Tale of Houses Four ~ the Every Flavor Beans version
ETA 10:23 a.m.: Happy belated birthday, dear gelsey :-)
And I was going to write you a birthday fic, but didn't realize that yesterday was the 27th so erm, consider this your birthday fic. Sorry for lack of mention of Snape :-P
"Tale of Houses Four" by lilian_cho
This public message was brought to you by Bertie Botts' Every Flavour Beans
A birthday fic for gelsey
ETA 12/17/06: The Russian translation by L_OLGA is here <333
Rating: PG-13 for gayness warped worldview
Pairing: bean/bean
Warnings: Gen, slash (if you can conceive beans as having gender)
Length: 535 words
Archive: Please ask permission first.
ETA 12:32 p.m.: Thanks ruien for pointing out that I didn't explain the existence of the white beans in the spehshul Gryffindor bowl.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bertie Botts' Every Flavour Beans, Jelly Bellies, or any other candy company. Sadly.
This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made, and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Hogwarts beans
The Gryffindor is higher than everybody else because Gryffindors lord over the Wizarding society in England Gryffindors live in a tower.
Gryffindor beans
Gryffindor beans get a bigger, unique bowl due to discrimination because they are spehshul.
That green speckled bean is one Harry Potter, who was a liar and in denial that he belongs in Slytherin bowl chose to be in the Gryffindor bowl because of UST with Draco two boys that he met on the train. After living for years in the spehshul Gryffindor bowl, he has started contracting Gryffindor-itis manifesting honorable Gryffindor traits.
The white beans are bland dolts without personality coconut beans (signifying their laid back personality) whom the hat figures would fit perfectly into the Gryffindor bowl because Gryffindor beans are all gullible lacklusters anyway Gryffindors are filled with leader beans who can show these coconut beans the way to d00m glory.
Slytherin beans
Slytherins are the bad beans. Amazingly enough, their numbers are higher than Ravenclaw beans, proving that there are more prejudiced ignoramus Purebloods than snotty know-it-alls geniuses.
Those yellowish beans are Crabbe and Goyle, who love Draco v. much indeed whose Hufflepuffian loyalty is v. commendable indeed.
Ravenclaw beans
Ravenclaws are the brainy beans. There are so few of them because the rest of the world are idiots learning has taken a backseat in modern day society. Ravenclaw beans love to roll around with coffee beans in one huge insomniac orgasmic intellectual discussion.
That speckled bean is Luna Lovegood, who is her own bean. Other Ravenclaw beans are wary of her because she hangs out with radishes instead of coffee beans.
Hufflepuff beans
There are as many Hufflepuff beans as Gryffindor beans. This is because Gryffindors need beans to sacrifice in their holy war struggles against the Dark Lord.
Hufflepuff beans sleep on top of one another because they engage in multiple orgies a week there aren't enough room in the Badger hole. They are all ex-members of the Cedric Diggory harem. Graveyard soil did not agree with Cedric's complexion and so he died. Cedric died while getting distracted by the shiny Triwizard Cup heroically.
Dumbledore bean let Cedric bean meet his death so that Harry bean can take over the Hufflepuff Harem and lead them to bean victory. Curse you, Dumblie bean, for taking away such a hot bean from us.
Foreigner beans
Hogwarts is a racist institution that belongs in the Middle Ages the center of the bean universe, and so there are v. few foreigner beans around. Observe how cramped their living arrangements are compared to Hogwarts.
Foreigner beans are purple because they're gay purple is teh pretteh their blood circulation is v. poor, due to their close proximity to Veelas and Vampires.
Muggle beans
Contrary to the beliefs of Weasleys D.E.s, Muggle beans are also beans. They're not lollipops. They're not chewing gum. Our less privileged counterparts are also beans, ladies and gentlemen.
Muggle beans are brown because their magic-less blood is sluggish like mud they farm in the sun and get brown and leathery all over. At least, that's what Seamus bean told us. Hermione bean begged to differ, but nobody likes a know-it-all. Seamus bean's argument is v. compelling.
