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[lifewithoutrest]

Helen trailed her fingertips along the edge of her desk, feeling the curve of the wood. It had been a long year, longer than most. And she felt more than qualified to make that judgment. She was still surprised at how difficult it had been, returning to the life she'd left

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[w_zimmerman]

There was always work to be done, and Will was as aware of that fact as anyone, but he'd been listless since their return, unable to focus on much of anything for too long. Too many emails and conference calls, too much paperwork to contend with. Not enough working frantically towards tangible, world-saving goals. Not that he missed the idea of the world being in peril, but it was hard to adjust to the new pace of life. He couldn't focus, he couldn't sleep, and he couldn't forget.

More than that, though, he was worried about Magnus, had to be. She watched out for everyone else and that made it his job to watch out for her. She was taking things hard, that was obvious. Which meant that, tonight, paperwork and filing could wait.

He knocked on her office door, leaning in and trying not to look as worried about her as he felt.

"Hey, you got a minute?"

[lifewithoutrest]

Helen glanced up at the knock on her door, offering a faint smile. "Will. Of course." She nodded to the seat across from her. "Please, sit."

The worrying went both ways. She was concerned about him, as well. One didn't go through what they had been through and come out unscathed.

[w_zimmerman]

He was scathed, in his way, but it was easy to ignore in the face of his worry for her. He'd have to face it eventually but, for now, he was able to set his own reactions aside, even if he wasn't getting much sleep. That was mostly worry for Magnus. Or something...

He settled down across the desk from her, immediately climbing to his feet again and moving to stand next to her.

"Magnus," he murmured, biting his lip and dropping into a crouch next to her. "Listen, can we... I don't know, go somewhere that's not an office? Kitchen, garden... somewhere?"

He considered mentioning the roof, then changed his mind. That was a place for serious reflections on life and death matters, and all he really wanted was to ease some of her burden.

"Can we talk?"

[lifewithoutrest]

A brief, confused frown crossed her features as he rounded the desk, and she shifted in her seat to look at him properly. After the better part of two centuries, she liked to think she was good at reading people, but Will had never been as easy to read as she would have preferred. And now, she was struggling to follow the turn this conversation was taking.

"Of course. Wherever you'd like."

She set down her pen, neatly shifting a stack of papers off to the side. Her work could wait. For him, she would make time. Letting her hand rest briefly on his shoulder, she moved to stand.

"A walk?"

[w_zimmerman]

"A walk sounds good."

He climbed to his feet, aware that she was thrown but not entirely caring. She liked him when he was predictable but, usually, he was better for her when he kept her guessing. On another level, her company would ease his own worries, make him more sure that it was a good thing that they were back here at home.

"Garden's usually empty this time of night," he offered, nodding towards the door.

He'd been taking a lot of walks there lately, enjoying the peace, quiet, and lack of modern technology. Everything since getting back was too advanced, hummed with the sound of electricity and kept him from relaxing. He wasn't sure how Magnus managed. When she'd been his age, electricity hadn't even been harnessed yet. Now, after a year of living without it, without any technology, here she was again, stuck with it everywhere.

Biting his lip, he offered his hand to her, nodding in the direction of the garden.

"Come on. It's noisy in here, and... It's a nice night out."

(ooc: bed now. will tag back in the morning)

[lifewithoutrest]

There was the slightest hint of hesitation before she nodded, taking the offered hand. Though she would never say it, she could use the contact. They had shared the same space for so long, the two of them against nearly everyone else. And when they'd returned, she'd found she felt most comfortable in his presence. No one else could understand what it had been like, what they had done

[w_zimmerman]

He noticed the hesitation, and wondered at it for a second before reminding himself that, before Carentan, he probably wouldn't have offered his hand to her at all, and she probably wouldn't have taken it. Not that they'd ever been shy about physical contact before that, but the touches had always been more fleeting, more casual. A gesture of friendship rather than reaching out to the person who'd become your only real life-line

[lifewithoutrest]

"Is that what you've been telling yourself?" she asked, quietly enough that it couldn't be mistaken for an accusation. She wasn't calling him out. She genuinely wanted to know.

Adjustment wasn't going to help her sleep at night. It wouldn't allow her mind to rest. She replayed the past months in her mind often, wishing there were more she could have done. She'd made the right decision, the only decision she could have, but the people of Carentan hadn't deserved their fate. They hadn't simply ended their lives. They'd erased their entire existence.

