DUELING POSTS!!!!!!!
..i just had to post again. what just happened just...damn.
okay. so i was lookin up cupcakes pics and his mom came in the room and we ended up talking for like an hour. this woman. i cant put into words. i really cant she is the most wonderful person i've ever met. best way i can exsplain is i have my aunt mill back. i know that means nothing to anyone who would read this but..shit. i have aunt mill back. it's so nice. she just loves me for some reason. in a way it scares me. i mean i havent DONE ANYTHING. she keeps thanking me. i mean i know the woman does over react it's part of her UNFATHOMABLE charm. still. the things she tells me. the way she talks to me. it's hard to keep my head level.
i know where and how i want everything to go down. i know it sorta goes agst everything i said in the last post but i have let myself...daydream and hope. but as always before anything else i do view myself as a realist. i very very bad realist lol. but i do have..how do i exsplain. every action i have had since about our 3rd date has been very thought out. i walk on glass because reltionships as i have seen and lived them are very scary things. such small things can break them. whats the worse part of viewing things realistly is knowing love can break love. love can also lead to....bad bad things. as louie c.k. put it teh best thing that can happen is you live long enough to watch the person die. yeah it's sorta negitive but thats fuckin true.
i know what i have right.
it scares the fuck out of me.
it happened at the worse moment ever lol.
ya know the real end to real fairy tales are always sad. the realistic end to this all is me back alone in my room morning what i lost. this is how i view it right now. i wont be able to keep this. i cant have him. it hurts but lets view this as what it is. someday this guy is going to turn around and see what he is wasteing his time on. someday he will see everything he has given me and all i havent given to him.
i've let somone hold my heart before. it's gone. in his hands it burn and rotted away.there isnt anything left for patrick to hold on to. best i can hope for his with his...treatment of me he can somehow rebuild what i lost.
just talking to that woman really touched somthing in me. maybe it's already begone to reform. still best he can hope for is the scar tissue.
this sounds so negitive lol. truth is i feel good. i like how i feel. i like being around him just. i know what i want. it isnt that i dont think he can give it to me i know for a fact he can. the problem is i think i'm starting to see what he needs and i dont think i can give that to him. i seem to be doing okay so far but it's all blind luck.
just meeting was dumb luck.
our second date was a huge mistake.
everything.
lol picture vash when he cried over doughnuts lol. thats how i feel 90% of the time now. it's a heavyness but a good kind.
this hasnt made much sense has it? emtion rarely does i guess.
point is.
i know how the grinch felt when his heart grew and i like that pain.
okay. so i was lookin up cupcakes pics and his mom came in the room and we ended up talking for like an hour. this woman. i cant put into words. i really cant she is the most wonderful person i've ever met. best way i can exsplain is i have my aunt mill back. i know that means nothing to anyone who would read this but..shit. i have aunt mill back. it's so nice. she just loves me for some reason. in a way it scares me. i mean i havent DONE ANYTHING. she keeps thanking me. i mean i know the woman does over react it's part of her UNFATHOMABLE charm. still. the things she tells me. the way she talks to me. it's hard to keep my head level.
i know where and how i want everything to go down. i know it sorta goes agst everything i said in the last post but i have let myself...daydream and hope. but as always before anything else i do view myself as a realist. i very very bad realist lol. but i do have..how do i exsplain. every action i have had since about our 3rd date has been very thought out. i walk on glass because reltionships as i have seen and lived them are very scary things. such small things can break them. whats the worse part of viewing things realistly is knowing love can break love. love can also lead to....bad bad things. as louie c.k. put it teh best thing that can happen is you live long enough to watch the person die. yeah it's sorta negitive but thats fuckin true.
i know what i have right.
it scares the fuck out of me.
it happened at the worse moment ever lol.
ya know the real end to real fairy tales are always sad. the realistic end to this all is me back alone in my room morning what i lost. this is how i view it right now. i wont be able to keep this. i cant have him. it hurts but lets view this as what it is. someday this guy is going to turn around and see what he is wasteing his time on. someday he will see everything he has given me and all i havent given to him.
i've let somone hold my heart before. it's gone. in his hands it burn and rotted away.there isnt anything left for patrick to hold on to. best i can hope for his with his...treatment of me he can somehow rebuild what i lost.
just talking to that woman really touched somthing in me. maybe it's already begone to reform. still best he can hope for is the scar tissue.
this sounds so negitive lol. truth is i feel good. i like how i feel. i like being around him just. i know what i want. it isnt that i dont think he can give it to me i know for a fact he can. the problem is i think i'm starting to see what he needs and i dont think i can give that to him. i seem to be doing okay so far but it's all blind luck.
just meeting was dumb luck.
our second date was a huge mistake.
everything.
lol picture vash when he cried over doughnuts lol. thats how i feel 90% of the time now. it's a heavyness but a good kind.
this hasnt made much sense has it? emtion rarely does i guess.
point is.
i know how the grinch felt when his heart grew and i like that pain.