I'll let out words 'cause I'm sure it'll never last
It’s been over a week and I can’t get it out of my mind. As far as I know, he doesn’t even care. Certainly our relationship wasn’t really on the path to lasting forever, but the abrupt ending has left me confused. I think about him too much. Probably much more than the circumstances would call for, considering how cruel he was to me. I should be angry, I should hate him, I should be pursuing any and all rebound possibilities. While I do think that another guy to occupy my time would be nice, I don’t even care to try. I know these things happen when they happen- meeting a guy isn’t always easy, and I know hardly anyone around here. But in a way, I feel the same as I did when I was in a relationship: I’m just not interested. I’d much rather talk to him and spend time with him again than someone else. But he doesn’t want that. I shouldn’t want that.
So often I just recall time we have shared together, the good times and the hard times. When we were good, we were an amazing team. We grew to trust each other. We had amazing chemistry. I loved being able to be myself around him, joking about weird stuff that no one else would understand. I think about all of these times, and I want it back. It’s happened before when we had fights and came back together. But this time I’m a little more resolute, and it seems as if he’s completely closed the door to me. I guess he doesn’t miss what we had or talking to me. I feel desperate, lost, unwanted, and forgotten.
I wonder if he ever thinks about me. There’s no way I would know. I wonder if he’s even doing alright. I do still worry about his mental health and how he tends to react to things. Did he do something to harm himself or someone else? How does he spend his days? Is he better or worse off than before, or did he simply continue the exact patterns he was living without pause? If he knew how I felt, would he even care?
All of this is only adding to my feelings of hopelessness. I feel that I’m completely lost again, going absolutely nowhere. I’m beginning to severely doubt that I will get the assistantship I so badly want and had thought I had such a good chance at. I have no idea where that will leave me, and I’m scared to even think about what to do. I have hardly any options at this point. I need for something good to happen or for something to become clearer to me, because I fear I’ll fall into hating myself instead of improving any situation.
So often I just recall time we have shared together, the good times and the hard times. When we were good, we were an amazing team. We grew to trust each other. We had amazing chemistry. I loved being able to be myself around him, joking about weird stuff that no one else would understand. I think about all of these times, and I want it back. It’s happened before when we had fights and came back together. But this time I’m a little more resolute, and it seems as if he’s completely closed the door to me. I guess he doesn’t miss what we had or talking to me. I feel desperate, lost, unwanted, and forgotten.
I wonder if he ever thinks about me. There’s no way I would know. I wonder if he’s even doing alright. I do still worry about his mental health and how he tends to react to things. Did he do something to harm himself or someone else? How does he spend his days? Is he better or worse off than before, or did he simply continue the exact patterns he was living without pause? If he knew how I felt, would he even care?
All of this is only adding to my feelings of hopelessness. I feel that I’m completely lost again, going absolutely nowhere. I’m beginning to severely doubt that I will get the assistantship I so badly want and had thought I had such a good chance at. I have no idea where that will leave me, and I’m scared to even think about what to do. I have hardly any options at this point. I need for something good to happen or for something to become clearer to me, because I fear I’ll fall into hating myself instead of improving any situation.