(no subject)
i haven't written in this thing in a long ass time. life has taken over, and i have hardly enough time to sleave, let alone get online and write in my livejournal. but i should really make more time for writing, because it's my therapy. along with Jose Cuervo. (sad, I know).
I moved out of 505 E. Buttles. Tramatic times, drama to the max. But whateve. I can't really handle stress, and it's pretty sad that i'm more relaxed at my parents house more than my own house. Besides, summer is here and I need my 8 a.m. pool time to survive.
work has taken over my life. between studio sets + working 40+ hours a week + basically being the store manager of my d.o.r., it's a bit overwhelming. but i love it. it's what i want to do in my life, it's what i'm good at. if i keep at it the way i am, life will be great..... i know i can do it.
however, at this point my karma is bad. after 3 months, i realized that i had been lonely and just settling. and it's terrible of me to put a person through that, so i just stopped talking to him. he noticed, of course, and he asked me what was going on. this time my tactics weren't going to work - just ignoring someone won't make them go away, especially if they care a lot. so i told him how i felt and i ended up hurting someone in the end. but not to sound like a bitch or anything, but i deserve more than he could ever give me. i am going far in my life, and i really couldn't see myself with someone who wasn't really doing anything but working. you know? it's really terrible of me to say, but it's how i feel. and as i sit here and read what i'm writing, it makes me sound like a selfish, spoiled little princess. that may be the case, but i'm going so far, i can't have anything hold me back.
according to him, i have commitment problems. so what if i do? he thought he knew me but i guess he didn't understand the shit i went through in my life relationship wise.
which brings me to another point: it's weird how things just are suddenly okay. the past year of silence never happened, the hurtful words and actions never happened. he was one of my best friends - is he really coming back? i was okay when he wasn't around, when we were nothing but assholes to each other. no one gets it though - me and him? they can't understand it. a girl like me with a guy like him. mixing oil and water. it just doesn't happen. yet he has a big part of my heart that i'm not able to let go - he was my first love....
eh. we're not going to worry about it.
i still have a lot of growing to do. a lot i need to learn to love about myself. i'm much better than i was. i don't settle for shit anymore. lord knows i've settled for a great deal of guys in the past - guys who didn't deserve to even breathe the same air as me. i put up with years of being 2nd in someone's life... whether it be next to sports, or ex-girlfriends, or drugs. always second. i'm smarter now, i'm not play that game again. i'm a mess. a beatiful mess and hopefully i'll find someone who can love me for the beautiful mess i am.
enough about relationships.
grandpa c. isn't doing well. he's basically losing it. it's only a matter of time :o\. what can i do though? it's envitable. i need to accept it.
it amazes me how much my "friends" judge me. there's a handful of people in my life who don't judge me:
ali
hosford
james
jc$$
linny looo loooooo
daddy m
mama k
brit
mikey, rj, uncle mike.
bubba
derek
these people love me for who i am.
ehhhh. my life is a mess. always has been, always will be.
margaritas and sunshine. love it.
I moved out of 505 E. Buttles. Tramatic times, drama to the max. But whateve. I can't really handle stress, and it's pretty sad that i'm more relaxed at my parents house more than my own house. Besides, summer is here and I need my 8 a.m. pool time to survive.
work has taken over my life. between studio sets + working 40+ hours a week + basically being the store manager of my d.o.r., it's a bit overwhelming. but i love it. it's what i want to do in my life, it's what i'm good at. if i keep at it the way i am, life will be great..... i know i can do it.
however, at this point my karma is bad. after 3 months, i realized that i had been lonely and just settling. and it's terrible of me to put a person through that, so i just stopped talking to him. he noticed, of course, and he asked me what was going on. this time my tactics weren't going to work - just ignoring someone won't make them go away, especially if they care a lot. so i told him how i felt and i ended up hurting someone in the end. but not to sound like a bitch or anything, but i deserve more than he could ever give me. i am going far in my life, and i really couldn't see myself with someone who wasn't really doing anything but working. you know? it's really terrible of me to say, but it's how i feel. and as i sit here and read what i'm writing, it makes me sound like a selfish, spoiled little princess. that may be the case, but i'm going so far, i can't have anything hold me back.
according to him, i have commitment problems. so what if i do? he thought he knew me but i guess he didn't understand the shit i went through in my life relationship wise.
which brings me to another point: it's weird how things just are suddenly okay. the past year of silence never happened, the hurtful words and actions never happened. he was one of my best friends - is he really coming back? i was okay when he wasn't around, when we were nothing but assholes to each other. no one gets it though - me and him? they can't understand it. a girl like me with a guy like him. mixing oil and water. it just doesn't happen. yet he has a big part of my heart that i'm not able to let go - he was my first love....
eh. we're not going to worry about it.
i still have a lot of growing to do. a lot i need to learn to love about myself. i'm much better than i was. i don't settle for shit anymore. lord knows i've settled for a great deal of guys in the past - guys who didn't deserve to even breathe the same air as me. i put up with years of being 2nd in someone's life... whether it be next to sports, or ex-girlfriends, or drugs. always second. i'm smarter now, i'm not play that game again. i'm a mess. a beatiful mess and hopefully i'll find someone who can love me for the beautiful mess i am.
enough about relationships.
grandpa c. isn't doing well. he's basically losing it. it's only a matter of time :o\. what can i do though? it's envitable. i need to accept it.
it amazes me how much my "friends" judge me. there's a handful of people in my life who don't judge me:
ali
hosford
james
jc$$
linny looo loooooo
daddy m
mama k
brit
mikey, rj, uncle mike.
bubba
derek
these people love me for who i am.
ehhhh. my life is a mess. always has been, always will be.
margaritas and sunshine. love it.