"You realize no one else will ever know they existed." She'd lived long enough to know people had a way of leaving their mark. They were mentioned in books and records, their remains examined by archaeologists. Some part of them was always left behind. But not this time. She gave another tired smile, admitting, "I haven't been sleeping much, myself."

[w_zimmerman]

He swallowed hard at her first question, looking down and away and wondering how to answer. Sometimes, telling yourself something had to be enough because the truth wasn't currently something you were in a mental place to cope with. He wasn't sure quite how to explain that to someone like Magnus who, sometimes, seemed capable of handling just about anything.

Except that her second statement made it clear that he wasn't the only one being ripped up by all those erased souls and unlived lives.

"I... I've been worrying," he admitted quietly as they walked, glancing over at her for a moment before staring at the ground again. "I know this can't be... we're both suffering."

He was supposed to be the shrink, supposed to be the one who offered guidance and advice at times like these. Not the one blindly searching for a way to try to help a friend whose real trouble was one he could only begin to wrap his head around.

Biting his lip, he hesitantly whispered, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

[lifewithoutrest]

Tilting her head to look at him, she gave his hand a light squeeze. "You're doing it, Will."

She knew he was hoping for something definite, a clear solution, and she was touched by his concern. She simply didn't have the kind of answer he wanted. He was here. And for now, that was enough. It was the most she could ask of him.

[w_zimmerman]

He bit his lip, nodding and sliding his fingers through hers.

"If you need anything at all, ever..." He shrugged, smiling a little sadly up at her. "Well, I hope you already know that. I'm always here for you, Magnus."

[lifewithoutrest]

"I appreciate your loyalty." It was her way of acknowledging his offer, while also letting him know she wasn't likely to ask anything more of him than she already had.

"My work should be your priority, but I should never have become your responsibility."

[w_zimmerman]

He wasn't sure he liked it when she put it that way, especially not after a year in Carentan living and working together even more closely than they had for the past three at the Sanctuary. As usual, when he challenged her, he did his best to be firm but not too confrontational.

"You're not my responsibility, Magnus, you're my friend. And that means that I don't want to help you out of any sense of obligation. If I'm loyal to you as a person, that's not because of the work." He didn't have to tell her that the Sanctuary would always be his priority. She already knew him well enough to know that. But, for seem reason, it seemed that he actually did have to explain, "I'm loyal to you, and I worry about you, because of everything we've shared, everything you've done for me, all the times we've been alone against the world..."

He shrugged, looking away. Maybe he'd said too much. Or maybe just the right amount to make her understand. He hoped it was the latter.

[lifewithoutrest]

"Are you certain of that?"

She didn't doubt their friendship or the bond they shared after everything they'd been through together, but she couldn't help but worry his loyalty was misplaced, that he worried over her for the wrong reasons. Everything she'd given him, he had deserved. She didn't want him to feel as though he owed her anything in return. She didn't want him to think it was his job to take care of her.

"I consider you a dear friend, Will. But my burdens are my own." And because of their friendship, she wouldn't ask him to help her carry them.

Though, perhaps somewhere in the back of her mind, she realized that wasn't entirely true. She was afraid to rely on him. If she gave in, allowed the support he was offering, she worried she would become dependent on it. Then what was she to do when she lost him?

[w_zimmerman]

"Of course I'm sure, Magnus," he sighed, stepping closer and shaking his head. "I've never had a friend who means half as much to me as you do, and..."

He understood, on some level, her fear. Or, at least, he knew what it felt like to be reluctant to let others in. He'd been all too guilty of that himself in the past, before joining the Sanctuary. But, now that he'd actually experienced friendships worth having, he understood the important of sometimes letting your guard down, letting those you cared about, those who cared about you, see you at your worst as well as your best.

"Your burdens don't have to be your own," he whispered. "That's not how friendship works."

[lifewithoutrest]

She gently freed her hand, reaching up to touch his cheek, her fingertips just brushing his skin. Under different circumstances, before Carentan, she might have kept more distance between them. She was playing with fire.

Will was one of those few people she could too easily let in. He had a way of breaking down her defenses. She found it difficult to hide from him, and that terrified her. He already meant more to her than she would ever admit. But if she allowed him this, he could come to mean so much more.

She wasn't certain she was ready for that. But perhaps it was worth the risk. She was beginning to give in.

"It's too much, Will. You don't deserve that."