(no subject)
[[*totally steals from that trend-starting h0r Ed-mun*]]
((I saw this on a friend's LJ and decided I wanted to do this for a character, not myself. SO HERE. :D He's not actually putting this where it can be seen, I'm more just letting him answer it but you can feel free to answer either OOC or ICly.))
Rules: Reveal 5 secrets. Do not use specific names.
1) As much as I like taking bubble baths, lately I've come to prefer showers. If you're careful, you can't be heard over the sound of the water, and no one thinks anything of red eyes afterward. Sure, it's not as classic as crying into your pillow at night, but it's a better way to conceal it.
2) I miss him, and I don't know how to say it without it sounding like what I have now isn't enough. I don't want to go back, I'm afraid it will still hurt seeing his face, even if it's him and not someone else, and I'm afraid I'll find out what I fear the most: that he doesn't and never has loved me. But I miss him. And I do want to go back - not now, not as things are, but back then. How they were. I miss the days. I miss him. I miss the banter, the low companionship I thought was solid, the way we could read each other, even talk without a word. Just a glance or a simple touch. I miss the way we'd exchange the briefest glance and create a whole world of our very own, with our own language and secrets that no one else could intrude on. And that's one reason I cry. I miss it, I miss him, and I know I'll never have that back again and sometimes, it kills a little bit of me inside to see the others, to see them have what I've lost, and I know I won't regain. The past is dead and buried. But it doesn't stop me from sometimes touching the cold headstone and wanting to feel the warmth under my fingertips instead. And I don't know how to tell anyone that.
3) Sometimes I'm a little jealous. For all the times I've always known I would never be enough, that I wasn't what he needed or wanted, for all the times I've always known that he deserved more... there's still moments when I feel just a little bit less inside and wonder if it was just that I was never enough for him either. Oh, but I'd die before I breathed a word of this to anyone. Because it would hurt him, and that's something I can't do. He's already had more pain than anyone ought to have. Maybe I'm not enough, but I'm not entirely nothing either.
4) I don't like letting anyone see any weakness. Even after they already have and know, I don't like letting them see me when I'm less than 100%. From physical problems to emotional ones, only the strong survive. There was already so much to worry about, especially after he was murdered, that I never wanted him to have to worry about me. So I made sure he never saw anything but me at my perfect best. And I don't like anyone realizing that I'm not really as strong as I pretend to be. Too many people saw me in pieces once. The pity I see in their eyes makes me disgusted with myself. Even he told me I ought to be stronger than I've been acting, and I agree. Never let them see or hear me cry.
5) I don't have any bad vices - I don't smoke, or drink, or gamble, or engage in excesses of things or activities or otherwise engage in harmful behavior. I keep myself locked in a rigid frame because I'm terrified. I'm terrified of what I'd do if I ever let go and tried to stand without those walls supporting me. I'm terrified of finding out I can't stand at all -- it's been so long and I can't remember if I ever didn't have them. And I'm terrified I'll sink into the fog and never come out. I hold onto my masks because holding onto anyone else would risk pulling them under with me.
((I saw this on a friend's LJ and decided I wanted to do this for a character, not myself. SO HERE. :D He's not actually putting this where it can be seen, I'm more just letting him answer it but you can feel free to answer either OOC or ICly.))
Rules: Reveal 5 secrets. Do not use specific names.
1) As much as I like taking bubble baths, lately I've come to prefer showers. If you're careful, you can't be heard over the sound of the water, and no one thinks anything of red eyes afterward. Sure, it's not as classic as crying into your pillow at night, but it's a better way to conceal it.
2) I miss him, and I don't know how to say it without it sounding like what I have now isn't enough. I don't want to go back, I'm afraid it will still hurt seeing his face, even if it's him and not someone else, and I'm afraid I'll find out what I fear the most: that he doesn't and never has loved me. But I miss him. And I do want to go back - not now, not as things are, but back then. How they were. I miss the days. I miss him. I miss the banter, the low companionship I thought was solid, the way we could read each other, even talk without a word. Just a glance or a simple touch. I miss the way we'd exchange the briefest glance and create a whole world of our very own, with our own language and secrets that no one else could intrude on. And that's one reason I cry. I miss it, I miss him, and I know I'll never have that back again and sometimes, it kills a little bit of me inside to see the others, to see them have what I've lost, and I know I won't regain. The past is dead and buried. But it doesn't stop me from sometimes touching the cold headstone and wanting to feel the warmth under my fingertips instead. And I don't know how to tell anyone that.
3) Sometimes I'm a little jealous. For all the times I've always known I would never be enough, that I wasn't what he needed or wanted, for all the times I've always known that he deserved more... there's still moments when I feel just a little bit less inside and wonder if it was just that I was never enough for him either. Oh, but I'd die before I breathed a word of this to anyone. Because it would hurt him, and that's something I can't do. He's already had more pain than anyone ought to have. Maybe I'm not enough, but I'm not entirely nothing either.
4) I don't like letting anyone see any weakness. Even after they already have and know, I don't like letting them see me when I'm less than 100%. From physical problems to emotional ones, only the strong survive. There was already so much to worry about, especially after he was murdered, that I never wanted him to have to worry about me. So I made sure he never saw anything but me at my perfect best. And I don't like anyone realizing that I'm not really as strong as I pretend to be. Too many people saw me in pieces once. The pity I see in their eyes makes me disgusted with myself. Even he told me I ought to be stronger than I've been acting, and I agree. Never let them see or hear me cry.
5) I don't have any bad vices - I don't smoke, or drink, or gamble, or engage in excesses of things or activities or otherwise engage in harmful behavior. I keep myself locked in a rigid frame because I'm terrified. I'm terrified of what I'd do if I ever let go and tried to stand without those walls supporting me. I'm terrified of finding out I can't stand at all -- it's been so long and I can't remember if I ever didn't have them. And I'm terrified I'll sink into the fog and never come out. I hold onto my masks because holding onto anyone else would risk pulling them under with me.