Departures
After Banana left, it suddenly got so quiet and the loneliness crept in.
It's like this gaping hole and I'm slowly sinking in myself, unsure of what to do, unsure whether there is any exit at the end of the tunnel or will there be anything out of this.
Restrained and held back my tears at the airport, partly because I didn't want to send her off red eyed and sobbing, and mostly because once I start I couldn't stop. Like how I was in the shower just now.
Just......I don't know. When I was still in J1 and in our random conversations there was mention of her leaving, a small part of me kept selfishly wanting to guilt trip her and make her stay. But what to do, you just can't change some things. And these decisions aren't only solely affected by one factor, it's a myriad of factors and of course I have to respect one's decisions.
And so she left.
It then struck me how deep of a friendship we have, considering the short span of time we spent together in my 1.5+ years in JC. Even though I was consumed with juggling seemingly ceaseless choir practices/competitons/concerts, PW (in J1 it was a horror) and trying to study and get used to failing, she was always there for me. I mean, they were always there. It's just so sudden and abrupt that we're all growing up and having to make our own decisions and carve our own paths with our own two hands.
Growing up is a pain in the ass huh. One after the other, I got through PSLE, O levels, A levels, and after graduating from uni it's a lifetime of work. What the hell man. Sometimes I wonder what we're living for.
....but it's these moments that I treasure all the more the small breaks we slacked together, chatted randomly and took long, slow bus rides home, chionged homework together, get scared of teachers together, motivate each other, until we're no longer JC students and have to bear with that fact that we have to leave.
Being the worry wart and over analyst (?) I am, I can't help but worry how long these short friendships will last; how long can we keep in touch with each other and understand each other....how long..........the list goes on.
These times we've shared together, all of us have really matured and moved on, in one way or another. It's devastating how we have to accept that we're growing up and no longer wearing uniforms, no longer bound physically by any rules etc. Breaking out of junior college, suddenly struck me that we're all the more responsible for our own actions and stuff, and we cannot be naive nor waver so much anymore. I just.....I don't know.
Departures. Why do they always bring a sense of depression and sadness. I don't know. But if I weren't this sad maybe it wouldn't hold true how deep this friendship is.
I just whole-heartedly wish her all the best for her studies, and for all of us to stay in touch even if we're a thousand miles apart.
Still have more to say but as usual I'm just rambling and typing as I go along this post.
Don't know if this gaping hole will ever be filled, or will the hole sink even deeper, but for now, I'll take it as it goes and pray, sincerely pray that everything will work out in the end. It's so hard to keep in contact within singapore already, let alone between countries. Sometimes I feel like I've really taken for granted the ease of travel and accessibility in Singapore. It's this smallness that makes me feel all the more closer to my friends whom I really treasure.
Till the day we can all gather again.