21st August, 2005
Dear Journal,
The doctors set me up for a bunch of blood tests and ultrasounds. They just want to know if they should be worrying more about what's wrong with me. However, the medication they've given me has really helped. I feel practically normal now.
The big news this week has been the end of a long, confusing time for me. The plan was to go to Bond for uni, and this always seemed like a good plan. However, the past 8 or so months, I've been questioning this. Hanging with Adriana more, and getting closer to Clint, but missing Tamsin and Jane so much...it's made me consider my options more closely. I didn't want to spend half of my 20s in Uni, but then I realised that I'm in no rush to get out into the real world.
The real world is boring and scary, and I want to stay a uni student for as long as I can. So even though I told myself that I had decided to go to Bond, it's as if I always questioned that decision because it wasn't the right one. Instead, I'm going back to Sydney for uni. And I feel good about this. The moment I finalised it in my mind, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I'd be moving back to Sydney at the beginning of next year. I'll have my own place, I'll be away from my parents, closer to my friends, and most of all, I'll have a better chance at a normal uni-student lifestyle. There's a lot of preparation that needs to be done, and that's not including all the study I have to do in order to get the right marks. I'm also sitting the STATs and applying for special consideration as a way of getting the few extra points I might need in order to get into my course. Plus there's furniture to buy, a place to rent, etc, etc...but despite all the commotion this is going to arouse, I feel really good about this. I feel almost happy, which is a big deal. Plus, it's given me the motivation to do really well, and lose weight so that when I go back down, I look and feel good.
It seems almost surreal really. To know I'll be going back home at the end of the year. I was certain that I'd be on the coast for another 4 years at least.
It's a really good feeling.
I haven't been very faithful in my letters to God. I'm still writing them though, which is good. Just need a bit more commitment.
I haven't heard from Clint lately. Part of me says that's good and a huge part of me says that bad. Lately we haven't been talking much when we do get on the phone because there's so little to say. We spent hours talking before, and now it doesn't seem like there's anything left. That worries me, because the attraction to him is in the way him and I communicate. Communication is such a big deal for me. Anyone who can hold my attention, making me laugh, and talk to me forever is the kind of person I can fall in love with. But we haven't been talking much. I told him about moving to Sydney next year. He said it was the best news he'd heard in a long time. So I know he's happy about it. But it would've been nice to hear from him a bit more. I'm a little scared that he's bored with me, because the truth is, I'm a little bored with him. Maybe things are bad for him and he hasn't told me? That worries me as well. I find it hard to comprehend the shit him and his friends get into, it just isn't a situation I'd ever find myself in, so it's hard to sympathise or understand. I wish I had a deeper capacity to be more intune with his life, but it's so hard for me.
Eng Jane called me a few days ago. We had a nice chat. It was actually talking with her that made me really think about uni in Sydney. Jane's always had this really huge influence over me. I think it's because her and I were so inseparable during high school. We put up with so much from each other, and seemed to have infinite patience with each other. There's a loyalty there. I think it's that, she's always looking out for me in the most friend-like kind of way. Ada looks out for me in a motherly kind of way. I love them both, but sometimes Jane's is easier to take because she doesn't seem to enforce rules or expectations except that I be happy with what I do. Anyway, it was really good to hear from her. I wrote to her awhile back and when she didn't respond, I thought maybe she had written me off, but apparently she just sucks at email. It's unfortunate that I suck at calling people...I'm trying to change this. I'm trying to develop a better phone manner. I'm not sure it's working though.
I also heard from Matt. Matt was a guy I knew about a year and a half ago. We had a huge falling out and hadn't spoken for ages. But just before Jane called, Matt called. It was quite a day for old friendships. Anyway, Matt and I have been talking a fair amount lately. I'm very guarded around him, but I'm not so worried about getting hurt now because I used to crush on him, and obviously now I don't at all, so I'm a lot less vulnerable. Anyway, we've been catching up and just getting back on track with our friendship which is kinda nice.
There's not much else to tell. Tamsin called a few days ago too, and we had a long talk. She was so supportive about all the tests I'm having. I was a little worried about them, but she's very informative and really helped to set my mind at ease, plus she had me cracking up at so many things, it was pretty cool. I can't wait till I can go back down and actually hang out with her on a regular basis. I miss her a lot.
I'm hoping to hear from Clint tonight. I really miss him. I'm also doing a lot of study - actually that's a complete lie. I haven't done any study. I've been all weird, but since my medication levels are back to normal, I've been feeling better mentally, so I started studying today, and I'll be studying really hard all week since I have most of it off for medical tests.
That's all from me. No quote because I can't be bothered. I might forget about them. They're more trouble than they're worth.
Until next time...