update
On the subject of my grandfather dying:
Well, it happened on Thursday and I still haven't recovered from the physical shock of it and the immense exhaustion from having to deal with the amount of people that we had in our house over the weekend. On the mental side of it, I still can't believe that he is gone. It is too weird, I keep dreaming about him, having imaginary conversations in my head with him and keep finding myself sticking my head into his room just to check that's he's not actually in bed, sleeping.
Only this morning did I manage to force myself to shower in our bath; he died in the bathroom anD I was too freaked out to use it before, I couldn't face standing there knowing that is where he stood for his final moments.
I know all these feelings are normal and even though they are floating to me, I am beginning to feel some sort of peace and resolution with the human cycle towards this. I know that we all die one day and that anytime soon, this could happen again...and it will. It was just such a shock because he was the first person that is close to me who has passed away plus the fact that he lived with us...It was just too difficult to comprehend.
There is also the underlying guilt factor that runs through me, the fact that in his last few years he was getting more and more senile and unbearable, he was a rude, mean and nasty man. And I treated him differently for this and I feel like maybe I should have overlooked the way he behaved sometimes, after all, he is still my grandad and it wasn't really him, just his 'illness' talking. And because of this 'wariness' of him, I held back after getting home from South America. I feel like I should have spent more time with him, given him more of my love, my stories...i don't know...just more of anything.
I guess that is also a natural feeling.
On the subject of being home:
I am getting used to it. I am more relaxed than before and a lot of this has to do with the fact that I had a really good week last week (up till Thursday) and this made me realise that it is possible to be comfortable and happy at home with little money and lots of friends. I got taken out for dinner by a lovely Belgian guy, we had food and great conversation and I remembered that you don't have to be on the other side of the world to meet new, interesting and kind people. I won't be seeing him again as he has returned to Belgium, but it was a lovely experience.
On the subject of Adam:
what can I say? The plot thickens...I keep dreaming about him, but after the whole dream where I am willing him to come back to me, I realise that I don't want him back. So this suggests to me that I pine after him at times, merely because I am lonely and longing for some company and good times. Which is fine by me. What I need to learn from this is that it is normal to be lonely and to combat it in a way that doesn't put me through hurt and pain and use it as an opportunity to meet with friends and or make new ones :D
I think I am doing well tonight...
On the subject of the last post. That is Damian, some of you know about him. Another example of needing to be 'classy not crazy' haha. Very obvious the boy doesn't want to stay in contact and I am going to respect those wishes. That photo is there anytime I need to remember how good that time felt and that there is hope yet for something better and stronger.
Do I get a congratulations for my positivity in this post?
My temp job have hired me until December, which is nice of them, they will also be training me up as the secretary so that I can cover her 2 week holiday, which is scary! But it is also great as they are happy to give me a week off in September, which I greatly need to sit down and write..
what do I want to write? Firstly about the trip, all the journals that I lost and that are still un finished. And also, the Queens Theatre have invited me to write a ten minute play to be performed at the showcase in November. So in theory, writing wise I am busy busy busy, I just need time to get it done!
So I am impressed with myself, even if no one else is.
I still hurt and am healing from all the emotional scars left over from the trip as well as new ones created by being back. But I am getting there....got to love that ayahuasca!
I guess I should sign off now, I am tired, spent waay too long infront of a pooter today.
love to you all xxx
Well, it happened on Thursday and I still haven't recovered from the physical shock of it and the immense exhaustion from having to deal with the amount of people that we had in our house over the weekend. On the mental side of it, I still can't believe that he is gone. It is too weird, I keep dreaming about him, having imaginary conversations in my head with him and keep finding myself sticking my head into his room just to check that's he's not actually in bed, sleeping.
Only this morning did I manage to force myself to shower in our bath; he died in the bathroom anD I was too freaked out to use it before, I couldn't face standing there knowing that is where he stood for his final moments.
I know all these feelings are normal and even though they are floating to me, I am beginning to feel some sort of peace and resolution with the human cycle towards this. I know that we all die one day and that anytime soon, this could happen again...and it will. It was just such a shock because he was the first person that is close to me who has passed away plus the fact that he lived with us...It was just too difficult to comprehend.
There is also the underlying guilt factor that runs through me, the fact that in his last few years he was getting more and more senile and unbearable, he was a rude, mean and nasty man. And I treated him differently for this and I feel like maybe I should have overlooked the way he behaved sometimes, after all, he is still my grandad and it wasn't really him, just his 'illness' talking. And because of this 'wariness' of him, I held back after getting home from South America. I feel like I should have spent more time with him, given him more of my love, my stories...i don't know...just more of anything.
I guess that is also a natural feeling.
On the subject of being home:
I am getting used to it. I am more relaxed than before and a lot of this has to do with the fact that I had a really good week last week (up till Thursday) and this made me realise that it is possible to be comfortable and happy at home with little money and lots of friends. I got taken out for dinner by a lovely Belgian guy, we had food and great conversation and I remembered that you don't have to be on the other side of the world to meet new, interesting and kind people. I won't be seeing him again as he has returned to Belgium, but it was a lovely experience.
On the subject of Adam:
what can I say? The plot thickens...I keep dreaming about him, but after the whole dream where I am willing him to come back to me, I realise that I don't want him back. So this suggests to me that I pine after him at times, merely because I am lonely and longing for some company and good times. Which is fine by me. What I need to learn from this is that it is normal to be lonely and to combat it in a way that doesn't put me through hurt and pain and use it as an opportunity to meet with friends and or make new ones :D
I think I am doing well tonight...
On the subject of the last post. That is Damian, some of you know about him. Another example of needing to be 'classy not crazy' haha. Very obvious the boy doesn't want to stay in contact and I am going to respect those wishes. That photo is there anytime I need to remember how good that time felt and that there is hope yet for something better and stronger.
Do I get a congratulations for my positivity in this post?
My temp job have hired me until December, which is nice of them, they will also be training me up as the secretary so that I can cover her 2 week holiday, which is scary! But it is also great as they are happy to give me a week off in September, which I greatly need to sit down and write..
what do I want to write? Firstly about the trip, all the journals that I lost and that are still un finished. And also, the Queens Theatre have invited me to write a ten minute play to be performed at the showcase in November. So in theory, writing wise I am busy busy busy, I just need time to get it done!
So I am impressed with myself, even if no one else is.
I still hurt and am healing from all the emotional scars left over from the trip as well as new ones created by being back. But I am getting there....got to love that ayahuasca!
I guess I should sign off now, I am tired, spent waay too long infront of a pooter today.
love to you all xxx