you fall away from your past, but it's following you
ok i guess i just needed to vent so i came to my neglected livejournal.. although i've been thinking about this for a while i think i finally came to an understanding behind my madness.. i've figured out so many things about myself in the past couple months..
I hate when people hate me - I harp on the fact that I do nothing to people yet they hate me. Actually sometimes I may do things, out of anger, and just don't realize them. I go out of my way for people to not hate me.
I despise competition, yet surround myself with it - For as long as I can remember I've been in competition with everything I do. I take tough classes only to find that I'm surrounded by people who are expecting 4.0 GPAS when I was hoping for a 3.0. I'm always worried about being put on the back burner. This isn't only with school though, it's everything. When it comes to boys, I feel like I always have to be better than the last girl they were getting with, and I hate it. It goes the same for friends too.
I'm scared of being serious, yet every thought in my mind is serious - I'm the person who is always smiling, but is never truly happy. With everything going on I try to surround myself in so much other stuff so that I don't have to think about the things I need to face. When I'm out with my friends I talk about everything except for whats on my mind, and maybe once in the while in the middle of a conversation I'll slip in "my cousin needs a heart and kidney transplant, I'm scared.. so what's everyone doing for Christmas this year?"
I don't let people see how much they mean to me because I'm terrified to show it - My family hands down means more to me than anything in this world. My cousin Boomer is having the toughest time and it brings me to taears when I think about it, yet couldn't get up to courage to go to the hospital more than once to see him. He has no idea how strongly I feel about the whole situation and he probably thinks I don't care about him at all. I actually have a hard time letting everyone in my family know how I feel. People die, and I cry. But then again, I always cry. The only people I feel comfortable talking to about anything are my cousins Melissa and Pete and occasionally Karen. And still I don't even think they realize how much I value the fact that they're always there for me. For years I never said "I love you" to my grandpop, because he was always so quiet. Strange how I can relate though. We occasionally talked about school and about what I wanted to do with my life, and then he just died. I had no idea what to do and it completely killed me because I had no clue he was dead until I came home from Dana's sleepover to an empty house because the whole family spent the night at the hospital without calling me. The only thing I can remember is being thankful that someone, no names mentioned, forced me to go to the hospital to see him two days before it happened. I also remember seeing him in a coma and running out of the hospital hysterical crying with my cousin and Karen running after me. I wonder from time to time if he was ever upset with me for causing a commotion at his sister-in-laws 90th birthday party - my dad says he never forgave me, but I doubt that it's true, I'm sure he probably got some entertainment out of it. The fact that I never told him how I felt I guess brought me closer in a way? I keep him around my neck every day of importance, and if I didn't have my cross enclosed in a heart around my neck I would refuse to take a test, give a speech or a presentation. I honestly believe that personality traits skip a generation in the family. I'm definitely my grandfather's granddaughter. Stubborn, yet the most caring man in the world. Took everyone's problems on his own shoulders. Quiet, yet contemplative. Definitely had a knack for science. Experienced way too much in such little time. Fits me to a tee, well maybe not the last part. When it comes to my friends, in particular who have done everything they could to pick me up when I fell flat on my face. They would be Krissy and Kenny. When my uncle died, Krissy immediately threw together a pool party just to keep everything off my mind, while Kenny offered to rollerblade through the many nations to get to my house to keep me company at 3 AM.. I have no idea what I would do without the two of them. I have an absolutely amazing boyfriend and I feel like I don't let him know how great he is either. No one else would ever put up with my weirdness haha
My great memory is the most detrimental contribution to my life. - What may seem like a great quality to possess is the one thing that cripples me. I can not listen to a song, watch a movie, drive by a street, or look at a picture without having a story behind it. Usually the stories involve things that no longer have any importance in my life, and the memory of them haunts me and hurts me more than anything. I can replay a million conversations in my head, think of promises I've made, and then realize I broke them and feel like complete crap. When I'm feeling optimistic I'll look at the memories and be happy that I was at least able to experience them, but then again when am I ever feeling optimistic?
I'm a perfectionist, and I HATE perfectionists. - Everything I do has to be done on time, and must be more than adequate. If I'm going somewhere important, I have to make sure I look my best. Night before a test, I'm the loser you find with her head in the book, and the one who goes to every extra credit oppotunity. I'm a nerd.
I fear the truth. - Sometimes I'd rather live in ignorance than know the truth behind something because, as Meredith Grey says, "The truth freaking hurts."
I'm an idiot, a big one. - I fall for people's shit over and over again. Not twice, not three times, sometimes more than five times. It takes me a while to realize that I don't need people, and that's when I cut them off completely.
I live in a dreamworld. - I'm always expecting things to go the way they do in 'Boy Meets World,' or '7th Heaven,' where nothing stays broken for more than a "to be continued.."
I forgive too easily. - I have no explanation for this
I'm spiteful. - Do not do something terrible to me or else I'll want to retaliate. Usually I don't pull through with it, but I do make some plans hahah.
All in all I realize I have some terrible personality traits haha and that kind of sucks. I go from one extreme to another, based upon what is going on in my life or the lives of my family members. I am surrounded by the most amazing people though and never realized it. I lost touch with a lot of people from highschool, but there's a solid 20 i still talk to, and i'll say about half of the 20 I either see all the time or talk to on a daily basis. Life has been improving, grades are good, boyfriend is wonderful, family is ok but not great but they're hanging in there, and my friends are the best, and everyone of those previously mentioned things gets me through every day. My memory and everything that comes with it is what brings my mood down and destroys everything for me.
