosophical on myself so fast?? i read some of eric's emails to me tonight while i was going through my stuff. so long ago.. like 2001 - i realized that no one will ever love me like that... ever!!! but i don't even want that - that exfixiating, smothering, overdone love. it was good for me though - and it did feel nice. but it is odd to read that and know i could have it again if i'd only pick up the phone and ask --- but i don't want it and am sick at the prospect. so see... it is possible to move on and not be fickle which is the right way to do things, guys! i just know that there's a difference - but don't have the energy to discuss with myself right now.
hales - if you read this... you know i don't hate you or disapprove - heck - i told you to break up with cootie (sp?) and move on to jeremy or bob or whoever you come across. i just worry about your heart and its over-exertion. i am exercising the "high c's" (thanks p-rick!!) on you. i have ultimate compassion, care, and whatever else for you - no matter what the cost. i love you and you know that. this whole thing is mostly about me talking myself and discussing myself and getting myself back to some sort of normalcy. you know my heart and where it stands and how it is the ruin of me. i hate how it clings and cares so unabashedly. i wish it were much more easy and unaffected. that is not me though - i do not exercise the casual relationship very well but am learning, lest i end it all.
cal is my ultimate best friend... marriage and all.
whoa - why do i get so philosophical on myself so fast?? i read some of eric's emails to me tonight while i was going through my stuff. so long ago.. like 2001 - i realized that no one will ever love me like that... ever!!! but i don't even want that - that exfixiating, smothering, overdone love. it was good for me though - and it did feel nice. but it is odd to read that and know i could have it again if i'd only pick up the phone and ask --- but i don't want it and am sick at the prospect. so see... it is possible to move on and not be fickle which is the right way to do things, guys! i just know that there's a difference - but don't have the energy to discuss with myself right now.
hales - if you read this... you know i don't hate you or disapprove - heck - i told you to break up with cootie (sp?) and move on to jeremy or bob or whoever you come across. i just worry about your heart and its over-exertion. i am exercising the "high c's" (thanks p-rick!!) on you. i have ultimate compassion, care, and whatever else for you - no matter what the cost. i love you and you know that. this whole thing is mostly about me talking myself and discussing myself and getting myself back to some sort of normalcy. you know my heart and where it stands and how it is the ruin of me. i hate how it clings and cares so unabashedly. i wish it were much more easy and unaffected. that is not me though - i do not exercise the casual relationship very well but am learning, lest i end it all.
cal is my ultimate best friend... marriage and all.