Something Wicked This Way Hums, Part Three of Four
Title: Something Wicked This Way Hums
Summary: AU in which a teenaged Dean accidentally joins the McKinley High Glee Club. (What? It could happen to anyone.) Complications, and Rachel Berry, ensue. The way complications, and Rachel Berry, do.
Details: About 15,500 words in total, PG-13, no real spoilers for either show.
Pairing: Dean/Rachel
Warnings: Utter disregard for canon timelines, mild insanity, and show tunes.
Disclaimer: None of these lovely people are mine.
Notes: Thanks to mountain_born, my extraordinary beta, and varadia, who let me babble at her about this story for weeks.
Back to Part Two
It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I'm Okay, I Guess)
"Are you okay?" Tina asks, as they wait in the choir room for it to be time to take their places and start the Fall Invitational.
Dean nods, but doesn't say anything. He's afraid that if he opens his mouth, he's going to hurl.
"You sure?" she asks. "You don't l-l-look so good."
He nods again, and manages to say, "Just need to get some water." He gives her a tight-lipped smile that he hopes makes him look just fine, really, and heads for the water fountain in the hall.
This isn't happening. This can't be happening. He's Dean Winchester for Christ's sake. He has faced down ghosts and werewolves and a crazy woman who wanted him to be a cheerleader.
He cannot have stage fright.
But he does.
Dean clings to the water fountain and tries to breathe. Maybe he can just sneak out the side entrance or something.
And then Rachel turns up, and he braces himself for seventeen reminders about his footwork and six vocal warm-ups he needs to run through and all that crap.
Instead he gets a hug. "Don't worry," she tells him. "You're gonna be great."
And damn if she isn't right. Well, maybe he's not great, but he's fine. He remembers all the words, doesn't knock anybody over, and doesn't spew all over the stage. He'll call it a win. He's actually in a pretty good mood as they all spill out into the hall, trading high fives and compliments.
Until he runs into -
"Sammy? What the hell are you doing here?"
Dean had very deliberately not told Dad and Sam about this concert.
"Mr. Hummel invited us to come with him," Sam says. "He called Dad to come help with something this afternoon, because he was trying to get it done in time for the concert."
Perfect. Just . . . perfect.
"You didn't suck," Sam tells him. "And everyone else was good."
"Well, thanks."
"And I think your girlfriend's really pretty."
"Shut up."
Sam frowns. "Do you want me to think your girlfriend's ugly?"
"She's not my girlfriend, Sammy."
"Does she know that?" Sam asks. And then points at something, before Dean can answer. "Because it looks like she's going to talk to Dad."
Oh, crap.
Dean makes a beeline for Rachel, Sam trailing after him, but doesn't get to her before she reaches Dad. Instead, he arrives just as she puts her hand out and says, "You must be Mr. Winchester. I can certainly see where Dean gets his rugged if unpolished good looks."
Sam makes a noise like he's being choked.
Dean makes plans to see if he can join Witness Protection. Or the French Foreign Legion. Or the Space Program.
"You must be Rachel," Dad says, taking her hand. "Dean has mentioned you, though he didn't say just how talented you were. You have an amazing voice."
It is so weird to see Dad be all charming.
Rachel beams. "Thank you. And we're so glad to have Dean in the Glee Club. He's made great progress, and you should be really proud of him."
"Hi, Dad," Dean says, deciding he is gonna cut this off before it gets any stranger. And then turns to Rachel. "Sorry to interrupt, but there was some question about what to do with the costumes in the choir room?"
"Of course," she says. "It was really nice to meet you," she tells Dad.
"You, too, Rachel."
As she sets off for the choir room, Dad shakes his head a little. "So that's Rachel. You’re going to have a hard time keeping up with her, son."
"Tell me about it," Dean mutters.
"You kids were good," Dad says. "I'm glad Burt mentioned it."
"About that," Dean says. "I'm sorry, I just figured -"
"I know," Dad says.
Okay, so this is awkward.
And that's when Rachel screams.
We Ain't No Delinquents, We're Misunderstood
Dean reaches the choir room first, though who knows how many people are behind him.
Rachel is standing in the doorway, not moving, but also no longer screaming.
"Are you okay?" Dean asks, wishing he were armed. And not in a shirt decorated with lightning bolts. He looks into the room without waiting for Rachel to answer and well, damn.
Rachel points anyway, though there's no way Dean could have missed the prone figure of Dave Karofsky. "Is he dead?"
Other people are arriving now, and Mr. Schuester and Ms. Pillsbury push past them into the room. Dean can see Dad and other members of the Glee Club in the hall.
"He's alive," Mr. Schuester says, fingers against Karofsky's throat. "Somebody call 911."
"I've got it," Ms. Pillsbury says, stepping back into the hall.
