well well well...
i was almost afraid to come to va this time. i knew that we'd be goin to this conference at church, and even tho i hadn't personally heard of the guy speakin, i knew that no matter what, i would be challenged, just bc i have been doin so poorly lately.
i didn't want to be challenged, bc part of me was perfectly fine sittin over there. however, i knew that if i went to this conference, and closed my heart to the teachings, i might never be able to recover spiritually. so i prayed, and i opened my eyes and ears, and my heart, and i went. sure enough, i have been so convicted. i really already knew a lot of what i would see needed changing in me, bc i knew i was wrong. but it was so hard to admit that bc, even tho i wasn't having a field day, i was so superficially happy, and almost addicted to the way i felt. i couldn't really explain it at the time. (after today's message, i can. but i won't bc it's long. either way, i know now.)
part of me is still unwilling to let go. i don't really know how i'm gonna get it all worked out, bc part of me is still holding on. the prideful part of me doesn't want to let go just bc it would be admitting that i was wrong to let myself fall so far (or at all), and i would be admitting that i need the help of these people around me, something i'm not good at admitting. but, again, i know that if i don't act now, i never will, and i will be amazed to find out where i am when i look up again in 5 years.
it hurts so much to know that i will have to say goodbye to someone, that i will have to back our relationship up. i feel like how can something so wrong feel so good? it feels so wonderful that i don't want to make that
sacrifice. then, of course, i hear somethin about the martyrs who have sacrificed their lives for Christ, and i ask myself how selfish i can get.
please do not get the wrong impression. altho i am unhappy about having to give up this part of my life, i know that if i don't, it will only lead to destruction. also, knowing how much God loves me, and how perfect He is, makes all of this so much easier. you see, from my point of view, i think i'd be happier satisfying myself right now. however, i know that i can barely see the smallest percentage of the real picture at hand.
all of this is so hard, just bc the decisions are so final. if it were not for the fact that i know without a doubt that God has these unbelievable plans for my life, i would be tempted to totally disregard Him. even now its tough not to be like, i'll stray for now, but i'll come back when i get into college or whatever. but i know that i'll never come back. and that would be a devastating loss. the only way that i will ever be truely happy, the only way anyone can ever be truely happy, is by allowing God to rescue them from whatever they have been trying to do with their life, and by allowing Him to write the story of their life. oh my goodness, it blows my mind how awesome His plan is... i really could go on, but this has already gotten rather long, so all that i have left is apoligizing to all of you.
recently my life has been so devoid of joy. (i've known this for a while, and wouldn't it figure the first thing my pastor does when i see him at church the other nite is to remark on how he had been lookin at some pictures of us all (his daughter is one of my best friends) and noted that i was probably one of the happiest, most joyful people he had ever met and that i should never change. i was like 'mental note to self, change back..') anyway, i have just been so glum, and i have no reason what so ever to be. i ask your forgiveness, and.. yea...
so anyway, thats about it. i'm leavin day after tomorow to come home. sunday (day after tomorow.... haha) is the picnic or whatever for SEAL Team 2, so we're gonna head over to Norfolk for that. that should be nice.
ok, nite. . . .
i didn't want to be challenged, bc part of me was perfectly fine sittin over there. however, i knew that if i went to this conference, and closed my heart to the teachings, i might never be able to recover spiritually. so i prayed, and i opened my eyes and ears, and my heart, and i went. sure enough, i have been so convicted. i really already knew a lot of what i would see needed changing in me, bc i knew i was wrong. but it was so hard to admit that bc, even tho i wasn't having a field day, i was so superficially happy, and almost addicted to the way i felt. i couldn't really explain it at the time. (after today's message, i can. but i won't bc it's long. either way, i know now.)
part of me is still unwilling to let go. i don't really know how i'm gonna get it all worked out, bc part of me is still holding on. the prideful part of me doesn't want to let go just bc it would be admitting that i was wrong to let myself fall so far (or at all), and i would be admitting that i need the help of these people around me, something i'm not good at admitting. but, again, i know that if i don't act now, i never will, and i will be amazed to find out where i am when i look up again in 5 years.
it hurts so much to know that i will have to say goodbye to someone, that i will have to back our relationship up. i feel like how can something so wrong feel so good? it feels so wonderful that i don't want to make that
sacrifice. then, of course, i hear somethin about the martyrs who have sacrificed their lives for Christ, and i ask myself how selfish i can get.
please do not get the wrong impression. altho i am unhappy about having to give up this part of my life, i know that if i don't, it will only lead to destruction. also, knowing how much God loves me, and how perfect He is, makes all of this so much easier. you see, from my point of view, i think i'd be happier satisfying myself right now. however, i know that i can barely see the smallest percentage of the real picture at hand.
all of this is so hard, just bc the decisions are so final. if it were not for the fact that i know without a doubt that God has these unbelievable plans for my life, i would be tempted to totally disregard Him. even now its tough not to be like, i'll stray for now, but i'll come back when i get into college or whatever. but i know that i'll never come back. and that would be a devastating loss. the only way that i will ever be truely happy, the only way anyone can ever be truely happy, is by allowing God to rescue them from whatever they have been trying to do with their life, and by allowing Him to write the story of their life. oh my goodness, it blows my mind how awesome His plan is... i really could go on, but this has already gotten rather long, so all that i have left is apoligizing to all of you.
recently my life has been so devoid of joy. (i've known this for a while, and wouldn't it figure the first thing my pastor does when i see him at church the other nite is to remark on how he had been lookin at some pictures of us all (his daughter is one of my best friends) and noted that i was probably one of the happiest, most joyful people he had ever met and that i should never change. i was like 'mental note to self, change back..') anyway, i have just been so glum, and i have no reason what so ever to be. i ask your forgiveness, and.. yea...
so anyway, thats about it. i'm leavin day after tomorow to come home. sunday (day after tomorow.... haha) is the picnic or whatever for SEAL Team 2, so we're gonna head over to Norfolk for that. that should be nice.
ok, nite. . . .