haha...thats a good thought!
wow...i was just talking to my freind Katie online (she lives in colorado) but she has been fighting the same type of stuff i have (and she has been worriing the fuck out of me latly... :( ) but anyways...it occured to me taht yesterday was tuesday....and therefore 5 weeks!!! yay yay yay! the thing im excited about is that i wasnt desperatly counting the days...i am just in a good habit now. :)
my emotions are so weird. im really sad...but for no real reason. i guess maybe im thinking about the phone call with my parents earlier. daddy was...himself...but also not...urgh...i dont even fucking know anymore. and mommy was telling me about adam...damn, i donno what to do about him! hes been not helpful at all around the house and with paul, disrespects people...not doing very well in school, just...i donno...a long list. and it kills me when i hear hes not living up to his full potential. in a way, its almost selfish. i worked really hard so that while i did chores HE would do homework, and get smart, and get good grades. hes a really bright kid, he really is. he just doesnt know how to work hard. and i guess thats my own fault. and i probly babyed him too much also...i donno. theres alot of stuff i messed up with him i guess. and now i left him...and i probly put too much presure on him too, but he COULD DO SO MUCH BETTER!!! i wanted him to not be a messed up loney like me, i wanted him to be happy and successful, and not like me. yet maybe that wasnt fair to him. and yet...it still breaks my heart when he doesnt try in school. and when he gets in trouble, and disrespects my mother...and my cousin mary even said once...he seems to be getting more and more of my father's bad traits everyday. which scares the fuck out of me. not gonna lie. hes still a good person though. i just wish i knew what to do. i keep thinking of him as when we were little, and he would have a nightmare and come curl up in my blankets with me and i would stroke his hair till he fell asleep. in a way, i miss those days. while there was alot of shit and stuff...we were still...more than just siblings, we really did understand eachother at some point. now i dont understand most the things he does and says. i donno. somtimes i really wish there was some majical answer for things.
im going home for thanksgiving...which honestly im rather stressed about. i was kinda trying to block it from my mind, but was forced to think about it with my parents. dont get me wrong, i am excited to go back, i havent been there since august 11th, and my cousins are coming, and i will get to see my dog, and i really really wanna see my guardies, but i probly wont be able to, so im not gonna get my hopes up on that one, but yea. its just...i find it difficult to deal in a hotel, which is a neutral place, as opposed to home...its like a fucking dictatorship most the time. and its so dirty there. i guess i didnt have to think about that till i came here...and anyones idea of mess has no clue, so yea. its just like a dark hole that sycks you in somtimes...and i dont wanna be sucked in. i just wanna be happy. i guess i just have trouble picturing myself in that house as a content person. but anyways, i AM looking forward to it (As well as dreading it...its an odd combination :) ) and its only a few days. it just scares me to be so far away from here. like, this is home. its safe here. and people i know and love are close by, not hours away. its only a few days though. and anyways, my hs freind stephanie is gonna be home too, so maybe i can see her some :) that would be nice. VERY nice. yay!
wow...papers about half done. i was gonna have it done by tonight but i just lost motivatiopn...and its hard to write when your mind is fried i guess...so ill wake up early tommorow to finish it up, then i have to find somone to read it. i figure ill revise it more in my pointless ULLC class, then i should be good.:)
i lopve music!
i love freinds!!!
I LOVE YA'LL!!!
:)
hope you have a grrrrreat day!
and its my instructors b-day today...random fact...yay!
nightymorning!
my emotions are so weird. im really sad...but for no real reason. i guess maybe im thinking about the phone call with my parents earlier. daddy was...himself...but also not...urgh...i dont even fucking know anymore. and mommy was telling me about adam...damn, i donno what to do about him! hes been not helpful at all around the house and with paul, disrespects people...not doing very well in school, just...i donno...a long list. and it kills me when i hear hes not living up to his full potential. in a way, its almost selfish. i worked really hard so that while i did chores HE would do homework, and get smart, and get good grades. hes a really bright kid, he really is. he just doesnt know how to work hard. and i guess thats my own fault. and i probly babyed him too much also...i donno. theres alot of stuff i messed up with him i guess. and now i left him...and i probly put too much presure on him too, but he COULD DO SO MUCH BETTER!!! i wanted him to not be a messed up loney like me, i wanted him to be happy and successful, and not like me. yet maybe that wasnt fair to him. and yet...it still breaks my heart when he doesnt try in school. and when he gets in trouble, and disrespects my mother...and my cousin mary even said once...he seems to be getting more and more of my father's bad traits everyday. which scares the fuck out of me. not gonna lie. hes still a good person though. i just wish i knew what to do. i keep thinking of him as when we were little, and he would have a nightmare and come curl up in my blankets with me and i would stroke his hair till he fell asleep. in a way, i miss those days. while there was alot of shit and stuff...we were still...more than just siblings, we really did understand eachother at some point. now i dont understand most the things he does and says. i donno. somtimes i really wish there was some majical answer for things.
im going home for thanksgiving...which honestly im rather stressed about. i was kinda trying to block it from my mind, but was forced to think about it with my parents. dont get me wrong, i am excited to go back, i havent been there since august 11th, and my cousins are coming, and i will get to see my dog, and i really really wanna see my guardies, but i probly wont be able to, so im not gonna get my hopes up on that one, but yea. its just...i find it difficult to deal in a hotel, which is a neutral place, as opposed to home...its like a fucking dictatorship most the time. and its so dirty there. i guess i didnt have to think about that till i came here...and anyones idea of mess has no clue, so yea. its just like a dark hole that sycks you in somtimes...and i dont wanna be sucked in. i just wanna be happy. i guess i just have trouble picturing myself in that house as a content person. but anyways, i AM looking forward to it (As well as dreading it...its an odd combination :) ) and its only a few days. it just scares me to be so far away from here. like, this is home. its safe here. and people i know and love are close by, not hours away. its only a few days though. and anyways, my hs freind stephanie is gonna be home too, so maybe i can see her some :) that would be nice. VERY nice. yay!
wow...papers about half done. i was gonna have it done by tonight but i just lost motivatiopn...and its hard to write when your mind is fried i guess...so ill wake up early tommorow to finish it up, then i have to find somone to read it. i figure ill revise it more in my pointless ULLC class, then i should be good.:)
i lopve music!
i love freinds!!!
I LOVE YA'LL!!!
:)
hope you have a grrrrreat day!
and its my instructors b-day today...random fact...yay!
nightymorning!