As far as Dean can tell, Karofsky has been clocked with the music stand in the floor next to him. And as for what he was doing in the choir room in the first place, Dean is guessing that has something to do with the itching powder packet under his hand.
Mr. Schuester shepherds most of the students back to the auditorium, but Dean and Rachel have to wait for the police. Mr. Hummel offers to keep an eye on Sam so Dad can stay with Dean. Dean keeps his arm around Rachel the whole time. It doesn't mean anything. The girl is still freaking out, okay?
"So what happened here?" Officer Krupke asks, once Dave Karofsky has been taken off in an ambulance.
"I came back here after the concert, to oversee the return of the costumes, and I found him," Rachel says. "And I screamed, and then Dean came."
"And you didn't see his attacker?" Officer Krupke asks, looking up from his notes.
"We're wasting time here," Coach Sylvester says, and Dean's not even sure why she's there. "It's obvious that New Kid here did it."
"What?" Dean and Dad say, at the same time.
"They have a history of violent encounters. New Kid was recently suspended for breaking Mr. Karofsky's nose."
"Is that true?" Officer Krupke asks.
"No," Dean says. "Well, okay, I punched him in the nose. But it wasn't broken."
"Dean, let me handle this," Dad says.
"Anyway, I've been on stage for the last hour," Dean says. "How the hell would I have pulled this off?"
"Son, I said let me handle it," Dad says, and then turns to Officer Krupke. "He's been on stage for the last hour. How the hell would he have pulled this off?"
"Like anyone was paying any attention to anything on stage," Coach Sylvester says. "They could all have left and the only thing I would have noticed was that the vicious assault on my ears would have mercifully ended."
"I would have noticed," Rachel says. "And I assure you that Dean was on stage with the rest of us the whole time."
"But you have assaulted the victim previously?" the officer asks.
"I just punched him." That time. "And that was only because he threw a slushie on my girlfriend." Crap. Did he just say girlfriend? "Anyway, that's not the same thing as knocking him out with a music stand."
"Son, go wait in the hall."
"Dad, I -"
"Dean. Hall. Now," Dad says. "And take Rachel with you."
"Just a minute," Officer Krupke says. "I have more questions for - "
"No, you don't," Dad says. "Rachel found the victim and she screamed. My son came running because he heard his girlfriend scream. For the hour prior to that, they were both performing on stage with eleven other people, in full sight of a couple hundred witnesses. So the only way either of them was involved was if they were in two places at once."
"I would be willing to vouch that I saw them both on stage the whole time," Ms. Pillsbury says.
"Yeah, so would I," Mr. Schuester says.
Dad looks from Officer Krupke to Coach Sylvester. "So we're done here."
"Dean, Rachel, why don't you wait in the hall?" Mr. Schuester says. "Then if there are other legitimate questions the officer has for you, we'll know where to find you."
Mr. Schuester closes the door behind them. Dean looks at Rachel. Rachel looks at Dean. They both press their ears to the door.
It's more of the same, though. And while Dean can see why he'd make a good suspect were it not for the alibi thing . . . do people really think he could knock a guy unconscious and then walk away?
"Oh, this is ridiculous," Rachel says. "I know you. You wouldn't do something like that."
Is she reading his mind now? Not that he'd be completely surprised.
"Thanks."
And then they hear footsteps headed toward the door and both jump back, just before Coach Sylvester come charging into the hall. She stops, and looks at them. "Don't think any of this is over, New Kid. Your insult to my Cheerios will be redressed. I will be watching you. And your little Glee Club, too."
Caught In a Bad Romance (Though No Fault of His Own)
Puck is the only one to come right out and ask Dean how he did it, but based on the looks Dean's getting at school the next day, Puck isn't the only one wondering.
"Come on, man, you can tell me," Puck says. "How'd you get him?"
"I didn't," Dean says.
"You don't want to tell me, I guess you don't have to tell me," Puck says, retreating to the other side of the choir room.
"No, really," Dean calls after him. "And what the hell are you doing, Brittany?" he adds, because the girl has been staring at his feet all day long and it is starting to freak him out.
"Watching your toes," she tells him, without looking up.
"My toes? Why?"
"Coach Sylvester said she wanted to know if you put one out of line."
Great.
"Just ignore them," Mercedes says, as he turns away from Brittany. "We know you didn't do it."
Kurt, sitting next to her, nods. "We've got your back."
"Swell."
Just what he's always wanted. His own team of support dweebs.
Fortunately, Mr. Schuester calls rehearsal to order before anyone else can weigh in.
Unfortunately, rehearsal has to end sometime.
Rachel stays behind to talk to Mr. Schuester about the concert - rather than all the stuff that happened after it - and says she'll meet Dean at his locker.
The only problem with that plan is that it won't take Dean nearly as long to get his books as it will take Mr. Schuester to get away from Rachel.
