The beginning of nice
My therapist has been talking to me about sensing and expressing. It's a long road for me to live with a reality where I have an active and outwardly-facing emotional life. Right now? I think that's selfish and wasteful. Instead of crying, there are so many other things one can do!
Still, I'm supposed to try something.
Surprisingly, of all things that I feel the need to express, the first thing is "to be a nice person."
Its the last thing I thought I would ever chose to do. But somehow it bubbled up in my mind and the thought brought calm to an otherwise stormy mind.
The stormy mind has been there for two weeks. It all started with the weekend of scientists- when I invited 8 scientist friends and friends of friends for some kind of brainstorming.
Silva and I chatted about some possible sources of the agitation. Was it a loss of control? Was I mad at myself for selfish intentions rather than truly helping someone? Am I angry that I can't control somebody else's fate?
Turns out it's all of the above but it's just the tip of something.
I have been mad because people several times these last few weeks, people thanked me for being something I wasn't. I was never this altruistic person who supports and lifts others.
But as I keep telling all my friends, that "fake it til you make it" is probably the most important mantra in life, that apparently, faking being a nice guy for 25 years finally got me to a place where I'm ready to be one, or at least to try to be one. And the agitation, apparently, came from a suppressed desire to be nice and open. To let go of old values. To perceive and accept the input of a new "reality."
Being nice and open to people takes strength and self-assurance. It also take a sense of contentment and, I think, boredom. It's not something I ever realized before. But somehow I do today.
It's not that I no longer have a strong sense of right or wrong. But I see that it's not as important as it once was.
It's not that I still have wants or that my sense of "what about me" is gone. But I see that those feelings will always be there and that they will never be sated.
It's not that I love everyone, or wondering WTF any less. But I'm just trying to see the world through others eyes more - and this will always be the biggest struggle. :)
Once again, this therapeutic journey is taking me to a place I never imagined.