Insomnia
The more I try to will myself to sleep, the more alert and tense I get. I've freaked myself out by repeatedly reminding myself that I have to be awake by 6:30am to get to school on time. My body clock is so messed up that I have turned into a night owl and it is going to be so ugly in the morning. I can't go to school and work with children with a fuzzy head and puffy eyes. It just doesn't happen. So why can't my brain understand that, cut me slack and switch itself off?
Sure, it has plenty of things to think about. I always have things to think about, but must they all mill around right now??! Why not in the morning, in the shower or when I am in my car, listening to the radio, stuck in traffic?? That's the perfect time to make a list of things to do or to fret about the future. Not at nearly midnight, when I need to be awake in 6 hours time. ARGH.
At this very moment, my brain is telling itself off for procrastinating, for not having done things that I should have done by now. Basically, I am scolding myself for being me. Which is neither good for my mind (frankly I feel like an insane schizophrenic) nor my soul. The new ethos and rules that I laid down a while back is that I love me. No more hating and most certainly no more scolding. I shan't be beating myself up anymore....only, that's exactly what I am doing right now.
The fact of the matter is that I need to sleep. All of this is just hysteria. I am deliriously tired and have entered that phase of sheer panic and fear that I often wander into. It's not healthy and so wholly consuming that it takes a long while to pull one self out of...time, that I do not have because it is so late...
Hmmm...I am hungry, maybe I should just go and eat some cereal?
Oh lord, I promised myself that I would start to document my life more, like I used to years ago, to actually use my journal, but this is not quite what I had in mind. I didn't wish to start 2008's entries so negatively or in such disarray. I just wish I could close my eyes and drift off to sleep. That is all I need. My mind has been overworked today, it is frazzled and needs rest before it takes a pounding tomorrow.
Positive thinking. I will switch off the machine now, lay my head down on my clean and fresh smelling pillow and think thoughts of gently crashing waves, the manhattan skyline, mikos chattering on a beach somewhere. Anything calm and hopefully, my prayers will be answered and I will succumb to a peaceful REM cycle.
Wish me luck...
Sure, it has plenty of things to think about. I always have things to think about, but must they all mill around right now??! Why not in the morning, in the shower or when I am in my car, listening to the radio, stuck in traffic?? That's the perfect time to make a list of things to do or to fret about the future. Not at nearly midnight, when I need to be awake in 6 hours time. ARGH.
At this very moment, my brain is telling itself off for procrastinating, for not having done things that I should have done by now. Basically, I am scolding myself for being me. Which is neither good for my mind (frankly I feel like an insane schizophrenic) nor my soul. The new ethos and rules that I laid down a while back is that I love me. No more hating and most certainly no more scolding. I shan't be beating myself up anymore....only, that's exactly what I am doing right now.
The fact of the matter is that I need to sleep. All of this is just hysteria. I am deliriously tired and have entered that phase of sheer panic and fear that I often wander into. It's not healthy and so wholly consuming that it takes a long while to pull one self out of...time, that I do not have because it is so late...
Hmmm...I am hungry, maybe I should just go and eat some cereal?
Oh lord, I promised myself that I would start to document my life more, like I used to years ago, to actually use my journal, but this is not quite what I had in mind. I didn't wish to start 2008's entries so negatively or in such disarray. I just wish I could close my eyes and drift off to sleep. That is all I need. My mind has been overworked today, it is frazzled and needs rest before it takes a pounding tomorrow.
Positive thinking. I will switch off the machine now, lay my head down on my clean and fresh smelling pillow and think thoughts of gently crashing waves, the manhattan skyline, mikos chattering on a beach somewhere. Anything calm and hopefully, my prayers will be answered and I will succumb to a peaceful REM cycle.
Wish me luck...