Dean is wondering just how much time he's going to have to kill hanging out in the hallway, when Santana turns up.
"So," she says, without greeting or build up, "you busy?"
"Right now?" Dean asks. Because he's clearly not, but he doesn't quite want to say no.
"Or later," she says. "I thought we could do something."
He'll give her this. She packs a lot of suggestions into those last two words.
"Yeah?" he says. "Tell me something. You asking because you're actually interested in me, or because your coach told you to?"
"Can't it be both?"
"Sure, sweetheart. It can be anything you want." She smiles, and Dean knows he shouldn't, but he's going to enjoy this. He leans a little closer. "Anything you want," he says again, "except successful."
"What?"
"I have a girlfriend. Granted, I'm not sure how that happened, or even if I like that it happened, but it happened. So, thanks for the offer. I'm flattered, or whatever. But I ain't interested."
Santana laughs. "You're not really turning me down because of Rachel Berry," she says, like it's the funniest thing she's heard all day.
"Yeah, I am. I got news for you, Santana. You're hot, but you're not that hot."
Santana's eyes narrow, and then she leans up and kisses him.
Okay, so, he lets it go on for a second. He's sixteen, and she is, as previously stated, hot. And then his brain wrests control back from his hormones, and he pushes her away. "Are you out of your mind?"
Santana just looks down the hall and smiles. Dean turns just in time to see Rachel vanish around the corner.
It occurs to Dean, as he's running down the hall after Rachel, that if he weren't running down the hall after Rachel, he'd be out of this insane relationship.
But he'd also be a total dick.
"Rachel, wait," he says, when she comes into view.
"No," she says, still headed for the doors. "You obviously don't care at all about me, or us."
"If that was true," he says, catching up to her and taking her arm, "do you really think I'd be chasing you down the hallway right now?"
Rachel opens her mouth and then closes it again. Aha, Dean thinks. Gotcha.
"Then why," she says, after a moment, "were you kissing Santana?"
"She was kissing me," Dean says. Well, mostly. "Look, I think that crazy cheerleading coach wants her to spy on me or something. She asked me out, I told her no, she kissed me, probably to piss you off, and then I came to find you. Whole story."
Rachel sniffles.
"I promise," Dean says.
"Why?" she asks.
"Why what?" Dean asks. Seriously, do girls even know what they're talking about most of the time?
"Why did you tell her no? I mean, she's . . . "
"Come on, Rachel, really? You have to ask?"
"I don't know."
"You're my girlfriend, okay?"
Weird as that sounds.
At least he's learned to expect the half-strangling hug he gets in response.
"So, we good?" he asks.
Rachel nods. "I'm so sorry I doubted you."
Dean shrugs. "Don't worry about it. We'll just-"
He stops, as for the second time in twenty-four hours, someone in McKinley High screams.
Shining, Gleaming, Streaming, Flaxen, Waxen
"Wait here," Dean tells Rachel, but of course she follows him.
If you don't understand how acoustics work, it can be hard to figure out where an echoing scream is originating from, in a place like the halls of a high school.
Of course, if you do understand acoustics (and Dean does), you know exactly where you need to go.
"What the-" Dean says.
Santana stands in front of her open locker, staring into the mirror on the back of the door, clutching her head and still screaming.
Her now completely bald head.
Her hair, still in its regulation Cheerios ponytail, lies at her feet.
Like it just fell off.
"What's - oh, my God," Ms. Pillsbury says, arriving on the scene. She looks up at Santana's locker, and then over to Santana and down to the hair in the floor, and finally at Dean and Rachel. "What happened?"
It's hard enough to follow girl speak even when it's not hysterical, but as far as Dean can tell, yeah, it really did just fall off.
Which is weird. And not high school weird, but like . . . weird.
"Hey, did you notice anything out of the ordinary when it happened?" Dean asks Santana.
"You mean out of the ordinary like all my hair falling out?" she asks, with a Cheerios death glare.
"No, besides that," Dean says. "Did it, I don't know, get really cold all of a sudden?"
"Why would that--?"
"Allergic reaction," Dean says.
"No," Santana snaps.
"Maybe it was stress," Rachel suggests. "That can make your hair fall out, right?"
"Not like this," Santana says.
"Did you hear anything? See anybody?" Dean asks.
"I don't know. There was some girl, maybe. I just saw her out of the corner of my eye. Why does this matter?"
"I think maybe we should go back to my office," Ms. Pillsbury says. And then looks down at Santana's hair. "Um, and we should probably take that with us."
When no one else makes any move toward it, Dean sighs and says, "I got it." He picks up Santana's ponytail and follows them to Ms. Pillsbury's office, where they run into -
"Dad?" Dean says, just as Ms. Pillsbury says, "John."
