brain vomit
Wow...it's been a while. I've been really busy lately just living...either that or I've been avoiding thinking too much about how I feel because, honestly, I'm afraid of diving below my recent happiness and finding a terrifed, sad, angry little girl curled up down there. Not that that's necessarily the case, but I don't want to find out.
Lately, I've been wishing I hadn't given up on Spanish. I'm SO glad I speak French and I love it so much, but I wish I was just a little bit more advanced in Spanish before I switched languages. Lately, to keep my homesickness at bay I've been listening to a lot of Spanish music and watching movies in Spanish and loving it. And the other day at work some of the kids had me read part of this Spanish magazine out loud and they were all impressed with the way I could speak, but I had no idea what I was saying (actually, that's a lie...I had SOME idea) and that really bugged me. I mean, seriously, I started learning the language in kindergarden and lived in a city where it's almost as common to hear soemone speaking Spanish as it is to hear English.
...
I'm just going to stop, because I know that, in a way, my desire to know Spanish is rooted in my wanting to hold on to home because I'm scared of losing it...no...I'm scared of it changing too much, or of me changing too much.
...
On a lighter note, at least on the surface, this term has been going really well. My classes are all pretty easy. Probably I'm making them easy, but either way, I don't feel weighed down by school at all. I've had so much time to just be, which I really need in preparation for next year. I've been reading books just for me. I reread this trilogy that I loved in middle school that, despite being a sort of fantasy thing, had some interesting insights into the world...the universe. Then a couple days I started a book called Mountains Beyond Mountains that makes me want to cry a little and then drop out of school and throw myself into some situation where I can just help people all the time. Hands on. Getting dirty. Getting discouraged. Drawing from the things that discourage me and doing more. It's a scary thought, so I put the book down and go to class or go for a walk, and then come back to it and get inspired again. I want to start all over. There are so many things I would like to do differently...things that I think would put me on that path, but all I can do is stay on this one and hope I get there sometime soon.
I LOVE that the weather has been, at the very least, accomodating my desire to be outside and enjoy my last couple months here. I love that last Sunday I spent the afternoon in a park making daisy chains and playing with a nerf football and I love that the sun came out today at Saturday Market and shone on me and Sarah Thorpe and a really good conversation. I love that I've been able to just sit outside and just enjoy the sun here.
Wow...I could go on right now and have a million things to say. But I kind of like keeping some of my happiness and my sadness and my thoughts to myself...I think I feel more complete mulling over life on my own. But I needed to get some of it out cuz it's getting crowded...and because I like the feeling that I get sitting in my room typing, listening to music and the quiet tap-tap of the keyboard. It's soothing just to type...that's silly and really technocentric, but it's true...I go into a kind of zen mode. I'm really just thinking and need to keep myself busy and then voila! My thoughts are in fron of me and I don't really even think about it. I like that a lot.
Lately, I've been wishing I hadn't given up on Spanish. I'm SO glad I speak French and I love it so much, but I wish I was just a little bit more advanced in Spanish before I switched languages. Lately, to keep my homesickness at bay I've been listening to a lot of Spanish music and watching movies in Spanish and loving it. And the other day at work some of the kids had me read part of this Spanish magazine out loud and they were all impressed with the way I could speak, but I had no idea what I was saying (actually, that's a lie...I had SOME idea) and that really bugged me. I mean, seriously, I started learning the language in kindergarden and lived in a city where it's almost as common to hear soemone speaking Spanish as it is to hear English.
...
I'm just going to stop, because I know that, in a way, my desire to know Spanish is rooted in my wanting to hold on to home because I'm scared of losing it...no...I'm scared of it changing too much, or of me changing too much.
...
On a lighter note, at least on the surface, this term has been going really well. My classes are all pretty easy. Probably I'm making them easy, but either way, I don't feel weighed down by school at all. I've had so much time to just be, which I really need in preparation for next year. I've been reading books just for me. I reread this trilogy that I loved in middle school that, despite being a sort of fantasy thing, had some interesting insights into the world...the universe. Then a couple days I started a book called Mountains Beyond Mountains that makes me want to cry a little and then drop out of school and throw myself into some situation where I can just help people all the time. Hands on. Getting dirty. Getting discouraged. Drawing from the things that discourage me and doing more. It's a scary thought, so I put the book down and go to class or go for a walk, and then come back to it and get inspired again. I want to start all over. There are so many things I would like to do differently...things that I think would put me on that path, but all I can do is stay on this one and hope I get there sometime soon.
I LOVE that the weather has been, at the very least, accomodating my desire to be outside and enjoy my last couple months here. I love that last Sunday I spent the afternoon in a park making daisy chains and playing with a nerf football and I love that the sun came out today at Saturday Market and shone on me and Sarah Thorpe and a really good conversation. I love that I've been able to just sit outside and just enjoy the sun here.
Wow...I could go on right now and have a million things to say. But I kind of like keeping some of my happiness and my sadness and my thoughts to myself...I think I feel more complete mulling over life on my own. But I needed to get some of it out cuz it's getting crowded...and because I like the feeling that I get sitting in my room typing, listening to music and the quiet tap-tap of the keyboard. It's soothing just to type...that's silly and really technocentric, but it's true...I go into a kind of zen mode. I'm really just thinking and need to keep myself busy and then voila! My thoughts are in fron of me and I don't really even think about it. I like that a lot.