Winding Road...
Some days are easier than others. I think everyone has those days where something is just off the minute you wake up and hope that it will change. Today was one of those days for me, if felt off the minute I woke up and sadly it didn't change throughout the day. The day wasn't awful but it wasn't a good day either. I still did my best to make it through the day with as little breakdowns as possible and I think I did well considering how awful I felt for most of the time.
Work was slower than normal, abnormally slow, to the point of pure boredom. I also dropped more drinks than I can count which thus made the customers very angry today. I can't blame them but it still sucks. I also somehow always leave work with like 4 new cuts on my hands from something.
When it wasn't work it was my own mental demons beating me down. I have a lot of worries about things to come for me, from school to the my dreams. Nothing is locked down as a solid yet since I haven't pledged to my school and my future plans could be changing as well. Today I just felt unworthy of some of the people in my life who have changed me. Sometimes I wonder why they stick around someone like me. I'm honestly not the greatest friend and I have more issues than an issue of a magazine but they still care and talk to me. I can't but help to second guess myself and wonder if I annoy them but they just don't want to tell me cause they know my fragile state. It makes me very cautious around people now and it feels awful to never know if someone truly cares about you or is just there for the good times or to get something from you.
I grew up half my life in a loving home, the other half was hell. I was always told my opinion was dumb, I should stop thinking and just do as I am told. That I'm worthless and won't amount to anything. Being told this for years it apparently has stuck with me to this day and I still have moments where I wonder if what they said is true. Am I really dumb? Am I wasting my time and money on school when it won't matter in the end cause I'm nothing? I want to prove those that said these things to me wrong but I still struggle to find the courage to keep going. Giving up seems easier and to just let me be what they think I am.
This blog got sad really fast and I feel bad for those who will read it but this is what I think and this is what I would of written in my journal as well. This is just me, no filter no fillers, just my thoughts laid out for others to see. I'm not always this happy go lucky Lily who is always there for a friend. I struggle too, I'm human. We are all on this long winding road called life, we are the decisions and turns we make. We can only hope we've made the right ones.
-L
Work was slower than normal, abnormally slow, to the point of pure boredom. I also dropped more drinks than I can count which thus made the customers very angry today. I can't blame them but it still sucks. I also somehow always leave work with like 4 new cuts on my hands from something.
When it wasn't work it was my own mental demons beating me down. I have a lot of worries about things to come for me, from school to the my dreams. Nothing is locked down as a solid yet since I haven't pledged to my school and my future plans could be changing as well. Today I just felt unworthy of some of the people in my life who have changed me. Sometimes I wonder why they stick around someone like me. I'm honestly not the greatest friend and I have more issues than an issue of a magazine but they still care and talk to me. I can't but help to second guess myself and wonder if I annoy them but they just don't want to tell me cause they know my fragile state. It makes me very cautious around people now and it feels awful to never know if someone truly cares about you or is just there for the good times or to get something from you.
I grew up half my life in a loving home, the other half was hell. I was always told my opinion was dumb, I should stop thinking and just do as I am told. That I'm worthless and won't amount to anything. Being told this for years it apparently has stuck with me to this day and I still have moments where I wonder if what they said is true. Am I really dumb? Am I wasting my time and money on school when it won't matter in the end cause I'm nothing? I want to prove those that said these things to me wrong but I still struggle to find the courage to keep going. Giving up seems easier and to just let me be what they think I am.
This blog got sad really fast and I feel bad for those who will read it but this is what I think and this is what I would of written in my journal as well. This is just me, no filter no fillers, just my thoughts laid out for others to see. I'm not always this happy go lucky Lily who is always there for a friend. I struggle too, I'm human. We are all on this long winding road called life, we are the decisions and turns we make. We can only hope we've made the right ones.
-L