Dad glances at the group in front of him, and if there's a short double take in reaction to the sight of a semi-hysterical, bald cheerleader, that's all the reaction there is. Then again, this probably doesn't even rank in the top twenty for weird things, for Dad.
"Son," Dad says, like it's perfectly normal for him to be hanging around Dean's school after classes let out. "Emma," he adds, turning to Ms. Pillsbury. "I was starting to wonder if I had the wrong day."
Correction. Like it's perfectly normal for him to be hanging around Dean's school and on a first name basis with Dean's guidance counselor.
"No," Ms. Pillsbury says. "No, you don't. We're just having a little crisis-"
"Little?" Santana demands.
"-if you could just give me a few minutes?" Ms. Pillsbury says, ushering the girls into her office.
Dean stays in the hall, though, staring at his father. "So, what, is this like a parent conference with Ms. Pillsbury?"
Dad clears his throat. "Not exactly. We're just going to grab a cup of coffee or something."
That, however, makes the top twenty for Dad and weird. It makes top three.
"You have a date with Ms. Pillsbury? My guidance counselor?"
"Date is not exactly the word . . . she was really helpful last night, Dean, with all the stuff after your concert. I just wanted to thank her. I asked her out for coffee. That's all."
"So," Dean says. "You have a date. With Ms. Pillsbury. My guidance counselor."
"Yeah, I guess I do." Dad looks almost sheepish. This just keeps getting weirder. Dad doesn't do sheepish.
"Look, Dad, she's like, afraid of dirt." He's talking too fast, and he's pretty sure he's babbling, but he doesn't stop. "Seriously, she has this five-gallon jug of hand sanitizer on her desk, and you should have seen her when she ran into a cockroach. It was like, you know, if a normal person ran into a zombie or something. And you work on cars and dig up gra-gardens," Dean amends, as they're in public. "Those are messy activities."
"Well, I'm clean now, and it's just a cup of coffee, so we should be okay," Dad says. "But, Dean, if this is going to upset you-"
"No, it's fine," Dean says. "It's cool. Whatever. I just have some stuff I need to take care of. You two have fun with the coffee. I guess."
He's twenty feet down the hall before he realizes he's still holding Santana's hair.
He turns around, walks back to Dad, and hands the ponytail over. "Give that to Ms. Pillsbury for me, would you?"
Just Very Slightly Mad
Dean has just about decided that there's something about Lima, Ohio that makes people go insane.
Look at the evidence.
1. Dad has a date. And not even a cool date, but a lameass romantic comedy coffee date. With Dean's guidance counselor.
2. Dean has a girlfriend. A high strung, high maintenance girlfriend. Despite never actually setting out to get her.
3. People run around throwing slushies at each other, and no one seems to think there's anything weird about that.
4. The extracurricular activities are mandatory.
5. Coach Sylvester. Does he even need to explain that one?
6. Did he mention the part where Dad has a date? With Ms. Pillsbury?
Dean makes a mental note to stop drinking the tap water, and possibly to send a sample of it to Bobby for analysis.
The problem is, there's nothing to explain how Santana's hair fell out, unless everyone is crazy because of a mass possession or something, in which case, Dean is screwed.
Dean picks the lock on Santana's locker in a couple of seconds. Some locks are challenges. The one on the average high school locker is not.
Of course, he's not really sure what he's hoping to find. If it’s a mass possession, there could be sulfur, but Dean can't say he's hoping for that outcome.
And it's not like he's going to find a book called How to Make Your Neighbors Go Crazy for Fun and Profit.
At least, not probably.
A razor, maybe. Santana could have gone all Britney Spears and done it herself, then freaked out when she realized. Except her hair had definitely been attached when he'd last seen her, and Dean doubts even a Parris Island barber could shave a head that fast.
Dean rummages through Santana's locker, but doesn't find anything much of interest. Some books, a Cheerios binder, a hair brush (won't be needing that any time soon), $2.82 in change, eye shadow, lip gloss, and a nail file.
No razor. No sulfur.
Nothing that it doesn't make total sense for a teenaged girl to have in her locker.
Dean's about to close the locker door when he sees it, wedged up in the top and back in the corner. A small white drawstring bag, which he is not at all surprised to find is full of dried plant bits.
He finds two more in the choir room - one taped to the underside of the piano and one stashed behind some music books. And another in Mr. Schuester's desk in the Spanish classroom.
There's one in Dean's locker, too. And one in Rachel's. And Artie's. He's willing to bet there's one in the locker of every member of the Glee Club.
Hex bags.
Which means a witch.
He might have liked it better when he thought the whole town was just crazy.
On to Part Four
Songs Referenced in Part Three:
"It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" by R.E.M.
