almost nice
let me go through today in order....
i wake up to my mom knocking on my door. she had to use the comp. no big deal i get she has to do her...college stuff...so i dont really care. i just played around on my ps3 getting like GAME STUFF for once. (lately it's pretty much a $300 cable box.) anyhow, it was FINE. and she starts bitching because i have my comp set up at teh end of my bed and it wasnt comfy for her. like i could see bitching if she paid for it but this time she has ZERO claim on my comp. the comp itself patrick gave me and the monitor dad gave me. in fact the last one i paid for. then when she was gettin ready to leave she made a big deal of it like i was bothered by her useing it when i tell her all the time if she needs to JUST FUCKIN ASK I WILL LET YOU IN.
so next event.
we were goina go over my cos friends house for dinner but i just wasnt feeling very soical. i've been running all over the place with patrick and in thoery i'll be starting work pretty soon so i wanted so time competely alone. after they left i spent a nice long time cooking yself a nummy yummy hamburger with bacon and mushrooms and onions and cheese. it was soooo fuckin good. then i sat down on the sofa and watch all of a show called deadly 60 (all about crazy animals) then i watched a show all about this leopard, some guy flimed it from birth till death. it was really cool. after that i got a really nice long shower, really took my time and shaved super close and well. it's somthing that makes me happy. not sure why just showers make me really happy.
NOW.
i set out of the shower, got clean undies and heard the door open. on teh way back to my bed room this happened...
me: hello! (pause) HELLO (pause) hi (pause) I said hi!!
mom: did you call sallie mae yet?
me: no, i didnt even think of it why?
mom: mom mom got a call they want her to pay all of it at once. so call them.
now. this info has to get to me no doubt but is that somthing you tell someone by yelling it upstairs before you even see them? and think back through this day. they left at like 5..well closer to 6. she told me this at midnight. they were at a friends house all night. i was alone all day. why didnt she tell me this when there was a chnace i could DO SOMTHING? shoot me a text, call me do somthing.
also she just told me about call them last night. i had no idea they were after her that badly.
now let me add somthing in selfishly...MOM MOM HAS THE MONEY TO DO THIS! i know i know thats not the point but still. she keeps lording over me everything she has done but she hasnt done shit. yes i'm in her house but she didnt earn the house, her dad gave it to her. none of her money she earned, pop pop and her dad gave it to her. at least what mom has she's worked for, she tried for she put in teh effort to have it. i cant respect a woman who only worked 2 or 3 4 years max of her life. she didnt even raise mom, all teh hard work my pop pop and aunt mill did.
plus maybe if both of them had like, seen wtf there child was up to for the last um....10 fucking years they would see what had been going on. okay not 10. more like 5. point in if mom had taken some intrest in what was going on in my life she would know how badly fucked i was money wise. neither of them have offered any real help. even with moving in here i pretty much had to demand it. i'm just getting very fustraded and it's mostly because of the college thing. i get why she would want to BUT it has no fuckin purpose.
i just cant get it out of my head. the suicide thing. i think part of it is thinking about patricks dad. he went through the death of a parent the right way. they get sick, they die, it's very sad and you pull yourself up. i had to watch her "die" 3 times for no reason at all. i cant be mad about it. i cant do anything about it and my life is fucked because of it.
i guess if she had made any effort to make it up to me, then again how do you fix somthing like that? it just really fuckin sucks living though this all over again.
dont get me wrong. i fucked up too. most of it is my problem and my fault but they never offered any help at all. comes down to what i've said 3,000 times. i never asked to live alone. i didnt think i was ready and shockingly i fucking wasnt. i think before i was so wraped up in my issues with ed i never thought about, hey, my parents know i'm kinda doomed money wise...i wonder why they never say anything? yes, if i asked for $20 for lunch for the week at work i had it. point is they never reached out to me and now i'm pretty fuckin bitter about it.
i wake up to my mom knocking on my door. she had to use the comp. no big deal i get she has to do her...college stuff...so i dont really care. i just played around on my ps3 getting like GAME STUFF for once. (lately it's pretty much a $300 cable box.) anyhow, it was FINE. and she starts bitching because i have my comp set up at teh end of my bed and it wasnt comfy for her. like i could see bitching if she paid for it but this time she has ZERO claim on my comp. the comp itself patrick gave me and the monitor dad gave me. in fact the last one i paid for. then when she was gettin ready to leave she made a big deal of it like i was bothered by her useing it when i tell her all the time if she needs to JUST FUCKIN ASK I WILL LET YOU IN.
so next event.
we were goina go over my cos friends house for dinner but i just wasnt feeling very soical. i've been running all over the place with patrick and in thoery i'll be starting work pretty soon so i wanted so time competely alone. after they left i spent a nice long time cooking yself a nummy yummy hamburger with bacon and mushrooms and onions and cheese. it was soooo fuckin good. then i sat down on the sofa and watch all of a show called deadly 60 (all about crazy animals) then i watched a show all about this leopard, some guy flimed it from birth till death. it was really cool. after that i got a really nice long shower, really took my time and shaved super close and well. it's somthing that makes me happy. not sure why just showers make me really happy.
NOW.
i set out of the shower, got clean undies and heard the door open. on teh way back to my bed room this happened...
me: hello! (pause) HELLO (pause) hi (pause) I said hi!!
mom: did you call sallie mae yet?
me: no, i didnt even think of it why?
mom: mom mom got a call they want her to pay all of it at once. so call them.
now. this info has to get to me no doubt but is that somthing you tell someone by yelling it upstairs before you even see them? and think back through this day. they left at like 5..well closer to 6. she told me this at midnight. they were at a friends house all night. i was alone all day. why didnt she tell me this when there was a chnace i could DO SOMTHING? shoot me a text, call me do somthing.
also she just told me about call them last night. i had no idea they were after her that badly.
now let me add somthing in selfishly...MOM MOM HAS THE MONEY TO DO THIS! i know i know thats not the point but still. she keeps lording over me everything she has done but she hasnt done shit. yes i'm in her house but she didnt earn the house, her dad gave it to her. none of her money she earned, pop pop and her dad gave it to her. at least what mom has she's worked for, she tried for she put in teh effort to have it. i cant respect a woman who only worked 2 or 3 4 years max of her life. she didnt even raise mom, all teh hard work my pop pop and aunt mill did.
plus maybe if both of them had like, seen wtf there child was up to for the last um....10 fucking years they would see what had been going on. okay not 10. more like 5. point in if mom had taken some intrest in what was going on in my life she would know how badly fucked i was money wise. neither of them have offered any real help. even with moving in here i pretty much had to demand it. i'm just getting very fustraded and it's mostly because of the college thing. i get why she would want to BUT it has no fuckin purpose.
i just cant get it out of my head. the suicide thing. i think part of it is thinking about patricks dad. he went through the death of a parent the right way. they get sick, they die, it's very sad and you pull yourself up. i had to watch her "die" 3 times for no reason at all. i cant be mad about it. i cant do anything about it and my life is fucked because of it.
i guess if she had made any effort to make it up to me, then again how do you fix somthing like that? it just really fuckin sucks living though this all over again.
dont get me wrong. i fucked up too. most of it is my problem and my fault but they never offered any help at all. comes down to what i've said 3,000 times. i never asked to live alone. i didnt think i was ready and shockingly i fucking wasnt. i think before i was so wraped up in my issues with ed i never thought about, hey, my parents know i'm kinda doomed money wise...i wonder why they never say anything? yes, if i asked for $20 for lunch for the week at work i had it. point is they never reached out to me and now i'm pretty fuckin bitter about it.