So, I've managed to really fuck up this time..
I'm really kicking myself in the ass like I can't tell anybody.
Soooo, went to the doctor on Thursday. No good news came out of that. The pediatrican sent me staight to othopedics, got an x-ray, and then found out the worse news ever. It turns out, throughout all the times I freaking sprained this ankle, I chipped a bone. And. That's deep. We don't know how extensive the damage is just yet, the xray can't show all that. So, Tuesday morning, I'm off to get an MRI which I'll probably cry through. I find out Thursday if I need surgery. And oh yeah, I'm 99.8% sure I'm not going to nationals. Nobody wants me going, my coach doesn't, my parents don't. It just really sucks... This is my last year to go to nationals since next year I'll be graduating. I mean, yes, on the upside, I can see all my best friends graduate. But, don't take this the wrong way seniors, apart of me wishes I could be there, but my heart has been set on nationals this year because how well I've competed this year especially. I really am so disappointed because I had a chance to do so well at this meet, and it's pretty much crushed. My heart has been taken out of my chest, thrown on the floor & stomped on repeatdly. Nobody knows though just how upset I really am over this, and the worse is going to be the practice before everyone leaves when we get the 'nationals pep-talk' and I'll be the only loser there not going because I had to go fuck up my ankle the last time I get a chance to even go. And then when everyone comes back, talking about all the fun they had, while I had to sit at home with nothing to do pretty much. I'm bummed. I've cried so much in these past few days, and I just want this shit to end.
And what kills me even more is the fact that the doctor mentioned that I could possibly need surgery. Seriously, let me just drop dead before having surgery. I can't go through that, I absolutely just can not. Even though it'd be some sort of reconstructive surgery I imagine to repair all the tendons & scrap out dead bone that could eventually cause me to not be able to bend my ankle at all if it spreads, the healing time will probably go into my senior varsity season of gymnastics. Once again, it's like nationals. I'll cry if I can't be with that team next year & compete. I just, I'm blown away. Please, just cast it & give me fucking physical therapy for the rest of my life. I do not want this surgery.
I didn't expect it to be this bad. Really & truely, I don't think it hurts too horribly bad at times. I forget about it sometimes, to tell you the truth. I am so disappointed in everything, & I don't know why everything chooses a worse time to fall the fuck apart. I so want to skip graduation next year just so I can go to nationals and beat the ugly girls I'm supposed to be beating this year. And next year with varsity, I'm supposed to make counties. That's pretty much blown out the window, too. Everything really just crumbled and now everything is fucked up and I'm scared I'm going to lose a part of my life that nobody really knows how much I truely love. Passion overrides the risk anyday, and that's what I've been running on for the past few months... But now, what do you do when the passion is still there & the risk is keeping you away from your passion? I just don't want to lose this sport for good... It's been too much of factor in who I am and how much I've changed for the better these past few years. I always used to say, you know, gymnastics is nOt my life. But, it is such a huge part of my life & in my personality. I can't imagine myself without it. I may not be that hardcore gymnast that works out 36 hours a week, but I do work, and I've improved this year alone so much. I honestly feel like I'm about to lose it all, and just thinking about that is bringing tears to my eyes. I don't want to be done, I haven't done half the things I wanted to do in this sport. I always fight for my passions, especially in situations like this, but, I really am at a loss for what to do. I can't lose this sport, I can't be me without those people. Varsity & from the gym... I just, can't imagine my life without it. And I don't want to. So, I will try. I have such a pessimistic attitude towards this, but what can I do? I want to be positive, I want to be how I normally am when I get injuried, but, I don't know this time. God help me, I just need things to work out for me.
Soooo, went to the doctor on Thursday. No good news came out of that. The pediatrican sent me staight to othopedics, got an x-ray, and then found out the worse news ever. It turns out, throughout all the times I freaking sprained this ankle, I chipped a bone. And. That's deep. We don't know how extensive the damage is just yet, the xray can't show all that. So, Tuesday morning, I'm off to get an MRI which I'll probably cry through. I find out Thursday if I need surgery. And oh yeah, I'm 99.8% sure I'm not going to nationals. Nobody wants me going, my coach doesn't, my parents don't. It just really sucks... This is my last year to go to nationals since next year I'll be graduating. I mean, yes, on the upside, I can see all my best friends graduate. But, don't take this the wrong way seniors, apart of me wishes I could be there, but my heart has been set on nationals this year because how well I've competed this year especially. I really am so disappointed because I had a chance to do so well at this meet, and it's pretty much crushed. My heart has been taken out of my chest, thrown on the floor & stomped on repeatdly. Nobody knows though just how upset I really am over this, and the worse is going to be the practice before everyone leaves when we get the 'nationals pep-talk' and I'll be the only loser there not going because I had to go fuck up my ankle the last time I get a chance to even go. And then when everyone comes back, talking about all the fun they had, while I had to sit at home with nothing to do pretty much. I'm bummed. I've cried so much in these past few days, and I just want this shit to end.
And what kills me even more is the fact that the doctor mentioned that I could possibly need surgery. Seriously, let me just drop dead before having surgery. I can't go through that, I absolutely just can not. Even though it'd be some sort of reconstructive surgery I imagine to repair all the tendons & scrap out dead bone that could eventually cause me to not be able to bend my ankle at all if it spreads, the healing time will probably go into my senior varsity season of gymnastics. Once again, it's like nationals. I'll cry if I can't be with that team next year & compete. I just, I'm blown away. Please, just cast it & give me fucking physical therapy for the rest of my life. I do not want this surgery.
I didn't expect it to be this bad. Really & truely, I don't think it hurts too horribly bad at times. I forget about it sometimes, to tell you the truth. I am so disappointed in everything, & I don't know why everything chooses a worse time to fall the fuck apart. I so want to skip graduation next year just so I can go to nationals and beat the ugly girls I'm supposed to be beating this year. And next year with varsity, I'm supposed to make counties. That's pretty much blown out the window, too. Everything really just crumbled and now everything is fucked up and I'm scared I'm going to lose a part of my life that nobody really knows how much I truely love. Passion overrides the risk anyday, and that's what I've been running on for the past few months... But now, what do you do when the passion is still there & the risk is keeping you away from your passion? I just don't want to lose this sport for good... It's been too much of factor in who I am and how much I've changed for the better these past few years. I always used to say, you know, gymnastics is nOt my life. But, it is such a huge part of my life & in my personality. I can't imagine myself without it. I may not be that hardcore gymnast that works out 36 hours a week, but I do work, and I've improved this year alone so much. I honestly feel like I'm about to lose it all, and just thinking about that is bringing tears to my eyes. I don't want to be done, I haven't done half the things I wanted to do in this sport. I always fight for my passions, especially in situations like this, but, I really am at a loss for what to do. I can't lose this sport, I can't be me without those people. Varsity & from the gym... I just, can't imagine my life without it. And I don't want to. So, I will try. I have such a pessimistic attitude towards this, but what can I do? I want to be positive, I want to be how I normally am when I get injuried, but, I don't know this time. God help me, I just need things to work out for me.