"Gee, Officer Krupke" from West Side Story
"Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga
"Hair" from Hair
"I'm Going Slightly Mad" by Queen
Summary: AU in which a teenaged Dean accidentally joins the McKinley High Glee Club. (What? It could happen to anyone.) Complications, and Rachel Berry, ensue. The way complications, and Rachel Berry, do.
Details: About 15,500 words in total, PG-13, no real spoilers for either show.
Pairing: Dean/Rachel
Warnings: Utter disregard for canon timelines, mild insanity, and show tunes.
Disclaimer: None of these lovely people are mine.
Notes: Thanks to mountain_born, my extraordinary beta, and varadia, who let me babble at her about this story for weeks.
Back to Part Two
It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I'm Okay, I Guess)
"Are you okay?" Tina asks, as they wait in the choir room for it to be time to take their places and start the Fall Invitational.
Dean nods, but doesn't say anything. He's afraid that if he opens his mouth, he's going to hurl.
"You sure?" she asks. "You don't l-l-look so good."
He nods again, and manages to say, "Just need to get some water." He gives her a tight-lipped smile that he hopes makes him look just fine, really, and heads for the water fountain in the hall.
This isn't happening. This can't be happening. He's Dean Winchester for Christ's sake. He has faced down ghosts and werewolves and a crazy woman who wanted him to be a cheerleader.
He cannot have stage fright.
But he does.
Dean clings to the water fountain and tries to breathe. Maybe he can just sneak out the side entrance or something.
And then Rachel turns up, and he braces himself for seventeen reminders about his footwork and six vocal warm-ups he needs to run through and all that crap.
Instead he gets a hug. "Don't worry," she tells him. "You're gonna be great."
And damn if she isn't right. Well, maybe he's not great, but he's fine. He remembers all the words, doesn't knock anybody over, and doesn't spew all over the stage. He'll call it a win. He's actually in a pretty good mood as they all spill out into the hall, trading high fives and compliments.
Until he runs into -
"Sammy? What the hell are you doing here?"
Dean had very deliberately not told Dad and Sam about this concert.
"Mr. Hummel invited us to come with him," Sam says. "He called Dad to come help with something this afternoon, because he was trying to get it done in time for the concert."
Perfect. Just . . . perfect.
"You didn't suck," Sam tells him. "And everyone else was good."
"Well, thanks."
"And I think your girlfriend's really pretty."
"Shut up."
Sam frowns. "Do you want me to think your girlfriend's ugly?"
"She's not my girlfriend, Sammy."
"Does she know that?" Sam asks. And then points at something, before Dean can answer. "Because it looks like she's going to talk to Dad."
Oh, crap.
Dean makes a beeline for Rachel, Sam trailing after him, but doesn't get to her before she reaches Dad. Instead, he arrives just as she puts her hand out and says, "You must be Mr. Winchester. I can certainly see where Dean gets his rugged if unpolished good looks."
Sam makes a noise like he's being choked.
Dean makes plans to see if he can join Witness Protection. Or the French Foreign Legion. Or the Space Program.
"You must be Rachel," Dad says, taking her hand. "Dean has mentioned you, though he didn't say just how talented you were. You have an amazing voice."
It is so weird to see Dad be all charming.
Rachel beams. "Thank you. And we're so glad to have Dean in the Glee Club. He's made great progress, and you should be really proud of him."
"Hi, Dad," Dean says, deciding he is gonna cut this off before it gets any stranger. And then turns to Rachel. "Sorry to interrupt, but there was some question about what to do with the costumes in the choir room?"
"Of course," she says. "It was really nice to meet you," she tells Dad.
"You, too, Rachel."
As she sets off for the choir room, Dad shakes his head a little. "So that's Rachel. You’re going to have a hard time keeping up with her, son."
"Tell me about it," Dean mutters.
"You kids were good," Dad says. "I'm glad Burt mentioned it."
"About that," Dean says. "I'm sorry, I just figured -"
"I know," Dad says.
Okay, so this is awkward.
And that's when Rachel screams.
We Ain't No Delinquents, We're Misunderstood
Dean reaches the choir room first, though who knows how many people are behind him.
Rachel is standing in the doorway, not moving, but also no longer screaming.
"Are you okay?" Dean asks, wishing he were armed. And not in a shirt decorated with lightning bolts. He looks into the room without waiting for Rachel to answer and well, damn.
Rachel points anyway, though there's no way Dean could have missed the prone figure of Dave Karofsky. "Is he dead?"
Other people are arriving now, and Mr. Schuester and Ms. Pillsbury push past them into the room. Dean can see Dad and other members of the Glee Club in the hall.
"He's alive," Mr. Schuester says, fingers against Karofsky's throat. "Somebody call 911."
"I've got it," Ms. Pillsbury says, stepping back into the hall.
