Tabula Rasa
Tomorrow is a fresh start.
I have new hair. I am about to start my new job. I will have a new lifestyle. A new start at my dreams. Another chance to be a better person.
Why do we consider them fresh starts?
I guess it would make sense if I were moving away. If I burned some bridges. If I had some epiphany. But that's not what happening here. Why do I call it a fresh start? Why do we need them?
I guess that calling this a fresh start is a way for me to forgive myself for the things that weren't so great, for the things I didn't do, for the times I chose to be less. Calling this a fresh start lets me be free to start over without feeling like a fool.
A fresh start is a formality....but sometimes the formality is enough to let you change your life. I'm hoping this does that.
I am hoping that this job will bleed into the rest of my life the way my lesser jobs have made me less happy in my personal life. I was lethargic, disappointed, underappreciated, unchallenged.
I am hoping that having a job relative to my strengths, with constant changes and challenges, and with flexibility will allow me to feel useful and creative. I want to feel productive. I hope that by working at home I can keep a good home and be more adventurous with cooking. I don't want to abuse the time I work at home, and I certainly wont.
But I want to get those daily things done during the day so that I can be free at night. I can audition for a show. I can take a yoga class or join a gym. I can be with friends without feeling the guilt that there is something unfinished. I can always come home to a clean house and a sense of peace. When I write it, it seems like small things.
When I write it, those things sound small. It's not a fresh start so I can save the world. But I have the opportunity to work on my own happiness. I don't think that's a selfish thing. I think I'm very fortunate, I think it's a luxury.
I've grown up and my priorities are a little different. But my big goals stay the same. I want to write, and I'm about to start doing it professionally. That's huge. That's a door...a big fat door. I want to be a better girlfriend, and now I get to work at home. I think that will afford me new opportunities to give us a better life. I want to perform, and I think that this new job will give me the freedom to do that.
I think it will make me happier. Something needed to change for that to happen.
And after the first day of my new career, I get to see Aaron. I would call that a fresh start. We've been talking for a while and it's been great to kind of talk through everything that happened. I actually wish that all of my friendships and relationships were like the one Aaron and I have developed over the last month. There is an unparalleled honesty that really means a lot to me. This second chance has allowed me to be the person I've missed, and the person I've always wanted to be. It feel really healthy and pleasant, even when it's been hard.
I have so much respect for him, and he deserves everything in the world. I'm so glad we're getting together tomorrow. I'll admit that I don't know what's going to happen, or how it's going to feel. that makes me a little nervous...but more than anything I am glad. I wish our friendship was a little easier to explain, and something I didn't feel a little guilty about. I think the guilt just comes from Adam not quite understanding, and from Aaron and me not quite understanding what this friendship is or what it means. That will all be figured out with time.
While I openly say when I'm talking to Aaron, I think it's time to not be afraid of it around Adam. He doesn't need to be protected. I am not in love with or attracted to another man. It's through this friendship that I have realized how happy I am, and that Adam is the man that I am supposed to be with for the rest of my life. I will eventually marry him. That's big to realize, but it makes me feel great.
We've got a while until then. I think the key to being a happier person is just taking things as they come. I'll never be an especially spontaneous person, but I can quit worrying so much about things that aren't here yet. I want to appreciate all of the good things in front of me. I want to be grateful for them.
Anyway...it's 8 on Sunday. I have a little more cleaning to do. I have to make myself some dinner.
Here we go.
I have new hair. I am about to start my new job. I will have a new lifestyle. A new start at my dreams. Another chance to be a better person.
Why do we consider them fresh starts?
I guess it would make sense if I were moving away. If I burned some bridges. If I had some epiphany. But that's not what happening here. Why do I call it a fresh start? Why do we need them?
I guess that calling this a fresh start is a way for me to forgive myself for the things that weren't so great, for the things I didn't do, for the times I chose to be less. Calling this a fresh start lets me be free to start over without feeling like a fool.
A fresh start is a formality....but sometimes the formality is enough to let you change your life. I'm hoping this does that.
I am hoping that this job will bleed into the rest of my life the way my lesser jobs have made me less happy in my personal life. I was lethargic, disappointed, underappreciated, unchallenged.
I am hoping that having a job relative to my strengths, with constant changes and challenges, and with flexibility will allow me to feel useful and creative. I want to feel productive. I hope that by working at home I can keep a good home and be more adventurous with cooking. I don't want to abuse the time I work at home, and I certainly wont.
But I want to get those daily things done during the day so that I can be free at night. I can audition for a show. I can take a yoga class or join a gym. I can be with friends without feeling the guilt that there is something unfinished. I can always come home to a clean house and a sense of peace. When I write it, it seems like small things.
When I write it, those things sound small. It's not a fresh start so I can save the world. But I have the opportunity to work on my own happiness. I don't think that's a selfish thing. I think I'm very fortunate, I think it's a luxury.
I've grown up and my priorities are a little different. But my big goals stay the same. I want to write, and I'm about to start doing it professionally. That's huge. That's a door...a big fat door. I want to be a better girlfriend, and now I get to work at home. I think that will afford me new opportunities to give us a better life. I want to perform, and I think that this new job will give me the freedom to do that.
I think it will make me happier. Something needed to change for that to happen.
And after the first day of my new career, I get to see Aaron. I would call that a fresh start. We've been talking for a while and it's been great to kind of talk through everything that happened. I actually wish that all of my friendships and relationships were like the one Aaron and I have developed over the last month. There is an unparalleled honesty that really means a lot to me. This second chance has allowed me to be the person I've missed, and the person I've always wanted to be. It feel really healthy and pleasant, even when it's been hard.
I have so much respect for him, and he deserves everything in the world. I'm so glad we're getting together tomorrow. I'll admit that I don't know what's going to happen, or how it's going to feel. that makes me a little nervous...but more than anything I am glad. I wish our friendship was a little easier to explain, and something I didn't feel a little guilty about. I think the guilt just comes from Adam not quite understanding, and from Aaron and me not quite understanding what this friendship is or what it means. That will all be figured out with time.
While I openly say when I'm talking to Aaron, I think it's time to not be afraid of it around Adam. He doesn't need to be protected. I am not in love with or attracted to another man. It's through this friendship that I have realized how happy I am, and that Adam is the man that I am supposed to be with for the rest of my life. I will eventually marry him. That's big to realize, but it makes me feel great.
We've got a while until then. I think the key to being a happier person is just taking things as they come. I'll never be an especially spontaneous person, but I can quit worrying so much about things that aren't here yet. I want to appreciate all of the good things in front of me. I want to be grateful for them.
Anyway...it's 8 on Sunday. I have a little more cleaning to do. I have to make myself some dinner.
Here we go.