i'm letting myself be sad today.
forget i have a bf. cause this has nothing to do with him lol. it's important i say that and you will see why very soon.
i went to the bank today almost with tears in my eyes. why? i was going to cash in my bonds. now before i go into that know i couldnt even do it because i dont have a vaild fucking id. anyhow. i was almost crying because those bonds...thats my wedding.
thats right. i have offically decided i'll never get to be married. i'll never wear a pretty dress, i'll never have cute hair, i'll never have a party, i'll never have that moment. i mean i know paying my bills is far more important then some stupid fucking dress and party which point is pretty much just leagal bullshit. all it means is yes, you can both get health care if only one of you work lol. i know thats all it means now a days in reality but...fuckin a.
everyone i know is married. everyone. all of them. i try not to let myself fall into that stupid ass girl trap because it really doesnt matter. still. if it hadnt been for ed it wouldnt effect me at all to tell the truth. i never wanted it. i'm dead serous. i didnt grow up dreaming of crazy ass wedding i didnt draw fuckin dresses or whatever the cilche is. i wanted to be a teenager lol...and we all know how well that worked out for me.
i mean i guess i'm glad i couldnt cash it in because in a way i still have it there. still, i had to kill a part of myself to do that. it's not a super huge amount. about $300. knowing i had it gave me some form of comfort. should it happen i had a dress and a party in the bank. i had pictures and a cake and maaaybe if i was careful even a place to have it all at not just in my mom moms backyard. doubt it would go that far but still the idea was there. now it's just. gone. when ever i get my id fixed i'm still cashing it in.
what makes it so hard is i never had a day. i didnt have a bf when i went to prom, i didnt have a bf when i went to my 8th grade dance, and thats sorta all you get if you never get married. didnt have a sweet 16 or any really big deal b-days. shit i didnt even go out drinking on my 21st b-day. nothing has ever been just about me. i've never had that moment where i got super dressed up and looked so cute and there was someone looking at me just smiling.
and lady, ya i'm bringin ya up lol. yeah you didnt have a big deal wedding, in fact you did it just to get insureence BUT look how small it was suppost to be and what it turned into. do you know why that happened? because everyone loves you. i'm not saying that mockingly we love you. we wanted to see you as happy as you could be. and i know it's kinda silly but it did mean alot to me that i could to be the maid of honor even if it was just me anyhow lol. thats as close to that moment i'll ever have.
i know i'm being super emo and grumpy baby about all this but fuckin shit.
as sick as it is. i really do wish i had gotten ed to marry me when he still loved me. then at least i would be like, fighting for somthing. it's a very werid thing i can really put into words. i dont love him, i dont even like that guy but i kinda wish we had just gotten married and just been competely unhappy together and fight and cry and all that hot mess. i dunno. i guess i dont really mean that.
it's easier to be sad.
isnt that some shit? lol it really is.
i should stop all that self pity is pointless. just hurts like hell to finally admit to myself i have given up on that.
i went to the bank today almost with tears in my eyes. why? i was going to cash in my bonds. now before i go into that know i couldnt even do it because i dont have a vaild fucking id. anyhow. i was almost crying because those bonds...thats my wedding.
thats right. i have offically decided i'll never get to be married. i'll never wear a pretty dress, i'll never have cute hair, i'll never have a party, i'll never have that moment. i mean i know paying my bills is far more important then some stupid fucking dress and party which point is pretty much just leagal bullshit. all it means is yes, you can both get health care if only one of you work lol. i know thats all it means now a days in reality but...fuckin a.
everyone i know is married. everyone. all of them. i try not to let myself fall into that stupid ass girl trap because it really doesnt matter. still. if it hadnt been for ed it wouldnt effect me at all to tell the truth. i never wanted it. i'm dead serous. i didnt grow up dreaming of crazy ass wedding i didnt draw fuckin dresses or whatever the cilche is. i wanted to be a teenager lol...and we all know how well that worked out for me.
i mean i guess i'm glad i couldnt cash it in because in a way i still have it there. still, i had to kill a part of myself to do that. it's not a super huge amount. about $300. knowing i had it gave me some form of comfort. should it happen i had a dress and a party in the bank. i had pictures and a cake and maaaybe if i was careful even a place to have it all at not just in my mom moms backyard. doubt it would go that far but still the idea was there. now it's just. gone. when ever i get my id fixed i'm still cashing it in.
what makes it so hard is i never had a day. i didnt have a bf when i went to prom, i didnt have a bf when i went to my 8th grade dance, and thats sorta all you get if you never get married. didnt have a sweet 16 or any really big deal b-days. shit i didnt even go out drinking on my 21st b-day. nothing has ever been just about me. i've never had that moment where i got super dressed up and looked so cute and there was someone looking at me just smiling.
and lady, ya i'm bringin ya up lol. yeah you didnt have a big deal wedding, in fact you did it just to get insureence BUT look how small it was suppost to be and what it turned into. do you know why that happened? because everyone loves you. i'm not saying that mockingly we love you. we wanted to see you as happy as you could be. and i know it's kinda silly but it did mean alot to me that i could to be the maid of honor even if it was just me anyhow lol. thats as close to that moment i'll ever have.
i know i'm being super emo and grumpy baby about all this but fuckin shit.
as sick as it is. i really do wish i had gotten ed to marry me when he still loved me. then at least i would be like, fighting for somthing. it's a very werid thing i can really put into words. i dont love him, i dont even like that guy but i kinda wish we had just gotten married and just been competely unhappy together and fight and cry and all that hot mess. i dunno. i guess i dont really mean that.
it's easier to be sad.
isnt that some shit? lol it really is.
i should stop all that self pity is pointless. just hurts like hell to finally admit to myself i have given up on that.