As far as Dean can tell, Karofsky has been clocked with the music stand in the floor next to him. And as for what he was doing in the choir room in the first place, Dean is guessing that has something to do with the itching powder packet under his hand.
Mr. Schuester shepherds most of the students back to the auditorium, but Dean and Rachel have to wait for the police. Mr. Hummel offers to keep an eye on Sam so Dad can stay with Dean. Dean keeps his arm around Rachel the whole time. It doesn't mean anything. The girl is still freaking out, okay?
"So what happened here?" Officer Krupke asks, once Dave Karofsky has been taken off in an ambulance.
"I came back here after the concert, to oversee the return of the costumes, and I found him," Rachel says. "And I screamed, and then Dean came."
"And you didn't see his attacker?" Officer Krupke asks, looking up from his notes.
"We're wasting time here," Coach Sylvester says, and Dean's not even sure why she's there. "It's obvious that New Kid here did it."
"What?" Dean and Dad say, at the same time.
"They have a history of violent encounters. New Kid was recently suspended for breaking Mr. Karofsky's nose."
"Is that true?" Officer Krupke asks.
"No," Dean says. "Well, okay, I punched him in the nose. But it wasn't broken."
"Dean, let me handle this," Dad says.
"Anyway, I've been on stage for the last hour," Dean says. "How the hell would I have pulled this off?"
"Son, I said let me handle it," Dad says, and then turns to Officer Krupke. "He's been on stage for the last hour. How the hell would he have pulled this off?"
"Like anyone was paying any attention to anything on stage," Coach Sylvester says. "They could all have left and the only thing I would have noticed was that the vicious assault on my ears would have mercifully ended."
"I would have noticed," Rachel says. "And I assure you that Dean was on stage with the rest of us the whole time."
"But you have assaulted the victim previously?" the officer asks.
"I just punched him." That time. "And that was only because he threw a slushie on my girlfriend." Crap. Did he just say girlfriend? "Anyway, that's not the same thing as knocking him out with a music stand."
"Son, go wait in the hall."
"Dad, I -"
"Dean. Hall. Now," Dad says. "And take Rachel with you."
"Just a minute," Officer Krupke says. "I have more questions for - "
"No, you don't," Dad says. "Rachel found the victim and she screamed. My son came running because he heard his girlfriend scream. For the hour prior to that, they were both performing on stage with eleven other people, in full sight of a couple hundred witnesses. So the only way either of them was involved was if they were in two places at once."
"I would be willing to vouch that I saw them both on stage the whole time," Ms. Pillsbury says.
"Yeah, so would I," Mr. Schuester says.
Dad looks from Officer Krupke to Coach Sylvester. "So we're done here."
"Dean, Rachel, why don't you wait in the hall?" Mr. Schuester says. "Then if there are other legitimate questions the officer has for you, we'll know where to find you."
Mr. Schuester closes the door behind them. Dean looks at Rachel. Rachel looks at Dean. They both press their ears to the door.
It's more of the same, though. And while Dean can see why he'd make a good suspect were it not for the alibi thing . . . do people really think he could knock a guy unconscious and then walk away?
"Oh, this is ridiculous," Rachel says. "I know you. You wouldn't do something like that."
Is she reading his mind now? Not that he'd be completely surprised.
"Thanks."
And then they hear footsteps headed toward the door and both jump back, just before Coach Sylvester come charging into the hall. She stops, and looks at them. "Don't think any of this is over, New Kid. Your insult to my Cheerios will be redressed. I will be watching you. And your little Glee Club, too."
Caught In a Bad Romance (Though No Fault of His Own)
Puck is the only one to come right out and ask Dean how he did it, but based on the looks Dean's getting at school the next day, Puck isn't the only one wondering.
"Come on, man, you can tell me," Puck says. "How'd you get him?"
"I didn't," Dean says.
"You don't want to tell me, I guess you don't have to tell me," Puck says, retreating to the other side of the choir room.
"No, really," Dean calls after him. "And what the hell are you doing, Brittany?" he adds, because the girl has been staring at his feet all day long and it is starting to freak him out.
"Watching your toes," she tells him, without looking up.
"My toes? Why?"
"Coach Sylvester said she wanted to know if you put one out of line."
Great.
"Just ignore them," Mercedes says, as he turns away from Brittany. "We know you didn't do it."
Kurt, sitting next to her, nods. "We've got your back."
"Swell."
Just what he's always wanted. His own team of support dweebs.
Fortunately, Mr. Schuester calls rehearsal to order before anyone else can weigh in.
Unfortunately, rehearsal has to end sometime.
Rachel stays behind to talk to Mr. Schuester about the concert - rather than all the stuff that happened after it - and says she'll meet Dean at his locker.
The only problem with that plan is that it won't take Dean nearly as long to get his books as it will take Mr. Schuester to get away from Rachel.
