(no subject)
If Sunday and Monday are any indication of what my week is going to be like then I'm ready for the weekend all ready. My mind is in 500 different places right now. I'm so emotional, so lost, and so confused. Last night I cried myself to sleep, and as of right now I'm sure I'll be doing the same thing. I've had these episodes before, but I don't think anything has been this bad. I guess all the other times I had Angie to help me through it. All I had to do was walk in the room and she knew something was wrong before I even said a word or shed a tear. I just feel like we are going down two different paths in our lives, so its hard for me to talk to her about things. Sometimes I feel like she looks at me now and doesn't see her best friend but some stranger. That really scares me alot, because my biggest fear is that we are going to grow apart. I want to tell her all these things but I'm so emotional when it comes to our friendship that I'd spend the whole time crying and get nothing accomplished. Gosh, I so need to get my life together. Relationships, friendships, you name it and it seems to be broke. I swear I just want to disappear for a few months maybe even a year and just be by myself. Somewhere where I don't have to be strong where I can just let all these emotions inside of me out. Just allow myself to be a weak individual on the inside as well as the outside. Not have to put on my "I'm okay, my life is great" exterior that everyone wants to see. For once I want to do something for me. Something that is going to let me figure out me. I wanna be able to go to church without feeling like a hypocrite, but I'm so lost that I just keep running. I can't even put in a christian cd without crying my eyes out because I realize how lost and far away from the Lord I am. But instead of doing anything about it I just get worse and worse. I just feel unworthy of that kind of love. Why should anyone love me in my current state of mind? I just wish I had all the answers but of course that would be too easy. Until I figure it out I'll just cry myself to sleep and hope and pray that when God shows me the way I listen. No matter if it's what I want or not.