(no subject)
I had a nice dinner with Emma and her "gay husband" Jay. They are both smart and equally complicated people, which makes them perfect to talk to. Immdediately, Emma wanted to know how my visit was with Aaron. Jay, not knowing anything about this situation, was explained things in an insufficient nutshell. He understood and apparently had a similar relationship with someone. But he didn't believe that I had no romantic feelings for Aaron. He said that my face lit up when I talked about him. It didn't help that I had a bad Freudian slip and accidentally said Aaron when I meant Adam. Whoops. Well, they said it was Freudian...not me.
I really don't think there are romantic feelings. There is so much love. I talk very lovingly about Aaron. I am very excited to have a friendship with Aaron. I have missed him so much these past few years and I find myself going through lots of feelings as we talk more. But I think it's clear to me that, despite the hypothetical wish to have tried before we were where we are, the ultimate purpose of our relationship is not to get married. At this stage, if marriage is not the purpose, what is the point of romantic consideration? There really isn't one.
It's funny, because immediately after I explained that our relationship was never sexual...their tune changed immediately and I think they began to agree that I wasn't just lying to myself. I can't even fathom what that would be like with Aaron. I don't really know if I should get into that topic. Uh oh. I'm censoring myself.
That wasn't the point of this entry anyway. I guess it became the point.
Jawad left and Emma and I went around browsing. I got my AP style guide.
I feel like it's been a lifetime these past couple days without it. I am thrilled to learn the "right" way to write for my job. I won't have so many questions. At least I wont have to search as long for the answers. So far the job kind of feels like senior year of college. The writing parts of it anyway, thank god it's not like the other parts. But just that awesome feeling when I am focused at my desk, my life is organized, I call the shots, Pandora is on, and I just get to write without anyone bothering me.
We got to talking about me expensing things to the company, and I felt guilty. I am allowed/supposed to do this since I don't work in the Jackson office. But it is early and I feel guilty after all of their generosity about charging them for my expenses. I haven't bought anything ridiculous. I got a marker board and some markers, a laptop bag, and the AP style guide. Not anything unusual or expensive. Not anything unnecessary.
We got in a conversation about a ton of things with the manager at Borders (something that always seems to happen when I'm with Emma...she is actually MORE outgoing with I am. It's so rare for me to feel shy in comparison with someone else) and ended up on the concept of "you are worth it." When I got hired, this is factored into what I'm paid. So is me staying home, this computer, my cell phone...everything. I shouldn't feel guilty about anything because Smart Tan has established by hiring me under these conditions that I am worth it.
But it doesn't stop at Smart Tan. Saying that I am worth the things I want in life is harder than it should be. That guilt creeps into a lot of places. Maybe it comes from being raised with little. Maybe it comes from a lifetime of guilt. I don't know.
But I am.
I am worth a job that appreciates me, invests in me, and provides for me.
I am worth a job that I like waking up for in the morning.
I am worth a job that I am proud to talk about.
I am worth all the money we put into this house.
I am worth this beautiful office.
I am worth the comfiest bed I've ever slept in.
I am worth the cutest puppy I've ever seen.
I am wroth going out to dinner.
I am worth a nice vacation somewhere.
I am worth a guy that listens and takes an active interest in my life.
I am worth a guy that gives me what I need in every aspect of my life.
I am wroth a guy that treats me like his equal and supports my dreams.
I am worth a guy who thinks I am beautiful and feels lucky to be with me.
I am worth a guy who I am proud to be with.
I am worth a life full of happiness.
It's not about material things. But I shouldn't feel guilty about what money I spend on the things that make me happy. I have spent long enough light that. I am worth it and it's time for me to enjoy it.
I have worked hard for all the things and people in my life. I am worth it. It's a thing that's seems so small but it feels so good to say every time.
Off the soap box. Sleepy time.
I really don't think there are romantic feelings. There is so much love. I talk very lovingly about Aaron. I am very excited to have a friendship with Aaron. I have missed him so much these past few years and I find myself going through lots of feelings as we talk more. But I think it's clear to me that, despite the hypothetical wish to have tried before we were where we are, the ultimate purpose of our relationship is not to get married. At this stage, if marriage is not the purpose, what is the point of romantic consideration? There really isn't one.
It's funny, because immediately after I explained that our relationship was never sexual...their tune changed immediately and I think they began to agree that I wasn't just lying to myself. I can't even fathom what that would be like with Aaron. I don't really know if I should get into that topic. Uh oh. I'm censoring myself.
That wasn't the point of this entry anyway. I guess it became the point.
Jawad left and Emma and I went around browsing. I got my AP style guide.
I feel like it's been a lifetime these past couple days without it. I am thrilled to learn the "right" way to write for my job. I won't have so many questions. At least I wont have to search as long for the answers. So far the job kind of feels like senior year of college. The writing parts of it anyway, thank god it's not like the other parts. But just that awesome feeling when I am focused at my desk, my life is organized, I call the shots, Pandora is on, and I just get to write without anyone bothering me.
We got to talking about me expensing things to the company, and I felt guilty. I am allowed/supposed to do this since I don't work in the Jackson office. But it is early and I feel guilty after all of their generosity about charging them for my expenses. I haven't bought anything ridiculous. I got a marker board and some markers, a laptop bag, and the AP style guide. Not anything unusual or expensive. Not anything unnecessary.
We got in a conversation about a ton of things with the manager at Borders (something that always seems to happen when I'm with Emma...she is actually MORE outgoing with I am. It's so rare for me to feel shy in comparison with someone else) and ended up on the concept of "you are worth it." When I got hired, this is factored into what I'm paid. So is me staying home, this computer, my cell phone...everything. I shouldn't feel guilty about anything because Smart Tan has established by hiring me under these conditions that I am worth it.
But it doesn't stop at Smart Tan. Saying that I am worth the things I want in life is harder than it should be. That guilt creeps into a lot of places. Maybe it comes from being raised with little. Maybe it comes from a lifetime of guilt. I don't know.
But I am.
I am worth a job that appreciates me, invests in me, and provides for me.
I am worth a job that I like waking up for in the morning.
I am worth a job that I am proud to talk about.
I am worth all the money we put into this house.
I am worth this beautiful office.
I am worth the comfiest bed I've ever slept in.
I am worth the cutest puppy I've ever seen.
I am wroth going out to dinner.
I am worth a nice vacation somewhere.
I am worth a guy that listens and takes an active interest in my life.
I am worth a guy that gives me what I need in every aspect of my life.
I am wroth a guy that treats me like his equal and supports my dreams.
I am worth a guy who thinks I am beautiful and feels lucky to be with me.
I am worth a guy who I am proud to be with.
I am worth a life full of happiness.
It's not about material things. But I shouldn't feel guilty about what money I spend on the things that make me happy. I have spent long enough light that. I am worth it and it's time for me to enjoy it.
I have worked hard for all the things and people in my life. I am worth it. It's a thing that's seems so small but it feels so good to say every time.
Off the soap box. Sleepy time.