Dean is wondering just how much time he's going to have to kill hanging out in the hallway, when Santana turns up.
"So," she says, without greeting or build up, "you busy?"
"Right now?" Dean asks. Because he's clearly not, but he doesn't quite want to say no.
"Or later," she says. "I thought we could do something."
He'll give her this. She packs a lot of suggestions into those last two words.
"Yeah?" he says. "Tell me something. You asking because you're actually interested in me, or because your coach told you to?"
"Can't it be both?"
"Sure, sweetheart. It can be anything you want." She smiles, and Dean knows he shouldn't, but he's going to enjoy this. He leans a little closer. "Anything you want," he says again, "except successful."
"What?"
"I have a girlfriend. Granted, I'm not sure how that happened, or even if I like that it happened, but it happened. So, thanks for the offer. I'm flattered, or whatever. But I ain't interested."
Santana laughs. "You're not really turning me down because of Rachel Berry," she says, like it's the funniest thing she's heard all day.
"Yeah, I am. I got news for you, Santana. You're hot, but you're not that hot."
Santana's eyes narrow, and then she leans up and kisses him.
Okay, so, he lets it go on for a second. He's sixteen, and she is, as previously stated, hot. And then his brain wrests control back from his hormones, and he pushes her away. "Are you out of your mind?"
Santana just looks down the hall and smiles. Dean turns just in time to see Rachel vanish around the corner.
It occurs to Dean, as he's running down the hall after Rachel, that if he weren't running down the hall after Rachel, he'd be out of this insane relationship.
But he'd also be a total dick.
"Rachel, wait," he says, when she comes into view.
"No," she says, still headed for the doors. "You obviously don't care at all about me, or us."
"If that was true," he says, catching up to her and taking her arm, "do you really think I'd be chasing you down the hallway right now?"
Rachel opens her mouth and then closes it again. Aha, Dean thinks. Gotcha.
"Then why," she says, after a moment, "were you kissing Santana?"
"She was kissing me," Dean says. Well, mostly. "Look, I think that crazy cheerleading coach wants her to spy on me or something. She asked me out, I told her no, she kissed me, probably to piss you off, and then I came to find you. Whole story."
Rachel sniffles.
"I promise," Dean says.
"Why?" she asks.
"Why what?" Dean asks. Seriously, do girls even know what they're talking about most of the time?
"Why did you tell her no? I mean, she's . . . "
"Come on, Rachel, really? You have to ask?"
"I don't know."
"You're my girlfriend, okay?"
Weird as that sounds.
At least he's learned to expect the half-strangling hug he gets in response.
"So, we good?" he asks.
Rachel nods. "I'm so sorry I doubted you."
Dean shrugs. "Don't worry about it. We'll just-"
He stops, as for the second time in twenty-four hours, someone in McKinley High screams.
Shining, Gleaming, Streaming, Flaxen, Waxen
"Wait here," Dean tells Rachel, but of course she follows him.
If you don't understand how acoustics work, it can be hard to figure out where an echoing scream is originating from, in a place like the halls of a high school.
Of course, if you do understand acoustics (and Dean does), you know exactly where you need to go.
"What the-" Dean says.
Santana stands in front of her open locker, staring into the mirror on the back of the door, clutching her head and still screaming.
Her now completely bald head.
Her hair, still in its regulation Cheerios ponytail, lies at her feet.
Like it just fell off.
"What's - oh, my God," Ms. Pillsbury says, arriving on the scene. She looks up at Santana's locker, and then over to Santana and down to the hair in the floor, and finally at Dean and Rachel. "What happened?"
It's hard enough to follow girl speak even when it's not hysterical, but as far as Dean can tell, yeah, it really did just fall off.
Which is weird. And not high school weird, but like . . . weird.
"Hey, did you notice anything out of the ordinary when it happened?" Dean asks Santana.
"You mean out of the ordinary like all my hair falling out?" she asks, with a Cheerios death glare.
"No, besides that," Dean says. "Did it, I don't know, get really cold all of a sudden?"
"Why would that--?"
"Allergic reaction," Dean says.
"No," Santana snaps.
"Maybe it was stress," Rachel suggests. "That can make your hair fall out, right?"
"Not like this," Santana says.
"Did you hear anything? See anybody?" Dean asks.
"I don't know. There was some girl, maybe. I just saw her out of the corner of my eye. Why does this matter?"
"I think maybe we should go back to my office," Ms. Pillsbury says. And then looks down at Santana's hair. "Um, and we should probably take that with us."
When no one else makes any move toward it, Dean sighs and says, "I got it." He picks up Santana's ponytail and follows them to Ms. Pillsbury's office, where they run into -
"Dad?" Dean says, just as Ms. Pillsbury says, "John."