And I was going to write you a birthday fic, but didn't realize that yesterday was the 27th so erm, consider this your birthday fic. Sorry for lack of mention of Snape :-P
"Tale of Houses Four" by lilian_cho
This public message was brought to you by Bertie Botts' Every Flavour Beans
A birthday fic for gelsey
ETA 12/17/06: The Russian translation by L_OLGA is here <333
Rating: PG-13 for gayness warped worldview
Pairing: bean/bean
Warnings: Gen, slash (if you can conceive beans as having gender)
Length: 535 words
Archive: Please ask permission first.
ETA 12:32 p.m.: Thanks ruien for pointing out that I didn't explain the existence of the white beans in the spehshul Gryffindor bowl.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bertie Botts' Every Flavour Beans, Jelly Bellies, or any other candy company. Sadly.
This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made, and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Hogwarts beans
The Gryffindor is higher than everybody else because Gryffindors lord over the Wizarding society in England Gryffindors live in a tower.
Gryffindor beans
Gryffindor beans get a bigger, unique bowl due to discrimination because they are spehshul.
That green speckled bean is one Harry Potter, who was a liar and in denial that he belongs in Slytherin bowl chose to be in the Gryffindor bowl because of UST with Draco two boys that he met on the train. After living for years in the spehshul Gryffindor bowl, he has started contracting Gryffindor-itis manifesting honorable Gryffindor traits.
The white beans are bland dolts without personality coconut beans (signifying their laid back personality) whom the hat figures would fit perfectly into the Gryffindor bowl because Gryffindor beans are all gullible lacklusters anyway Gryffindors are filled with leader beans who can show these coconut beans the way to d00m glory.
Slytherin beans
Slytherins are the bad beans. Amazingly enough, their numbers are higher than Ravenclaw beans, proving that there are more prejudiced ignoramus Purebloods than snotty know-it-alls geniuses.
Those yellowish beans are Crabbe and Goyle, who love Draco v. much indeed whose Hufflepuffian loyalty is v. commendable indeed.
Ravenclaw beans
Ravenclaws are the brainy beans. There are so few of them because the rest of the world are idiots learning has taken a backseat in modern day society. Ravenclaw beans love to roll around with coffee beans in one huge insomniac orgasmic intellectual discussion.
That speckled bean is Luna Lovegood, who is her own bean. Other Ravenclaw beans are wary of her because she hangs out with radishes instead of coffee beans.
Hufflepuff beans
There are as many Hufflepuff beans as Gryffindor beans. This is because Gryffindors need beans to sacrifice in their holy war struggles against the Dark Lord.
Hufflepuff beans sleep on top of one another because they engage in multiple orgies a week there aren't enough room in the Badger hole. They are all ex-members of the Cedric Diggory harem. Graveyard soil did not agree with Cedric's complexion and so he died. Cedric died while getting distracted by the shiny Triwizard Cup heroically.
Dumbledore bean let Cedric bean meet his death so that Harry bean can take over the Hufflepuff Harem and lead them to bean victory. Curse you, Dumblie bean, for taking away such a hot bean from us.
Foreigner beans
Hogwarts is a racist institution that belongs in the Middle Ages the center of the bean universe, and so there are v. few foreigner beans around. Observe how cramped their living arrangements are compared to Hogwarts.
Foreigner beans are purple because they're gay purple is teh pretteh their blood circulation is v. poor, due to their close proximity to Veelas and Vampires.
Muggle beans
Contrary to the beliefs of Weasleys D.E.s, Muggle beans are also beans. They're not lollipops. They're not chewing gum. Our less privileged counterparts are also beans, ladies and gentlemen.
Muggle beans are brown because their magic-less blood is sluggish like mud they farm in the sun and get brown and leathery all over. At least, that's what Seamus bean told us. Hermione bean begged to differ, but nobody likes a know-it-all. Seamus bean's argument is v. compelling.