may 16, 2005
i am writing to you today to express my feelings about our past father/daughter relationship and our going-forward relationship.
as you know, our past relationship has not been very good since about the eighth grade. my feelings at that time were very mixed. i was confused by the strong feelings you were having (and often unable to express) and frustrated that i could not understand them or do anything to help you. i was very angry from the frustration, not at you, but from the fact that i could not say or do anything to help you. one of the most difficult things a parent can experience is to have a child suffer pain and anguish and not be able to do anything.
i was not in touch with my feelings and could not express them. i was so numb to my feelings and those of others that i could not even list five feelings words when asked. i was sad that you felt so badly about yourself and about mom and i. when mom asked me to go to a counselor, i said no. i was afraid to go to a counselor because of what it would say about me as a husband and father, not about mom and you. i felt shame about the way i was not communicating to you and that i did not have the energy to face my real feelings.
although i love you very much, i was not able to express to you my love. looking back on that time, i would like to have done things very differently, but i also realize that i was not equipped to express myself and my feelings for you. for this i am greatly sorry, and i would like a second chance.
i am regretful and saddened by the lost opportunity to become closer with you these last several years. going forward, i would like to begin anew. i know that this may be difficult for both of us, given the way that we have related to each other for the last nine years. i do not have a fear of expressing my feelings to others anymore. this is a big change for me. you probably have not seen much change from me yet because we have not been able to talk freely about our feelings. i would like to begin that process now by telling you that there is nothing that you can say or do that will hurt my feelings or make me feel less proud of you.
love,
dad