Dad glances at the group in front of him, and if there's a short double take in reaction to the sight of a semi-hysterical, bald cheerleader, that's all the reaction there is. Then again, this probably doesn't even rank in the top twenty for weird things, for Dad.
"Son," Dad says, like it's perfectly normal for him to be hanging around Dean's school after classes let out. "Emma," he adds, turning to Ms. Pillsbury. "I was starting to wonder if I had the wrong day."
Correction. Like it's perfectly normal for him to be hanging around Dean's school and on a first name basis with Dean's guidance counselor.
"No," Ms. Pillsbury says. "No, you don't. We're just having a little crisis-"
"Little?" Santana demands.
"-if you could just give me a few minutes?" Ms. Pillsbury says, ushering the girls into her office.
Dean stays in the hall, though, staring at his father. "So, what, is this like a parent conference with Ms. Pillsbury?"
Dad clears his throat. "Not exactly. We're just going to grab a cup of coffee or something."
That, however, makes the top twenty for Dad and weird. It makes top three.
"You have a date with Ms. Pillsbury? My guidance counselor?"
"Date is not exactly the word . . . she was really helpful last night, Dean, with all the stuff after your concert. I just wanted to thank her. I asked her out for coffee. That's all."
"So," Dean says. "You have a date. With Ms. Pillsbury. My guidance counselor."
"Yeah, I guess I do." Dad looks almost sheepish. This just keeps getting weirder. Dad doesn't do sheepish.
"Look, Dad, she's like, afraid of dirt." He's talking too fast, and he's pretty sure he's babbling, but he doesn't stop. "Seriously, she has this five-gallon jug of hand sanitizer on her desk, and you should have seen her when she ran into a cockroach. It was like, you know, if a normal person ran into a zombie or something. And you work on cars and dig up gra-gardens," Dean amends, as they're in public. "Those are messy activities."
"Well, I'm clean now, and it's just a cup of coffee, so we should be okay," Dad says. "But, Dean, if this is going to upset you-"
"No, it's fine," Dean says. "It's cool. Whatever. I just have some stuff I need to take care of. You two have fun with the coffee. I guess."
He's twenty feet down the hall before he realizes he's still holding Santana's hair.
He turns around, walks back to Dad, and hands the ponytail over. "Give that to Ms. Pillsbury for me, would you?"
Just Very Slightly Mad
Dean has just about decided that there's something about Lima, Ohio that makes people go insane.
Look at the evidence.
1. Dad has a date. And not even a cool date, but a lameass romantic comedy coffee date. With Dean's guidance counselor.
2. Dean has a girlfriend. A high strung, high maintenance girlfriend. Despite never actually setting out to get her.
3. People run around throwing slushies at each other, and no one seems to think there's anything weird about that.
4. The extracurricular activities are mandatory.
5. Coach Sylvester. Does he even need to explain that one?
6. Did he mention the part where Dad has a date? With Ms. Pillsbury?
Dean makes a mental note to stop drinking the tap water, and possibly to send a sample of it to Bobby for analysis.
The problem is, there's nothing to explain how Santana's hair fell out, unless everyone is crazy because of a mass possession or something, in which case, Dean is screwed.
Dean picks the lock on Santana's locker in a couple of seconds. Some locks are challenges. The one on the average high school locker is not.
Of course, he's not really sure what he's hoping to find. If it’s a mass possession, there could be sulfur, but Dean can't say he's hoping for that outcome.
And it's not like he's going to find a book called How to Make Your Neighbors Go Crazy for Fun and Profit.
At least, not probably.
A razor, maybe. Santana could have gone all Britney Spears and done it herself, then freaked out when she realized. Except her hair had definitely been attached when he'd last seen her, and Dean doubts even a Parris Island barber could shave a head that fast.
Dean rummages through Santana's locker, but doesn't find anything much of interest. Some books, a Cheerios binder, a hair brush (won't be needing that any time soon), $2.82 in change, eye shadow, lip gloss, and a nail file.
No razor. No sulfur.
Nothing that it doesn't make total sense for a teenaged girl to have in her locker.
Dean's about to close the locker door when he sees it, wedged up in the top and back in the corner. A small white drawstring bag, which he is not at all surprised to find is full of dried plant bits.
He finds two more in the choir room - one taped to the underside of the piano and one stashed behind some music books. And another in Mr. Schuester's desk in the Spanish classroom.
There's one in Dean's locker, too. And one in Rachel's. And Artie's. He's willing to bet there's one in the locker of every member of the Glee Club.
Hex bags.
Which means a witch.
He might have liked it better when he thought the whole town was just crazy.
On to Part Four
Songs Referenced in Part Three:
"It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" by R.E.M.
"Gee, Officer Krupke" from West Side Story
"Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga
"Hair" from Hair
"I'm Going Slightly Mad" by Queen