every day gets harder yet better...
time continues to take my life into new directions every day, but, with every day that passes, it just gets better. at times i become afraid of that point in your life when you cant get any higher and you know that some time the hill goes down too and you will be taking a fall to the bottom. its a blind flight until that point and i should be enjoying every second of it. i am very much happy at this point in my life. i have my best friends and although i may not see them every day or even talk to them every day for that matter, i know that they care more than anything in the world. it is such anamazing feeling -which i know i do take for granted every day. but there are things that we all take for granted and for that we are humans.
little things have made me happy lately, and im not sure if it because i am emotional or because i really only need little things to make me happy. the thought of being with tim at the holidays is such a sweet feeling at this point. i want to share that time with him: the tradiotions of my family, my religion and my lifestyle. it is weird but i have this sense of not only trust - which is something that i dont have for a lot of people anymore- but a sense of belonging. i dont worry about what hes doing or who hes with and when and where and how everythign is. and in that sense we are very laid back, but i think that it is necessary in a relationship like ours. it keeps the sanity. but at the same time i feel like i really can share what i want and need with him. i woudlnt want to say this to him at this point i think because i wouldnt want to scare him away but i crave commitment with him. i am such an independant person who needs to have breathing space and room to go do what i need to do. with this i dont feel like i need anything else. i have what i need -besides the not being there.
i didnt feel weird talking to him about craig either... i finally think that really maybe it is time for me to try harder. i have put my hand out to him and yes he has to reach out to it but really what are we doing? i dont know how i ever let it get this far. i have tried but i figure im not going to give up just yet. i need to know that the reason that we arent really friends right now is not because of what happened last year. i need to know that he doesnt want to be friends with me before i let this whole thing go, because the second he tells me that i will leave and then he can go the way he wants... i guess that it is so unresolved. but i know damn well that i will be writing in here in two days saying i give up and it isnt worth it. it is weird but maybe it is an unresolved issue that will linger and we will never figure it out. i dont know the answer...
anyways life wasnt made for me to figure out, it was made for me to live it.
little things have made me happy lately, and im not sure if it because i am emotional or because i really only need little things to make me happy. the thought of being with tim at the holidays is such a sweet feeling at this point. i want to share that time with him: the tradiotions of my family, my religion and my lifestyle. it is weird but i have this sense of not only trust - which is something that i dont have for a lot of people anymore- but a sense of belonging. i dont worry about what hes doing or who hes with and when and where and how everythign is. and in that sense we are very laid back, but i think that it is necessary in a relationship like ours. it keeps the sanity. but at the same time i feel like i really can share what i want and need with him. i woudlnt want to say this to him at this point i think because i wouldnt want to scare him away but i crave commitment with him. i am such an independant person who needs to have breathing space and room to go do what i need to do. with this i dont feel like i need anything else. i have what i need -besides the not being there.
i didnt feel weird talking to him about craig either... i finally think that really maybe it is time for me to try harder. i have put my hand out to him and yes he has to reach out to it but really what are we doing? i dont know how i ever let it get this far. i have tried but i figure im not going to give up just yet. i need to know that the reason that we arent really friends right now is not because of what happened last year. i need to know that he doesnt want to be friends with me before i let this whole thing go, because the second he tells me that i will leave and then he can go the way he wants... i guess that it is so unresolved. but i know damn well that i will be writing in here in two days saying i give up and it isnt worth it. it is weird but maybe it is an unresolved issue that will linger and we will never figure it out. i dont know the answer...
anyways life wasnt made for me to figure out, it was made for me to live it.