BEDA 9: Am I Crazy?
Conversation had today -
Me: I'm changing my reason for leaving to 'Nate is a douchebag'
Lighting Designer: What was your original reason?
Me: (pause) I don't want to talk about it.
LD: So...you're going back to Michigan forever?
Me: Well, Michigan for the summer and then...somewhere else. I don't know yet.
There was more to this conversation and it started in a much more humorous way than I can describe here. There is a lot of background information missing, but the jist of it is that I made up my mind a long time ago about not returning to the theatre where I am currently working for next season. My friend and co-worker Nate knows the reasons and so we joke about it on occasion. I didn't start to say it outloud to other people in the theatre until recently.
From what I can gather, people on 'the outside' tend to think that I'm crazy when I tell them that I'm leaving. This is a reputible, Tony award winning, historic regional theatre. I get heath insurance, paid vacation time, sick time... I only work 40 hours a week (except for the ocassional 50 hour ones during tech). I get paid enough to work comfortably and little bit more.
When I lay it all out like that, sometimes even I think that I'm crazy to not come back. It's a good gig. Why pass that up? Like everyone's saying 'in these economic times, you take what you can get' right?
But where do you draw the line? How long do you let the economy hold you hostage?
I mean, my reasons for leaving here are in fact personal. Not personal in the 'I want to go home' kind of way. Rather, personal in the 'I can't deal with certain things anymore' kind of way. To stop beating around the bush a little bit - I feel like I have to be a different person at work so that I fit in with the people that I have to work with. I don't like that I cannot hold a conversation with my boss (for more reasons than one). In the theatre, the people that you work with are supposed to, should, and will be your family in a place like this. You work together, eat together, play together. It's just the way it is.
I can't deal with my immediate relatives - OK, let's be honest - One relative in particular...but a very important one. One that you should trust and respect. I cannot make myself do this.
This is a problem for me, on a fairly deep personal level.
So I'm getting out. Because with a theatre family, you have that choice.
My brain has been freaking out about this whole situation for quite a while now. Honestly...I'm terrified of the possibility that I could end up back in my parent's house in the fall. This should not happen, but it could. I think that I'm a better person than that. I know what I want to do and am trying to go after it.
I'm sending out my cover letter/resume.
I'm keeping my options open.
I'm trying to have a backup plan.
I'm inwardly freaking out and wondering if I am a complete fool for leaving such a good situation for .... I don't know.
I'm sorry that this post does not describe everything that I'm currently dealing with in this circumstance very well. It's difficult for me to put it all into words. I just started thinking about the previously mentioned conversation again and all worry and concern suddenly came flying back.
I knew when I picked this career that there would be uncertainty.
But right now...I just want to know where I'll be going in September.
Argh. Life.
Me: I'm changing my reason for leaving to 'Nate is a douchebag'
Lighting Designer: What was your original reason?
Me: (pause) I don't want to talk about it.
LD: So...you're going back to Michigan forever?
Me: Well, Michigan for the summer and then...somewhere else. I don't know yet.
There was more to this conversation and it started in a much more humorous way than I can describe here. There is a lot of background information missing, but the jist of it is that I made up my mind a long time ago about not returning to the theatre where I am currently working for next season. My friend and co-worker Nate knows the reasons and so we joke about it on occasion. I didn't start to say it outloud to other people in the theatre until recently.
From what I can gather, people on 'the outside' tend to think that I'm crazy when I tell them that I'm leaving. This is a reputible, Tony award winning, historic regional theatre. I get heath insurance, paid vacation time, sick time... I only work 40 hours a week (except for the ocassional 50 hour ones during tech). I get paid enough to work comfortably and little bit more.
When I lay it all out like that, sometimes even I think that I'm crazy to not come back. It's a good gig. Why pass that up? Like everyone's saying 'in these economic times, you take what you can get' right?
But where do you draw the line? How long do you let the economy hold you hostage?
I mean, my reasons for leaving here are in fact personal. Not personal in the 'I want to go home' kind of way. Rather, personal in the 'I can't deal with certain things anymore' kind of way. To stop beating around the bush a little bit - I feel like I have to be a different person at work so that I fit in with the people that I have to work with. I don't like that I cannot hold a conversation with my boss (for more reasons than one). In the theatre, the people that you work with are supposed to, should, and will be your family in a place like this. You work together, eat together, play together. It's just the way it is.
I can't deal with my immediate relatives - OK, let's be honest - One relative in particular...but a very important one. One that you should trust and respect. I cannot make myself do this.
This is a problem for me, on a fairly deep personal level.
So I'm getting out. Because with a theatre family, you have that choice.
My brain has been freaking out about this whole situation for quite a while now. Honestly...I'm terrified of the possibility that I could end up back in my parent's house in the fall. This should not happen, but it could. I think that I'm a better person than that. I know what I want to do and am trying to go after it.
I'm sending out my cover letter/resume.
I'm keeping my options open.
I'm trying to have a backup plan.
I'm inwardly freaking out and wondering if I am a complete fool for leaving such a good situation for .... I don't know.
I'm sorry that this post does not describe everything that I'm currently dealing with in this circumstance very well. It's difficult for me to put it all into words. I just started thinking about the previously mentioned conversation again and all worry and concern suddenly came flying back.
I knew when I picked this career that there would be uncertainty.
But right now...I just want to know where I'll be going in September.
Argh. Life.