How long must I wait?
I have had a weird day today. Work was very dull indeed, but I managed to get quite a lot done. Then I read my book at lunchtime, which I am loving: Aunt Julia and the Scripwriter by Mario Vargas Llosa.
After work I went to the gym and did about 20 minutes on the treadmill and then a body balance class, which was fucking hard. I didn't realise how unfit and out of shape I am. I used to be a lot more supple and flexible, because just trying to touch my toes was an effort today, I am ashamed of myself *wail* But it felt good afterwards, until I realised that I have pulled a muscle in my arm, which provides a grand dull ache that vibrates from my shoulder all the way to my elbow. And then sharp pangs of pain when I jerk my arm around, like the devil himslef were poking my elbow with his fork. bastard. My aunt then gave me some healing and a lil massage with eucaplytus oil and made it all better :)
Well, why I really wanted to write tonight, was that when I got home from the gym and had all these mad chemicals swilling around my bloodstream due to the exercise, I had this huge rush of energy. I ate my baked cod and veggies with such vigour and then danced around the kitchen cleaning up...Everyone thought that there was something wrong with me..and then I crashed.
My gran has started sifting through my granddad's things. All his clothes, shoes, scarves, ties, jewellery and she began offering them to us. This is a lovely gesture as it means that we get to keep some of his things close to us, but it is also heartbreaking, to have to clean out his wardrobe and see the blatant emptiness that he leaves in our house and hearts now that he is gone.
My aunt and I helped my grandma, I am so proud of her, anything that is not wanted or is not suitable for us is being put in a container and sent to Lebanon to help all the people who have been displaced from their homes due to the war. I think it is very kind of her to do that, she could easily have sold them, but she knows that my granddad was a caring man who always wanted to help and this is a perfect way to honour this part of his personality.
I walked away with one of his silk ties, which I will give to my husband to wear on our wedding day...
One of his silk scarves, in fact the one that he wore almost every day, I feel bad taking this without my other aunts having the chance to see it or claim it, but it is beautiful and they weren't here. So I seized the opportunity, I will adore it and wear it as much as he did. Also, a winter baker boy hat, which is stunning, can't wait for it to get cold, an autumnal flat cap and my gran made me take a silver watch that he had. I also feel bad about that, but it is cute and has an adjustable strap so she wanted me to have it because it actually fits.
I feel wrong 'claiming' his possessions, but at the same time comforted. I like to know that I have been honoured with his presence in material form in the hope that he might bless me with his presence, in the ethereal form. It makes it all very real that he is gone. Even now, a week and a half later, the truth sometimes escapes me and I expect to see him in front of the TV, or at the cooker making halva, or at his burea writing and then I squint and look again and realise that it's just the passing of air and time that caught my eye. But I know he is here, somewhere, I just wish I could feel him...
That is all for now,
my arm is aching again and I would like this pain to remain as glowing cinders and not to erupt in to a raging fire of agaony, so I bid you all goodnight xxx
After work I went to the gym and did about 20 minutes on the treadmill and then a body balance class, which was fucking hard. I didn't realise how unfit and out of shape I am. I used to be a lot more supple and flexible, because just trying to touch my toes was an effort today, I am ashamed of myself *wail* But it felt good afterwards, until I realised that I have pulled a muscle in my arm, which provides a grand dull ache that vibrates from my shoulder all the way to my elbow. And then sharp pangs of pain when I jerk my arm around, like the devil himslef were poking my elbow with his fork. bastard. My aunt then gave me some healing and a lil massage with eucaplytus oil and made it all better :)
Well, why I really wanted to write tonight, was that when I got home from the gym and had all these mad chemicals swilling around my bloodstream due to the exercise, I had this huge rush of energy. I ate my baked cod and veggies with such vigour and then danced around the kitchen cleaning up...Everyone thought that there was something wrong with me..and then I crashed.
My gran has started sifting through my granddad's things. All his clothes, shoes, scarves, ties, jewellery and she began offering them to us. This is a lovely gesture as it means that we get to keep some of his things close to us, but it is also heartbreaking, to have to clean out his wardrobe and see the blatant emptiness that he leaves in our house and hearts now that he is gone.
My aunt and I helped my grandma, I am so proud of her, anything that is not wanted or is not suitable for us is being put in a container and sent to Lebanon to help all the people who have been displaced from their homes due to the war. I think it is very kind of her to do that, she could easily have sold them, but she knows that my granddad was a caring man who always wanted to help and this is a perfect way to honour this part of his personality.
I walked away with one of his silk ties, which I will give to my husband to wear on our wedding day...
One of his silk scarves, in fact the one that he wore almost every day, I feel bad taking this without my other aunts having the chance to see it or claim it, but it is beautiful and they weren't here. So I seized the opportunity, I will adore it and wear it as much as he did. Also, a winter baker boy hat, which is stunning, can't wait for it to get cold, an autumnal flat cap and my gran made me take a silver watch that he had. I also feel bad about that, but it is cute and has an adjustable strap so she wanted me to have it because it actually fits.
I feel wrong 'claiming' his possessions, but at the same time comforted. I like to know that I have been honoured with his presence in material form in the hope that he might bless me with his presence, in the ethereal form. It makes it all very real that he is gone. Even now, a week and a half later, the truth sometimes escapes me and I expect to see him in front of the TV, or at the cooker making halva, or at his burea writing and then I squint and look again and realise that it's just the passing of air and time that caught my eye. But I know he is here, somewhere, I just wish I could feel him...
That is all for now,
my arm is aching again and I would like this pain to remain as glowing cinders and not to erupt in to a raging fire of agaony, so I bid you all goodnight xxx