Don't know yet if I'm glad I came...
Last night passed. Thankfully. The last time I looked at my watch it was 1:34am so I must have finally drifted off to sleep sometime after that. I first tried to get to sleep at 10pm. But I was so paranoid that the insomnia that plagued me for so many years of my life would take over again that I jinxed myself. That in turn built up an enormous amount of anxiety. I lay awake willing myself to sleep for hours.
I woke up this morning and hauled myself out of bed. Outside, dawn was still lurking. The sky was dark in parts but in the East the sun was rising and light was overtaking the morning. It was a strange and empowering feeling to be up before the sun and to be driving to work seeing the day blossom in my back mirror. As I arrived at school there were children milling around the playground and it was still not fully light. That made me smile. As if the notion of rising before the sun meant that I was part of some secret club. This band of devoted monks whose sole purpose was to arise early and pass knowledge unto other. But alas, it's not quite as extravagant as that. I am merely a teaching assistant who works with one bad ass kid!!!
Anyway, today at work was strange. When I first arrived and had a chat with the SENCO (Special Educational Needs Co-Ordinator) I was told that the boy that I was working with before I left for the States was still at the school. His behaviour had improved and he had managed to save himself from being excluded. Apparently he had missed me terribly and hated my replacement (despite this, she must have done a lot of work with him because I found that his level of work had massively improved). However, Callum, a boy that I worked with last year and made so much progress with in his final year of infants had been permanently excluded. This made me so sad and angry that nothing had been done earlier to stop his self destructive cycle. I was head hunted to go work in that school when all the kids moved up to juniors, but sadly not to work with Callum. Not that it would have done him any good. That downward spiral started in his last few days with me when his mother banned the father from all contact with the kids. By the time September came around and he started the new school his anger and resentment had already taken hold. And 5 weeks into term when I arrived it was too late. There was little we could all do to control his behaviour and he finally ended up losing his right to stay in school...
The reason it hurts me so much is that this system doesn't help anyone. Excluding him isn't helping him or his family. They all need support and counselling. Callum is such a bright kid with a beautifully caring heart, he just craves love and attention and thrives when he gets it. Argh, it's so frustrating. I feel like I let him down, that I didn't do enough earlier to stop this from happening. I want to go out there and find him and save him. I don't want him to end up as another statistic, he doesn't deserve that and he's far too intelligent for a life of deviantism.
I know I shouldn't blame myself or take this all to heart. But I can't help it. I hate that it has ended this way.
At the same time. My new project's mother told me that he couldn't wait till I got back and would be his helper again because apparently I give a shit, unlike the other helper. (Those were his exact words and please bear in mind that he is only 8) *sigh* It is such a cruel cruel world full of so much heartache.
One day I'll make sure that I make a difference to someone, somehow xxx
I woke up this morning and hauled myself out of bed. Outside, dawn was still lurking. The sky was dark in parts but in the East the sun was rising and light was overtaking the morning. It was a strange and empowering feeling to be up before the sun and to be driving to work seeing the day blossom in my back mirror. As I arrived at school there were children milling around the playground and it was still not fully light. That made me smile. As if the notion of rising before the sun meant that I was part of some secret club. This band of devoted monks whose sole purpose was to arise early and pass knowledge unto other. But alas, it's not quite as extravagant as that. I am merely a teaching assistant who works with one bad ass kid!!!
Anyway, today at work was strange. When I first arrived and had a chat with the SENCO (Special Educational Needs Co-Ordinator) I was told that the boy that I was working with before I left for the States was still at the school. His behaviour had improved and he had managed to save himself from being excluded. Apparently he had missed me terribly and hated my replacement (despite this, she must have done a lot of work with him because I found that his level of work had massively improved). However, Callum, a boy that I worked with last year and made so much progress with in his final year of infants had been permanently excluded. This made me so sad and angry that nothing had been done earlier to stop his self destructive cycle. I was head hunted to go work in that school when all the kids moved up to juniors, but sadly not to work with Callum. Not that it would have done him any good. That downward spiral started in his last few days with me when his mother banned the father from all contact with the kids. By the time September came around and he started the new school his anger and resentment had already taken hold. And 5 weeks into term when I arrived it was too late. There was little we could all do to control his behaviour and he finally ended up losing his right to stay in school...
The reason it hurts me so much is that this system doesn't help anyone. Excluding him isn't helping him or his family. They all need support and counselling. Callum is such a bright kid with a beautifully caring heart, he just craves love and attention and thrives when he gets it. Argh, it's so frustrating. I feel like I let him down, that I didn't do enough earlier to stop this from happening. I want to go out there and find him and save him. I don't want him to end up as another statistic, he doesn't deserve that and he's far too intelligent for a life of deviantism.
I know I shouldn't blame myself or take this all to heart. But I can't help it. I hate that it has ended this way.
At the same time. My new project's mother told me that he couldn't wait till I got back and would be his helper again because apparently I give a shit, unlike the other helper. (Those were his exact words and please bear in mind that he is only 8) *sigh* It is such a cruel cruel world full of so much heartache.
One day I'll make sure that I make a difference to someone, somehow xxx