Pull your little arrows out and let me live my life
As if it weren't stupidly obvious that I was rebounding, I'm beginning to feel the disappointment of a lack of fulfillment in my new relationship. Considering what I came from, I realize how stark the comparisons are to me as well as others. In my mind, the two are hardly similar at all. While the new relationship does not bear any of the terrible hardships and stresses I had to endure before, it doesn't give me anywhere near the unique feeling I had. I keep thinking I need to give it time, but I worry that time can't create something that isn't there. Maybe the chaos, fear, and uncertainty was just part of it all- something that made all of the good things that I felt seem more dangerous and exciting.
I do, unfortunately, tend to be one that longs for danger and drama in my life. Yet I only like these aspects when they are under my control and of my choosing. If I choose to be in a dramatic situation, it's 9 times out of 10 because I put myself there. I'm an instigator. I start fights generally because I know I can win, and I want the feeling or benefit from that. I catch myself starting fights and can't stop. Maybe the lack of drama in my relationship is what bores me. I crave attention. I enjoy being cared for and noticed.
No one will ever be able to replicate that relationship- probably not even him. It will never be the same. He made me feel more comfortable in his presence than pretty much anyone I've ever met. It was instant and without acclimation. He needed me, but without clinging. He invoked emotion quite easily. Our physical connection was amazing, and I find that closeness something that I truly miss. I miss having someone who craved being close to me- not always in a sexual manner, but simply touching and feeling the presence. We clicked. But it fell apart.
I guess when it comes down to it, I have no idea what I'm looking for. Maybe I'll never be satisfied. It's not exactly time to give up yet, but I can't say that I don't worry. I wonder what's wrong with me... that I could miss a psychotic, reckless, hurtful man while I am trying to date a stable, kind, and all together normal man.
I do, unfortunately, tend to be one that longs for danger and drama in my life. Yet I only like these aspects when they are under my control and of my choosing. If I choose to be in a dramatic situation, it's 9 times out of 10 because I put myself there. I'm an instigator. I start fights generally because I know I can win, and I want the feeling or benefit from that. I catch myself starting fights and can't stop. Maybe the lack of drama in my relationship is what bores me. I crave attention. I enjoy being cared for and noticed.
No one will ever be able to replicate that relationship- probably not even him. It will never be the same. He made me feel more comfortable in his presence than pretty much anyone I've ever met. It was instant and without acclimation. He needed me, but without clinging. He invoked emotion quite easily. Our physical connection was amazing, and I find that closeness something that I truly miss. I miss having someone who craved being close to me- not always in a sexual manner, but simply touching and feeling the presence. We clicked. But it fell apart.
I guess when it comes down to it, I have no idea what I'm looking for. Maybe I'll never be satisfied. It's not exactly time to give up yet, but I can't say that I don't worry. I wonder what's wrong with me... that I could miss a psychotic, reckless, hurtful man while I am trying to date a stable, kind, and all together normal man.