broken without a remedy
As I begin to sit here without pen and paper....I start to comtemplate so much of my life now sitting in the palm of my hands. Yesterday, today, the future.....past, present, future.....where will it all go? Where will it all be? As everyone begins to pick up their lives....walking towards what they want....I seem to sit here and loose grip with reality more and more. Deep inside of me, I'm starting to loose myself.....loose my ambition....loose hope....loose faith.....I know I musn't....but I keep still at night on the floor....looking up at that bird hanging over me....asking God where am I? Where will He take me?
2 years ago....this particular week....I should be dead right now.....2 years ago.....this particular week, I told God I had enough and please take me now. 2 years ago, this particular week, I fought with God about my very existence. Deep inside....I did learn my fate and lesson that God spared me...but still I'm fighting for something....I just don't know what. I'm trying to keep my head above the surface....but the waves crash harder and harder.....I understand that we all have our deal of C-R-A-P. Trust me I truly understand. I guess now, I'm just letting the bottle loose.....I'm grabbing that bottle of pain and throwing it into the ground and yelling at the top of my lungs that it's over. I'm sick of it. I'm through with it. One moment I'm so strong.....so confident.....so hopeful.....and the next....I fall, stumble....break.....lost....hopeless.
I know we have our ways now. I know you seem to making it on your own very well...asking someone to call you cause you wanna hear their voice or something....that's fine with me. I know that you feel I'm not quite the friend ever. Fine....I'm healing. I have had the chance to pick up my pieces.....not the best in the world to pick....but I'm taking what is being given to me. I can't believe it all happened though, but I'm thankful it did. It opened that opportunity for another person to become closer. For that I am forever gratful for.
But I can't help it but get alittle edgy inside.
Right now....I would like to get up and leave....just be away from all of this right now. It's all falling...and I can't seem to get a grip on it now. It's overwhelming......I have to re-take the MCAT's....that was emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting....and here I am deciding to take it again....I must have some nerve huh? Well....somethings that I shouldn't have gone through won't hinder me now....my mind will have to focus and my heart will have to die if needed to get me through this one......
I don't care if this is a long post. I need to let go....I can't let go....of this....of the past....of all the misery and pain and joy and happiness. But here and now. Each day, I am faced with that decision. Do I let go? Do I go now? Do I walk away? I don't know.....I can't let this idea of my future just go to dust. Inside I'm broken....I give up.....Here God....take it, take it all I give up, I won't fight you anymore. I'm sorry.
2 years ago....this particular week....I should be dead right now.....2 years ago.....this particular week, I told God I had enough and please take me now. 2 years ago, this particular week, I fought with God about my very existence. Deep inside....I did learn my fate and lesson that God spared me...but still I'm fighting for something....I just don't know what. I'm trying to keep my head above the surface....but the waves crash harder and harder.....I understand that we all have our deal of C-R-A-P. Trust me I truly understand. I guess now, I'm just letting the bottle loose.....I'm grabbing that bottle of pain and throwing it into the ground and yelling at the top of my lungs that it's over. I'm sick of it. I'm through with it. One moment I'm so strong.....so confident.....so hopeful.....and the next....I fall, stumble....break.....lost....hopeless.
I know we have our ways now. I know you seem to making it on your own very well...asking someone to call you cause you wanna hear their voice or something....that's fine with me. I know that you feel I'm not quite the friend ever. Fine....I'm healing. I have had the chance to pick up my pieces.....not the best in the world to pick....but I'm taking what is being given to me. I can't believe it all happened though, but I'm thankful it did. It opened that opportunity for another person to become closer. For that I am forever gratful for.
But I can't help it but get alittle edgy inside.
Right now....I would like to get up and leave....just be away from all of this right now. It's all falling...and I can't seem to get a grip on it now. It's overwhelming......I have to re-take the MCAT's....that was emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting....and here I am deciding to take it again....I must have some nerve huh? Well....somethings that I shouldn't have gone through won't hinder me now....my mind will have to focus and my heart will have to die if needed to get me through this one......
I don't care if this is a long post. I need to let go....I can't let go....of this....of the past....of all the misery and pain and joy and happiness. But here and now. Each day, I am faced with that decision. Do I let go? Do I go now? Do I walk away? I don't know.....I can't let this idea of my future just go to dust. Inside I'm broken....I give up.....Here God....take it, take it all I give up, I won't fight you anymore. I'm sorry.