So as this entry ends, my good friend Charlie just told me something that makes a lot of sense - "people dont hate other people they just envy them"
I hate when people hate me - I harp on the fact that I do nothing to people yet they hate me. Actually sometimes I may do things, out of anger, and just don't realize them. I go out of my way for people to not hate me.
I despise competition, yet surround myself with it - For as long as I can remember I've been in competition with everything I do. I take tough classes only to find that I'm surrounded by people who are expecting 4.0 GPAS when I was hoping for a 3.0. I'm always worried about being put on the back burner. This isn't only with school though, it's everything. When it comes to boys, I feel like I always have to be better than the last girl they were getting with, and I hate it. It goes the same for friends too.
I'm scared of being serious, yet every thought in my mind is serious - I'm the person who is always smiling, but is never truly happy. With everything going on I try to surround myself in so much other stuff so that I don't have to think about the things I need to face. When I'm out with my friends I talk about everything except for whats on my mind, and maybe once in the while in the middle of a conversation I'll slip in "my cousin needs a heart and kidney transplant, I'm scared.. so what's everyone doing for Christmas this year?"
I don't let people see how much they mean to me because I'm terrified to show it - My family hands down means more to me than anything in this world. My cousin Boomer is having the toughest time and it brings me to taears when I think about it, yet couldn't get up to courage to go to the hospital more than once to see him. He has no idea how strongly I feel about the whole situation and he probably thinks I don't care about him at all. I actually have a hard time letting everyone in my family know how I feel. People die, and I cry. But then again, I always cry. The only people I feel comfortable talking to about anything are my cousins Melissa and Pete and occasionally Karen. And still I don't even think they realize how much I value the fact that they're always there for me. For years I never said "I love you" to my grandpop, because he was always so quiet. Strange how I can relate though. We occasionally talked about school and about what I wanted to do with my life, and then he just died. I had no idea what to do and it completely killed me because I had no clue he was dead until I came home from Dana's sleepover to an empty house because the whole family spent the night at the hospital without calling me. The only thing I can remember is being thankful that someone, no names mentioned, forced me to go to the hospital to see him two days before it happened. I also remember seeing him in a coma and running out of the hospital hysterical crying with my cousin and Karen running after me. I wonder from time to time if he was ever upset with me for causing a commotion at his sister-in-laws 90th birthday party - my dad says he never forgave me, but I doubt that it's true, I'm sure he probably got some entertainment out of it. The fact that I never told him how I felt I guess brought me closer in a way? I keep him around my neck every day of importance, and if I didn't have my cross enclosed in a heart around my neck I would refuse to take a test, give a speech or a presentation. I honestly believe that personality traits skip a generation in the family. I'm definitely my grandfather's granddaughter. Stubborn, yet the most caring man in the world. Took everyone's problems on his own shoulders. Quiet, yet contemplative. Definitely had a knack for science. Experienced way too much in such little time. Fits me to a tee, well maybe not the last part. When it comes to my friends, in particular who have done everything they could to pick me up when I fell flat on my face. They would be Krissy and Kenny. When my uncle died, Krissy immediately threw together a pool party just to keep everything off my mind, while Kenny offered to rollerblade through the many nations to get to my house to keep me company at 3 AM.. I have no idea what I would do without the two of them. I have an absolutely amazing boyfriend and I feel like I don't let him know how great he is either. No one else would ever put up with my weirdness haha
My great memory is the most detrimental contribution to my life. - What may seem like a great quality to possess is the one thing that cripples me. I can not listen to a song, watch a movie, drive by a street, or look at a picture without having a story behind it. Usually the stories involve things that no longer have any importance in my life, and the memory of them haunts me and hurts me more than anything. I can replay a million conversations in my head, think of promises I've made, and then realize I broke them and feel like complete crap. When I'm feeling optimistic I'll look at the memories and be happy that I was at least able to experience them, but then again when am I ever feeling optimistic?
I'm a perfectionist, and I HATE perfectionists. - Everything I do has to be done on time, and must be more than adequate. If I'm going somewhere important, I have to make sure I look my best. Night before a test, I'm the loser you find with her head in the book, and the one who goes to every extra credit oppotunity. I'm a nerd.
I fear the truth. - Sometimes I'd rather live in ignorance than know the truth behind something because, as Meredith Grey says, "The truth freaking hurts."
I'm an idiot, a big one. - I fall for people's shit over and over again. Not twice, not three times, sometimes more than five times. It takes me a while to realize that I don't need people, and that's when I cut them off completely.
I live in a dreamworld. - I'm always expecting things to go the way they do in 'Boy Meets World,' or '7th Heaven,' where nothing stays broken for more than a "to be continued.."
I forgive too easily. - I have no explanation for this
I'm spiteful. - Do not do something terrible to me or else I'll want to retaliate. Usually I don't pull through with it, but I do make some plans hahah.
All in all I realize I have some terrible personality traits haha and that kind of sucks. I go from one extreme to another, based upon what is going on in my life or the lives of my family members. I am surrounded by the most amazing people though and never realized it. I lost touch with a lot of people from highschool, but there's a solid 20 i still talk to, and i'll say about half of the 20 I either see all the time or talk to on a daily basis. Life has been improving, grades are good, boyfriend is wonderful, family is ok but not great but they're hanging in there, and my friends are the best, and everyone of those previously mentioned things gets me through every day. My memory and everything that comes with it is what brings my mood down and destroys everything for me.
So as this entry ends, my good friend Charlie just told me something that makes a lot of sense - "people dont hate other people they just envy them"