Hey everyone
Hey,
I know my last entry wasn't a too pretty one but i was goign through alot at the time and still am at times...but i get like that only when my mind has to much to think about and it don't seem to go away until all of it is thought of atleast once...that is just how my mind works...i mean i haven't gotten to much in a good mood since then cause it seems like once i get one thing finished and taken care of another thing would happen and in my mind it goes...i mean its hard for me to trust ppl now a days cause of what has happened to me in the past...i wish i could but i can't...i have tried so hard but once when i even start to try and trust someoen like completely my mind and body jumps into protection mode and it keeps me sometimes from trusting anyone....i mean if i start to really like a guy i get in that mode cause im afarid it would end up happening like the rest of them and i try to stay away from situations like that cause the past ones done left me this much drama and i don't want to cause me more...i know this is confusing but some people out there i know have to understand me about this....my friends i can trust easily but its the other kind that takes awhile for me to trust....in a way its a good thing but in a way its bad becuase they could trust me completely and know what im saying is true but when it come to me trusting them its hard cause i don't think i could believe everything that they say....i know i tell the truth and that is how i am and i know they wouldn't lie to me but its the mode that i put myself in that makes me think what if they are lieing to me and what if its going to happen again and i hate it cause i feel like in all my past releationships i have been lie to and hurt my every single one of them and i just don't know the feeling of it being really true...i thought once when i really did love a guy and trusted him with all my heart but that ended up very bad and learned that i was just being used and that i didn't think there was much caring at all cause if he really did care then when he got a girlfriend would stop talking to me completely and when he didn't he would talk to me like nothing was wrong and so finally im tired of that and just getting over it...took me a while but its finally happening cuase i know there is nothing i can do to change that and so ill just have to live with it and hope that one day even if he is with a girl we would become best friends again....anyways and then i know my friends tell me to let go of the past and just move on but the pain has caused so many tears and unhappiness i don't think i know the feeling of being really happy anymore....i also try and act happy when im around alot of ppl cause i don't want them to see past me being happy to the dark side...i want them to think everything is okey and not have to worry about me cuase that is the last thing i would want any of my friends is to worry alot about me and not on something that is really meant to worry about...i know all my friends worry about me at some point in time but i mean that is a given cause were friends and things happen to make us worry...but i don't want them to worry all the time...i would hate if my friends did that...i mean the only person i can say i worry about most of the time that is one of my friends is my best friend dana but that is only because she has been through more things then i have and sometimes do stupid things when she isn't in the right state of mind and so i have to worry about her and make sure she dont' do anything crazy...cause i really think that if it wasn't for me then she might not be alive right now...but enough about that and about my life i feel so selfish cause all i can do when im on here is talk about me me me and i don't like it cuase i really don't in person...i talk about everything that don't tell with me at all... anyways im am going to go and i want to think everyone out there that do care about me and is able to put up with all this and can actually look past this and know me....Love you all....
Jessica an angel from heaven p.s thanks misty
I know my last entry wasn't a too pretty one but i was goign through alot at the time and still am at times...but i get like that only when my mind has to much to think about and it don't seem to go away until all of it is thought of atleast once...that is just how my mind works...i mean i haven't gotten to much in a good mood since then cause it seems like once i get one thing finished and taken care of another thing would happen and in my mind it goes...i mean its hard for me to trust ppl now a days cause of what has happened to me in the past...i wish i could but i can't...i have tried so hard but once when i even start to try and trust someoen like completely my mind and body jumps into protection mode and it keeps me sometimes from trusting anyone....i mean if i start to really like a guy i get in that mode cause im afarid it would end up happening like the rest of them and i try to stay away from situations like that cause the past ones done left me this much drama and i don't want to cause me more...i know this is confusing but some people out there i know have to understand me about this....my friends i can trust easily but its the other kind that takes awhile for me to trust....in a way its a good thing but in a way its bad becuase they could trust me completely and know what im saying is true but when it come to me trusting them its hard cause i don't think i could believe everything that they say....i know i tell the truth and that is how i am and i know they wouldn't lie to me but its the mode that i put myself in that makes me think what if they are lieing to me and what if its going to happen again and i hate it cause i feel like in all my past releationships i have been lie to and hurt my every single one of them and i just don't know the feeling of it being really true...i thought once when i really did love a guy and trusted him with all my heart but that ended up very bad and learned that i was just being used and that i didn't think there was much caring at all cause if he really did care then when he got a girlfriend would stop talking to me completely and when he didn't he would talk to me like nothing was wrong and so finally im tired of that and just getting over it...took me a while but its finally happening cuase i know there is nothing i can do to change that and so ill just have to live with it and hope that one day even if he is with a girl we would become best friends again....anyways and then i know my friends tell me to let go of the past and just move on but the pain has caused so many tears and unhappiness i don't think i know the feeling of being really happy anymore....i also try and act happy when im around alot of ppl cause i don't want them to see past me being happy to the dark side...i want them to think everything is okey and not have to worry about me cuase that is the last thing i would want any of my friends is to worry alot about me and not on something that is really meant to worry about...i know all my friends worry about me at some point in time but i mean that is a given cause were friends and things happen to make us worry...but i don't want them to worry all the time...i would hate if my friends did that...i mean the only person i can say i worry about most of the time that is one of my friends is my best friend dana but that is only because she has been through more things then i have and sometimes do stupid things when she isn't in the right state of mind and so i have to worry about her and make sure she dont' do anything crazy...cause i really think that if it wasn't for me then she might not be alive right now...but enough about that and about my life i feel so selfish cause all i can do when im on here is talk about me me me and i don't like it cuase i really don't in person...i talk about everything that don't tell with me at all... anyways im am going to go and i want to think everyone out there that do care about me and is able to put up with all this and can actually look past this and know me....Love you all....
Jessica an angel from heaven p.s thanks misty