(no subject)
I managed to sleep last night, and it felt heavenly.
I did some crazy, movie type stuff on Friday night. I am pretty sure I could have had some theme music playing in the background like Bridget Jones. I went to Heather's after work and tried to study but I really couldn't concentrate so I decided to write Conor a letter. Not one that I planned on sending, but just something to get the emotion out. As I was writing I started to realize that I did not want to let him go. And that all this crap I have been saying goes back a long time ago.
I admitted to myself what I already knew somewhere deep down. I have sabotaged every relationship because nothing could compare to what I would have had with alabama matt. And in realizing this, I saw all sorts of stuff that were actually my fault. I had never believed any of it to be because of me, it was all him...until that moment. I decided right then and there that I had to drive back home, wake him up if necessary, and tell him everything. I knew it wouldn't work, but I couldn't play the regret game again wondering what if I had just said something could it be different. So I drove.
I walked in and shocked the heck out of him, which didn't go over very well, but I told him I had to talk to him. I was shaking so bad I could barely stand. I took a few deep breaths, hung up my jacket, sat down and realized I was going to have to do this with him being completely angry with me for interrupting his night of forgetting about emotions.
And I told him every word, every thought, all the things i'd been holding back for no good reason. I told him how twisted I made things in my head. I asked for a chance to show him I meant what I said, I hated how I had become and that I could and would change. Not change who I am, but more my state of mind. I told him every reason I loved him and that its not supposed to end like this.
He said good effort. Move on with my life. And a few other statements dripping with anger and sarcasm. I asked him to drop the wall for a moment. I somehow found the strength to continue to say what I needed to him hear despite his reaction. I stayed the night and we spoke very briefly the next morning. I asked him not to think I'm crazy. I'm not going to be a psycho ex-girlfriend/stalker. I came to say what I needed to say and did it even matter that I said it. It did matter...it was just too late. Amid more tears, I told him ok and that I will move as soon as I can and stay away.
With that, I went to work. I have been working this entire weekend and it has been a tremendous help. I called April and got myself a place to move to on my way in yesterday after I left home. I will be moving this week to her old house which she has not even listed yet for selling. My roommate will be her 20 year old sister, who is pretty much my sister since I've known her for her entire life. I called Conor to see if he would help me move and got a genuinely shocked answer that I would be gone so quickly, but yes he would help me.
Then came the most unexpected phone call. Conor called me at work to apologize for being unnecessarily mean the night before and that he didn't mean to make it harder on me that it already was. He also said he'd like it if I cam home instead of going to Heather's. Fully knowing this did not mean getting back together, I decided to come home. I had one more piece to say. I told him why I rushed over here at midnight the night before. That I would never have had the guts to do it if I waited. It was not to cause drama or make it hard on him. It was about not having regret and I feel very sad but at peace that I did what I could. I can't change that I didn't see it sooner, but I did try my best.
I think he heard me, deep down. I think I got through the wall. There is still hope for us. Not the really bad for you, I'm going to hold on to this person even though they want nothing to do with me and waste my life away pining for them, kind of hope. We both have things to get straight and if/when we do, and the love is still there, we may have another chapter in the story.
otherwise we'll write a new one of friendship.
I am still very very sad, and will be. but I'm not depressed and I'm not angry and I have no regrets. I will be okay.
I did some crazy, movie type stuff on Friday night. I am pretty sure I could have had some theme music playing in the background like Bridget Jones. I went to Heather's after work and tried to study but I really couldn't concentrate so I decided to write Conor a letter. Not one that I planned on sending, but just something to get the emotion out. As I was writing I started to realize that I did not want to let him go. And that all this crap I have been saying goes back a long time ago.
I admitted to myself what I already knew somewhere deep down. I have sabotaged every relationship because nothing could compare to what I would have had with alabama matt. And in realizing this, I saw all sorts of stuff that were actually my fault. I had never believed any of it to be because of me, it was all him...until that moment. I decided right then and there that I had to drive back home, wake him up if necessary, and tell him everything. I knew it wouldn't work, but I couldn't play the regret game again wondering what if I had just said something could it be different. So I drove.
I walked in and shocked the heck out of him, which didn't go over very well, but I told him I had to talk to him. I was shaking so bad I could barely stand. I took a few deep breaths, hung up my jacket, sat down and realized I was going to have to do this with him being completely angry with me for interrupting his night of forgetting about emotions.
And I told him every word, every thought, all the things i'd been holding back for no good reason. I told him how twisted I made things in my head. I asked for a chance to show him I meant what I said, I hated how I had become and that I could and would change. Not change who I am, but more my state of mind. I told him every reason I loved him and that its not supposed to end like this.
He said good effort. Move on with my life. And a few other statements dripping with anger and sarcasm. I asked him to drop the wall for a moment. I somehow found the strength to continue to say what I needed to him hear despite his reaction. I stayed the night and we spoke very briefly the next morning. I asked him not to think I'm crazy. I'm not going to be a psycho ex-girlfriend/stalker. I came to say what I needed to say and did it even matter that I said it. It did matter...it was just too late. Amid more tears, I told him ok and that I will move as soon as I can and stay away.
With that, I went to work. I have been working this entire weekend and it has been a tremendous help. I called April and got myself a place to move to on my way in yesterday after I left home. I will be moving this week to her old house which she has not even listed yet for selling. My roommate will be her 20 year old sister, who is pretty much my sister since I've known her for her entire life. I called Conor to see if he would help me move and got a genuinely shocked answer that I would be gone so quickly, but yes he would help me.
Then came the most unexpected phone call. Conor called me at work to apologize for being unnecessarily mean the night before and that he didn't mean to make it harder on me that it already was. He also said he'd like it if I cam home instead of going to Heather's. Fully knowing this did not mean getting back together, I decided to come home. I had one more piece to say. I told him why I rushed over here at midnight the night before. That I would never have had the guts to do it if I waited. It was not to cause drama or make it hard on him. It was about not having regret and I feel very sad but at peace that I did what I could. I can't change that I didn't see it sooner, but I did try my best.
I think he heard me, deep down. I think I got through the wall. There is still hope for us. Not the really bad for you, I'm going to hold on to this person even though they want nothing to do with me and waste my life away pining for them, kind of hope. We both have things to get straight and if/when we do, and the love is still there, we may have another chapter in the story.
otherwise we'll write a new one of friendship.
I am still very very sad, and will be. but I'm not depressed and I'm not angry and I have no regrets. I will be okay.